I’m in this inexplicable rut. I can’t be in several places all at once, do everything when company gods think I can spit gold with only arsenic at my disposal.

What am I to do with a freelancer who could not commit time for training? This whole hire-only-freelancers thing is a joke. I am missing so many things in Singapore because I don’t have fulltime reporter there. I can’t be there because they’re not willing to pay me a comfortable living wage there. I hate being scooped by competition because of circumstances that I cannot control.

I’m so upset yesterday and today. Let me just sleep on this for a few hours, gather my thoughts, and write it down when I slightly feel better.

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Pets, bless them, do really feel you.

So I was down and out yesterday and my Kimchi must have felt the vibe. She stayed with me, sleeping on my pillow, next to my head, for the entire night. She later moved near my shoulders to cuddle. And didn’t leave in the morning until she is sure that I am fine and not dying. 😂

I again shoved that work problem under the bed because I won’t find any solution to it. Either I stress about it everyday or I just let things slide so management would see they’re being stupid. Just do what I can do…so be it.

My old neighbor in QC and I chatted for a bit on Viber because I asked for the water bill for May that I’m still obligated to pay for, which is just fair because we did use water for 16 days. Anyway, she was telling me that they’re cutting down the mango tree to accommodate more cars in that narrow parking space.

I said that it’s kinda sad that all the wildlife dependent on that tree will be homeless now. There won’t be birds chirping in the morning and some faint bird calls. I told her that tree gave that area some provincia feels because of the birds in the morning.

The ex-neighbor also told me that the the orange female cat that we jointly take care of with her son was meowing mournfully infront of our unit one evening. She was looking for us. Because you see, we help feed her in the afternoon or early morning with my cats’ leftovers. That broke my heart.

Meanwhile, my girls and I went to their future junior high school this afternoon to submit their application. After the assessment, I would have to enroll them in July. Classes will start by mid-August.

I’m still not feeling well and it’s likely stress. It’s psychosomatic and unfortunately I think I’m coming down with something. Good thing I’m done with one interview this afternoon. Oh dear, not now, I shouldn’t fall ill. I have already set several meetings for next week in Bangkok 🤦🏻‍♀️ Plus I’m driving myself to the airport because there’s no Grab here to take me there. I just have to use ParkN’Fly for seven days.

I didn’t know that a major catastrophe for WFH people happened today. No wonder my mom rushed to my house to hostage Twin I’s desktop because she had a video call and she didn’t explain why.

Then I received a call from my sister while I was having cake and coffee with one of my former sources who happened to be in town. She asked nay, ordered me to fix my mom’s laptop because she couldn’t access her gmail. Again.

So I uninstalled her Chrome, thinking it was corrupted by a virus. But I couldn’t download Chrome. Google was not loading. So I used Microsoft Edge to search (via default Bing) whether Google was down. So I found that it’s a Philippines-specifc a global problem because of a loss of bandwidth in one of the submarine cables, affecting local telcos and a host of other frequently used apps and websites.

After a few hours, Google and its services have become accessible.

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Last night I caught an intruder. It was dark so I used flash to catch her.

This intruder has taken over my workspace today. She refused to budge.

Despite her obnoxiousness, I still love her to bits. ❤️🥰

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For today’s words of wisdom:

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Just a quick post about how lovely it is to be in this moment. This is what home is all about. Cooking smells wafting through the air with Beatles for background music, and the sound of the tropical forest chiming in. I cooked with my front door open, because why not? My kids went to church with their cousins and auntie and they will be watching a movie in the city further southeast.

I can smell the rain coming. I will open my windows all the way up to feel the fresh breeze passing through.

Today I won’t be able to do my campus walk since bff is coming over. Let’s see tomorrow will be conducive for it.

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now. Let me process it later.

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You know you’re in good company when you don’t take photos of yourselves being together. Because there is no need to prove anything. That’s how it is with my good friends from way back elementary or high school.

