Whatever am I doing?

Posted on 18/08/2023 by admin

*Cleaned after three months of chaos. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

Yes of course, there was a trigger. There is always a trigger. But this time, it’s very much needed. I needed to be triggered so I can get my shit together.

I needed to detach myself from everything that I had been doing. I lost my way. Whatever am I doing with my life in the last few months? I don’t know. I lost focus. Since I finished my house, I didn’t have anything else to expend my energy on. I drifted and obsessed on things I shouldn’t even pay attention to.

What am I trying to prove? Why did I even think that the universe will do me favors?

Schadenfreude.

Someone’s laughing now.

They said that your desk reflects your state of mind. For months I had let my table be messy. I just pushed crap around to give me space to work on, just like when taking down notes.

Then I cleared my desk yesterday.

I hope it will stay that way for a long time.

*Bought this from Lazada to make my laptop more on level with the external monitors to make my setup a real tri-monitor feel and give me more real estate underneath. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

*Tadaah! I can put business cards underneath it. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

Other things that kept me grounded in the past few days were my kitties.

*Kimchi loves this cart. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

*Sushi watching the birds. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

These pets remind me of the things that I should be focusing on and be thankful for. It’s not about the past nor the future, but the now. Cats don’t live as long as humans; they live by the day and do not care about the past although they harbor traumas as well (Sushi) and also not worry about the future. All they care about is us, their family. As long as we’re around, they feel everything is ok. They hide from strangers (Sushi) or bite and scratch them because they’re scared or annoyed (Kimchi) but when they’re with just family, they expose their most vulnerable spot because they’re so comfortable and they feel safe. We are everything to them; we are their world.

When I was praying for guidance, a voice told me that I should focus more on my children and not on things that have come to pass and things that are yet to happen or may not happen. When my eyes opened, I saw Twin A for what she is now—losing weight rapidly. She’s so gaunt and weak. Despite the multivitamins and guarding her calorie intake, she has not improved since our last visit to the pediatrician.

Good thing our pedia gave us the order for thyroid tests in advance so I will bring Twin A today to the hospital for this. If she has hyperthyroidism, then it should explain everything. If not, I am stumped by whatever is causing this.

*Focus on the now. Stop and smell the flowers. I took this on the way to buy our dinner. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

Reset

Posted on 17/08/2023 by admin

I had to do a huge reset as I was doing things wrongly, doing things for the wrong reasons. Still trying to wrap my head around the reasons. It made me focus on the wrong things, hence, I’m heading into the wrong path.

*On the way to buy dinner.* *Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

I have to go through this reset. It’s bumpy, it’s painful, but it’s necessary.

What’s it for?

Posted on 14/08/2023 by admin

What’s the point of all these? What’s it for?

I woke up to find the sun shining all around me
how could it shine down on me?
sun shining all it’s beauty
why would it shine down on me?
you’d think that it would notice
I can’t take it anymore
just had to ask myself
“what’s it really for?”

Three hours

Posted on 13/08/2023 by admin

Yes, I sang and played the piano for three hours this evening. Because you know, sometimes the heart just wants to cry in another way.

Do I miss singing in public? Not so much because I remember always having laryngitis or toncilitis when I was still in a band. I quit the band because I was getting sicker and sicker. Well, I wasn’t living an exemplary life then anyway. 😅

But every now and then I find myself wanting to play the piano and sing in some bar. I remember being invited to sing on stage when friends have gigs. I remember being in Conspiracy and singing Walang Hanggang Paalam when Joey Ayala was playing. I don’t know where in the world did I get that hubris to do that but I must have been drunk. 🤦🏻‍♀️

These days I just sing to myself and it’s the best feeling when you realize you still got it.

*Sushi hunting for the insect that got through the window when the window screen* *was accidentally left open. Kimchi is being her prima donna self. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

I was too lazy to cook today so we went out to eat bibimbap.

