“Why, Mommy, why,” my daughter Twin I asked. Why do you keep on writing? Why do you keep on blogging when no one reads it anyway? Why do you keep on writing on your notebooks? Why?

Because it’s all I know how to do. I’m writing a book about nothing. But believe me, my dear child, when I’m already gone, you will come back to all these things that I wrote because you will miss me. You will hear my voice from these virtual pages. You will download all the contents so you can bring me back.

Of course, she does not understand yet. It will hit them hard when the time comes I’m no longer here.

I almost gave up on blogging during my digital detox, when I was questioning all the things I had been doing.

But why did I come back? I don’t know. My words are like my threads to make a tapestry. It is my art that I create for myself.

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It is a long weekend but I may have to take a one-hour call on Monday. But let’s see how we will spend the weekend…Of course, everybody will be going to the provinces and be stuck in traffic. So I guess my girls and I would just go further south just to avoid the Metro Manila crowd that would be descending upon us.

I had a pressure cooker Friday as I started with an early interview as the guy is somewhere in the US (Pacific Standard Time). Then my boss refused to approve my reimbursement for my bookings to HK since the event is yet to happen. I argued that the plane, Airport Express, and everything else I booked are already on my credit card bill. Of course I simply refuse to carry that on my balance because it’s work-related. Our accounting staff said we can invoice as long as it is already on the credit card bill. I don’t understand; I had been doing this for 9 years already. She still wasn’t approving it. I chatted with our accounting staff and asked her if I would still get my reimbursement since I already sent my cc bill; she said, don’t worry, I will still process it. 🥴

I always had trouble with this manager regarding so many things. 🤦🏻‍♀️ When I fly to Seoul, I won’t drop by her office to keep my anxiety down.

Speaking of Seoul, while I was on digital detox, my kids requested this:

And my veggies that we used to wrap the meat are:

And we had leftovers for dinner, so I made this:

And last night I was still fuming about my boss, I needed something that my hands could do to relax me and drive away the tension.

I made pillow cases by hand.

Yes of course, there was a trigger. There is always a trigger. But this time, it’s very much needed. I needed to be triggered so I can get my shit together.

I needed to detach myself from everything that I had been doing. I lost my way. Whatever am I doing with my life in the last few months? I don’t know. I lost focus. Since I finished my house, I didn’t have anything else to expend my energy on. I drifted and obsessed on things I shouldn’t even pay attention to.

What am I trying to prove? Why did I even think that the universe will do me favors?

Schadenfreude.

Someone’s laughing now.

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They said that your desk reflects your state of mind. For months I had let my table be messy. I just pushed crap around to give me space to work on, just like when taking down notes.

Then I cleared my desk yesterday.

I hope it will stay that way for a long time.

Other things that kept me grounded in the past few days were my kitties.

These pets remind me of the things that I should be focusing on and be thankful for. It’s not about the past nor the future, but the now. Cats don’t live as long as humans; they live by the day and do not care about the past although they harbor traumas as well (Sushi) and also not worry about the future. All they care about is us, their family. As long as we’re around, they feel everything is ok. They hide from strangers (Sushi) or bite and scratch them because they’re scared or annoyed (Kimchi) but when they’re with just family, they expose their most vulnerable spot because they’re so comfortable and they feel safe. We are everything to them; we are their world.

When I was praying for guidance, a voice told me that I should focus more on my children and not on things that have come to pass and things that are yet to happen or may not happen. When my eyes opened, I saw Twin A for what she is now—losing weight rapidly. She’s so gaunt and weak. Despite the multivitamins and guarding her calorie intake, she has not improved since our last visit to the pediatrician.

Good thing our pedia gave us the order for thyroid tests in advance so I will bring Twin A today to the hospital for this. If she has hyperthyroidism, then it should explain everything. If not, I am stumped by whatever is causing this.

I had to do a huge reset as I was doing things wrongly, doing things for the wrong reasons. Still trying to wrap my head around the reasons. It made me focus on the wrong things, hence, I’m heading into the wrong path.

I have to go through this reset. It’s bumpy, it’s painful, but it’s necessary.

What’s the point of all these? What’s it for?

I woke up to find the sun shining all around me
how could it shine down on me?
sun shining all it’s beauty
why would it shine down on me?
you’d think that it would notice
I can’t take it anymore
just had to ask myself
“what’s it really for?”

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Yes, I sang and played the piano for three hours this evening. Because you know, sometimes the heart just wants to cry in another way.