So my best friend and I started talking from merienda until dinner. We were just in the moment and planning trips together, either to the upcoming Big Bad Wolf to gallivanting abroad (last time we did this was in Kyoto in 2009). I said we need something to occupy ourselves now that my house building is almost done while her fervor for hopping from one concert to another, here and abroad, is waning. Because of that, she got tempted to start using Bumble to meet guys and the last one who claimed to be from my industry was a very bad experience. Really bad. As in scammer, gas-lighting bad.

My bff has a problem with saying no and always gives so much.

She was advised by other friends to stop using dating apps and I said the same since she and I are magnets for the wrong people because we’re gullible. We both have self-esteem issues as we are both products of dysfunctional marriages (the weird thing is our dads were classmates in college). The thing that has kept me safe so far is that 1) I was religious with my therapy and I researched a lot about my disposition that instilled self-awareness in me (blogging helps); 2) I am devoting time to learn how to love myself and heal and learned not to berate myself for taking a long time; and 3) I now live with the mantra “If he wants, he will.” I can’t live a life anymore where it’s always me who is walking to bridge the last mile between us; always me who is bending backwards. Be it chatting through different time zones or reaching out to say, “Hey I learned you’re in town. What’s up?” to giving moral and emotional support. It’s exhausting to always be the giver.

I told her that I’m trying to accept that I may be like this for a very long time because I can’t go into another relationship still angry and I still carry with me the toxicity of the previous relationship. It doesn’t matter if it is already 2.5 years and it could be another 2.5 years before I can forgive and forget. If I’m not healed properly, I will just be in for another heartbreak because I will be ignoring the red flags just to escape singlehood.

But then, what’s wrong with being single? Just thinking about living with someone again is already exhausting.

Do I miss it, being in a relationship? I really don’t know, honestly. That’s why I’m not actively looking. I could have flirted a dozen times as I meet a lot of people with my job but there’s no desire to do so. I could have put out a signboard on me that says “single, ready to mingle” but I don’t. Maybe it’s a testament that I’m not yet healed and all I think about is that it’s exhausting–be it dating or being in a relationship.

But when I’m idle, with no big project to occupy me, that’s when loneliness will strike and all of a sudden everything is a green flag 🤦🏻‍♀️ This is why I told BFF that we need to be busy. If we need to travel, then so be it. If we are to chase all the concerts she wants to watch, then by all means I will tag along. I just can’t be idle again.

It’s not completely a leisurely day for me but this is the first weekend that I can afford to go slow and do less. Thanks to my cleaning lady who comes every Saturday, the tedious chore of laundering clothes and folding them is off my shoulders. The mopping and polishing of my floor is also off my list of things I must do.

So I booked a massage for 1 hr and 40 mins plus a pedicure session. Wohoo it has been a month since I did this for myself.

I shopped for meat and veggies after pampering myself, just to try this Fresh Options meat shop and to check out other veggie stores. Now that my fridge is filled, I invited my nephews and SIL to dinner. I needed to use the rice in my fridge so I made them kimchi fried rice. I was satisfied with what I made 🍚. I emptied my freezer of viands I had cooked yesterday and fed my extended brood.

I am still feeling my way, trying to settle into some kind of rhythm to make ourselves more at home. We’re still in a limbo—well I’m still in a limbo. This is my own home and yet I’m still not at home, if you know what I mean. I’m still finding my footing.

Once I am done with my errands here and fixing/putting away stuff from our move, I will try to start my exercises i.e. brisk walking. When the university pool opens, I will swim probably once a week then make it three times a week. Good thing I already had applied for my alumni card.

Tomorrow I will cook dinner for my best friend, a housewarming of sorts. She requested for either chicken rice or bak kut teh. Well, I can make both.

So I had my meeting this morning at the so-called Sinigang Valley, which is just a strip in Poblacion, Makati and spitting distance from Rockwell Center. The execs that Kr and I chatted with told us that their area is dotted with tech startups and VCs like them. Their office looked like a neat townhouse that sits in the middle of a residential area in Poblacion but is actually an office. I liked it and told them so. I said it’s better than occupying a co-working space in BGC or along Ayala Ave and cost-effective, too. The ground floor is the reception area, which is like a hip reception area of a resort with an open-concept conference room. The top floors are the staff and exec offices. They have a small garden with outdoor sitting area, conducive for meetings.