*While waiting for our food. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

*Mixing, mixing. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

*Bulgogi rice for Twin A. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

Tastes like a warm hug

Posted on 13/08/2023 by admin

*Creamy Potato Dill Soup (Zupa Koperkowa)*. *Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

I was thinking of cooking something with dill today because my dill plant is growing well and might as well take advantage of it. I discovered this Polish recipe and made this for dinner. This is supposed to have 30g of dill but I didn’t put that much because I couldn’t kill my plant, can I? So I limited the dill content.

*It turns out, it was scant so I went back to my garden to get more dill. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

I must say it was good, it was like a warm hug at the end of a rough day. I will make this again with more potatoes and nutmeg.

Didn’t do anything much today so my kids and I went out to eat at a bakery and have their macha fix late afternoon.

Then we just walked all the way to the salon because I need to achieve 4000+ steps today.

*Got to take care of myself. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

I could have saved money and done this by myself but you know, I need to pamper myself every now and then.

Back at home, I forced myself to be productive this weekend by finally installing the peg board on each daughter’s wall.

*Skadis on the wall. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

I bought this cordless drill for 50% off at Handyman. I know it’s a frivolous purchase given that I already have a Bosch wired drill. However, I find that using that drill, powerful as it is, cumbersome for light jobs like this. That’s the reason why it took me forever to install the plastic bag holder on the wall; it was too much work using that drill.

*This contraption I bought for PHP 90 holds used plastic bags. I can just shove them in from above then I can pull then out from the orifices so I can reuse them to line my garbage bins. Photo* *by CallMeCreation.com*

Because I dreaded using that drill, I resorted to attaching this plastic bag container using Command Strips. Nope, not strong enough to hold it on the wall. After destroying my freshly painted walls with super glue, which was still wasn’t enough, I gave up and drilled holes on my wall.

It’s also difficult to use that tool in tight spots, like when I had to redo the curtain rod brackets beside Twin I’s bed on the loft.

*This made my life easier. Because every woman needs power tools. Photo by CallMeCreation.co*m

*Yep. Pampering myself, empowering myself.*

Fuck other people. I’m doing things to please myself. I don’t think I can go back to being a slave.

Beautiful Scars

Broken all the pieces I’ve been shaping lately
Focused on the things that didn’t make no sense
Guess that growing up was never meant to be easy

Yeah, I got used to doing everything sideways
Didn’t really care about how everyone felt
Hiding my emotions down in different ashtrays

Oh, but what is lost ain’t gone
No, you can’t just let go
‘Cause it’s a part of you that will make you strong
Embrace your flaws

I’m not gonna fight back what I’ve become
Yeah, I’ve got bruises where I came from
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars
I’ve been going way too hard on myself
Guess that it’s the reason that I’m feeling like hell
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars

I went down a road that only got me nowhere
I’ve seen every corner, every inch of this place
Being all alone it really got me thinking
Maybe overthinking

That what is lost ain’t gone
No, you can’t just let go
‘Cause it’s a part of you that will make you strong
Embrace your flaws

Hide these beautiful scars

Hide these
I ain’t gonna hide these
Hide these
Hide these beautiful scars
No

Why are you still hurting?

I didn’t intend to. It’s just when you loved so much that you didn’t leave anything for yourself, it will take quite a while to find the missing pieces, build yourself up again, and heal.

You want to heal the right way.

Would you have done the same thing if you can restart?

No. I should have had self-love and self-respect for myself.

But I will not hide my scars. It’s part of who I am.

Do they still hurt? Yes, because there are still broken tissues that’s why I still get bruised. But I have to understand that there are no magic potions that can make it go away.

Would you go through it again, love like that?

I don’t think so. I don’t think I can love like that anymore. I’ve exhausted everything that I could give. I’ve emptied myself. Whatever I have will be for me and my girls.

You really need to go on Bumble and Tinder.