Do I miss singing in public? Not so much because I remember always having laryngitis or toncilitis when I was still in a band. I quit the band because I was getting sicker and sicker. Well, I wasn’t living an exemplary life then anyway. 😅

But every now and then I find myself wanting to play the piano and sing in some bar. I remember being invited to sing on stage when friends have gigs. I remember being in Conspiracy and singing Walang Hanggang Paalam when Joey Ayala was playing. I don’t know where in the world did I get that hubris to do that but I must have been drunk. 🤦🏻‍♀️

These days I just sing to myself and it’s the best feeling when you realize you still got it.

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I was too lazy to cook today so we went out to eat bibimbap.

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I was thinking of cooking something with dill today because my dill plant is growing well and might as well take advantage of it. I discovered this Polish recipe and made this for dinner. This is supposed to have 30g of dill but I didn’t put that much because I couldn’t kill my plant, can I? So I limited the dill content.

I must say it was good, it was like a warm hug at the end of a rough day. I will make this again with more potatoes and nutmeg.

Didn’t do anything much today so my kids and I went out to eat at a bakery and have their macha fix late afternoon.

Then we just walked all the way to the salon because I need to achieve 4000+ steps today.

I could have saved money and done this by myself but you know, I need to pamper myself every now and then.

Back at home, I forced myself to be productive this weekend by finally installing the peg board on each daughter’s wall.

I bought this cordless drill for 50% off at Handyman. I know it’s a frivolous purchase given that I already have a Bosch wired drill. However, I find that using that drill, powerful as it is, cumbersome for light jobs like this. That’s the reason why it took me forever to install the plastic bag holder on the wall; it was too much work using that drill.

Because I dreaded using that drill, I resorted to attaching this plastic bag container using Command Strips. Nope, not strong enough to hold it on the wall. After destroying my freshly painted walls with super glue, which was still wasn’t enough, I gave up and drilled holes on my wall.

It’s also difficult to use that tool in tight spots, like when I had to redo the curtain rod brackets beside Twin I’s bed on the loft.

Fuck other people. I’m doing things to please myself. I don’t think I can go back to being a slave.

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Beautiful Scars

Broken all the pieces I’ve been shaping lately
Focused on the things that didn’t make no sense
Guess that growing up was never meant to be easy

Yeah, I got used to doing everything sideways
Didn’t really care about how everyone felt
Hiding my emotions down in different ashtrays

Oh, but what is lost ain’t gone
No, you can’t just let go
‘Cause it’s a part of you that will make you strong
Embrace your flaws

I’m not gonna fight back what I’ve become
Yeah, I’ve got bruises where I came from
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars
I’ve been going way too hard on myself
Guess that it’s the reason that I’m feeling like hell
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars

I went down a road that only got me nowhere
I’ve seen every corner, every inch of this place
Being all alone it really got me thinking
Maybe overthinking

That what is lost ain’t gone
No, you can’t just let go
‘Cause it’s a part of you that will make you strong
Embrace your flaws

I’m not gonna fight back what I’ve become
Yeah, I’ve got bruises where I came from
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars
I’ve been going way too hard on myself
Guess that it’s the reason that I’m feeling like hell
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars

Hide these beautiful scars

Hide these beautiful scars

I’m not gonna fight back what I’ve become
Yeah, I’ve got bruises where I came from
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars
I’ve been going way too hard on myself
Guess that it’s the reason that I’m feeling like hell
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars

Hide these
I ain’t gonna hide these
Hide these
Hide these beautiful scars
No

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Why are you still hurting?

I didn’t intend to. It’s just when you loved so much that you didn’t leave anything for yourself, it will take quite a while to find the missing pieces, build yourself up again, and heal.

You want to heal the right way.

Would you have done the same thing if you can restart?

No. I should have had self-love and self-respect for myself.

But I will not hide my scars. It’s part of who I am.

Do they still hurt? Yes, because there are still broken tissues that’s why I still get bruised. But I have to understand that there are no magic potions that can make it go away.

Would you go through it again, love like that?

I don’t think so. I don’t think I can love like that anymore. I’ve exhausted everything that I could give. I’ve emptied myself. Whatever I have will be for me and my girls.

You really need to go on Bumble and Tinder.

No, fairy gaymother, K, that’s not the best way to heal. We’re different. I’m not looking for another. Yes, I get lonely but that’s not the best way to go about it. There should be some kind of acceptance from me first, that I may always be like this. The acceptance is not there yet, I think.

So you see, you need to date.

But not randomly! OMG, why do we have to go through this again? I’m fine. Sometimes I’m not but that’s life. You can’t be all unicorns and rainbows all the time.