Poblacion is really the old downtown of Makati (hence the name) that’s why the streets are old and narrow, the lot and house sizes are small. It became notorious in the past decades as it became the red light district (along Burgos St) where dirty old men (local and foreign) from the CBD area flock for some unholy entertainment, which included mud wrestling of women in teeny-weeny bikinis.

The area is now gentrifying as real estate prices continue to climb. A prime spot like that shouldn’t go to waste just because of the presence of seedy establishments. A lot of watering holes have sprouted in the area, and along came the hoteliers. The area where Century Mall and the Century Property condos stand now used to be the campus of International School Manila and I still remember playing a friendly football game there with their girls’ team in the mid-1990s.

Since the Poblacion is very near Ayala—the general CBD area of Makati—it was a good spot for startups and VCs to locate without breaking the bank. There are also decent places to eat that aren’t as expensive as those in BGC. That’s why you have Sinigang Valley there—friendly on the pockets.

Anyway, we finished our meeting at 11 am, had a leisurely lunch at Powerplant with Kr, and I decided that it’s better to drive home early and not be stuck with Friday traffic madness.

By 2:30 I’m back at my hometown. Then I realized I should have my oil change today because I don’t think I would have the time nor motivation to do it next week.

It was quick and I managed to buy new oil and fuel filters next door, which made my life easier.

During the time I was at Powerplant, my sis-in-law told me they were at my house and Kimchi bit my bro. It was my bro’s fault, SIL said, because he was irritating Kimchi.

Of all the strangers that Kimchi had met, it’s only my bro whom she allowed to pet her. For some weird reason, she thought he was familiar. That was the case when they first visited the apartment in QC. Kimchi didn’t run away from bro; she even went near him and smelled him. She probably thought he was J.

Animals do remember. It’s kinda sad though.

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I super miss Zennya massage 😭

Now I have to physically go to the spa and schedule according to available time slots, which is tomorrow afternoon. 😭 In the meantime, I have to content myself by having a robot massage my back. 😭😭😭😭😭

I drove my sister to Sta. Rosa yesterday as she bought an Ogawa leg and knee massager, which was on promo. If you buy that, you get a mobile back massager for free. Anyway, for some strange reason she couldn’t drive the Vios, which was her old car before she bought a Corolla Altis. The reason why we needed to bring the Vios is that she had to have another automatic toll collector RFID installed in the car and only the owners can have a car installed with the RFID strip, she was told.

So I was a driver for the day. In between I was picking up and editing stories. I agreed to do the driving because I needed to go to the nearest Converge office to permanently disconnect my Quezon City line. If I didn’t do it today, I will billed for another month starting 1 June.

Then we went to Wilcon Depot because sister said we need to canvass for a power generator, in case shit happens during a very strong typhoon that cuts off water and electricity. We just had the water reservoir and water pressure pump and pressure tank installed so my water supply and pressure have become decent two days ago. When power is cut off, goodbye water.

When we got home, we suddenly craved for ramyun and I no longer have it at home. Twin I and I went to look for a Korean grocery store to buy our supply of ramyun, tteokbokki, seaweed, and ice cream.

For today, I need to look for a reliable shop, preferably Shell, for oil changes. Shell has my service records and it is centralized so it doesn’t matter if I had my car serviced in QC or here.

The other day I saw a Motech service center so that solves my underchassis maintenance needs.

It’s like I am starting life in a new environment even though I have lived here for half of my life. I needed to search for suppliers of goods and services because things have changed in the last 20 years since I left to live in Metro Manila. My reliable mechanic has died several years ago so I am at a loss and I don’t know where I should bring my car for maintenance and repair.

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Last night’s claypot ramyun.

And for lunch I grilled liempo using my casette griller on top of my stove. I just had to put my range hood at the highest setting to absorb all the smoke. I still can’t grill outside because of the construction work.

And my fascination with rain has come back. It’s no longer a nuisance to me because I no longer live in the city. I have loved watching the rain while I was growing up. It inspires so many creative thoughts within me; it was a perfect time to write or read books while curled up in bed.

This is the view from my window this afternoon.

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