No, fairy gaymother, K, that’s not the best way to heal. We’re different. I’m not looking for another. Yes, I get lonely but that’s not the best way to go about it. There should be some kind of acceptance from me first, that I may always be like this. The acceptance is not there yet, I think.

So you see, you need to date.

But not randomly! OMG, why do we have to go through this again? I’m fine. Sometimes I’m not but that’s life. You can’t be all unicorns and rainbows all the time.

Another office

Posted on 11/08/2023 by admin

*Going out here allowed me to write a story in 30 mins. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

Being cooped up in my small room for days on end really does something to my psyche and productivity. I keep on working there because I’m spoiled by the dual monitors and I find it hard to edit stories without them. But once I got out of my room and transferred here, I was able to write a short article for 30 minutes. Wow!

I should try to write in the grassy field in the campus one of these days—if the weather permits.

*Seeing the sky like this while I work is uplifting. Photo by CallMeCreation.com*

I figured that I need to get out everyday to drive away the cobwebs in my head. This week I produced four stories, which is unusual, given my normal workload. I think the difference now is that I have the ability to be out in nature within minutes compared to when we were still in QC—which helps during productivity slumps.

I just realized that my existence in QC was poor given that I had no choice but to be locked up in that apartment because the environment outside was hostile. Cars, in utile sidewalks—if there are—and the unbearable heat makes one think twice about going out. It’s the perfect stage for one to be clinically depressed when she is dealing with post-breakup trauma while on a lockdown because access to nature was difficult. I tried my best though. I had my bike and my car so I can go to UP Diliman but it’s too much of an effort.

Meanwhile here, I have no excuse not to go out because it’s just right at my doorstep. Literally. And also going out into the wide open spaces only takes me five minutes or less, depending on my stride. Going to church only takes 10 minutes on foot. Same for the mom-and-pop shops. Starbucks is also 10 mins on foot.

Speaking of bikes, I should have our bikes fixed so we can bike for errands instead of bringing that car when parking is a huge problem here. Everyone has huge-ass SUVs but this old town is like Europe, the roads are made for calesas (horse-drawn carriages) and the local government can no longer widen the municipal roads because of the generations of families that have built structures along the roads. Moreover, there are no parking areas near commercial establishments. That’s why in high school, some classmates drove scooters instead of cars when going to school.

As for exercise, I can no longer take up running (I think I have forever busted my left knee, from an old football injury 23-25 years ago). I think that leaves me swimming as good cardio workout. I just learned from my sister that the university pool is open to alumni who want to use it everyday. I can add swimming to my weekly exercise regimen, if I find the time.

I must bring my cats for exercise. Right now they’re like this:

*Kimchi looking like a cat with a bad hangover. Photo by Twin A.*

I hope to wake up early tomorrow morning and see if I can swim at the university pool.

This is what the CEOs had been warning us about the past few months—2Q23 GDP was the slowest in 12 years due to inflation and rising interest rates that dampened consumer spending. The Philippine economy is 70% dependent on domestic spending and if that is hurting, the whole economy is running into trouble. One company chairman told me any strategic moves would have to be suspended because consumer companies are slapped with lower household spending, even on food. Monde Nissin, which has cornered 98% of the instant noodle market in the Philippines, took a big hit as its net income dipped 18% YoY. And to think Lucky Me is the de facto staple outside of rice in this country. This meant that Filipinos have tightened their belts even on staples. We ate less. Everything else followed.

The coming quarters would be difficult for us if the government would not be able to address the structural reforms needed to bring down the cost of food and other goods. Monetary policy can only do so much. Petroleum products are rising again and diesel has climbed by PHP 4 a liter just this week. Last week was PHP 3.50 per liter. As a net importer of oil, this meant that our transportation—the jeepneys and buses—would have to hike fares again while our electricity costs would again climb.

The economy is taking a lot of beating. I wonder how the rest of the country can hold on.

Stories from the sidelines

A journalist has a life other than news

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