Time carries us away From all the places we have come to love; Just wishing we could stay But maybe that’s not the point What makes this all so god damn beautiful Is knowing that its bound to fade in time If you listen you can hear the wind talking to the trees Like words of quiet angels, or so I’d like to believe I don’t know where I am going I don’t know where I want to be But as long as I have a soundtrack I’ll make it there breathing And so it comes, the heavy rain… The storm we’ve all been waiting for To wet our hearts and make sense of this pain From standing still for far too long… (from holding out and holding on to all the things You know will only hold you back in the end) ..like you’re just holding out for something better To steal you from these tired days that you don’t want What are you hoping for? Miracles happen all the time, so where is yours? The rain, it never lies Writing its secrets on the window pane You lose your focus in the subtleties of its poetic grace There’s just something about its sadness that makes You feel okay Do you remember that rainy afternoon When we cried in each other’s arms? When we knew we’d found perfection But somewhere deep inside Knew it had come too soon for us to hang on Or try to make it last We can’t forget these moments baby But our lives are now Don’t lose yours in the past Once we find ourselves I swear I’ll find you again someday But the western wind is calling me… I heard the angels say my name My loner heart is aching, so I’ll be leaving soon To start this lonesome journey When the leaves dance for the moon
This was a difficult week. I struggled with work, almost threw in the towel and quit. I am still three paragraphs into the story I was writing the entire week. There was a little writing here and there after some interviews but basically my brain was dry. I was trying to wring out some creativity from my body but I yielded nothing. Nothing. I resorted to writing on my notebook everything I needed to do per hour just to get me through the day or else I would be stuck.
Agenda for the day. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
To make me feel better, I sing after work. On Wednesday I wasted 2 hours just singing along Youtube. Whatever took my fancy. I needed to let it all out.
Tonight I fell into the rabbit hole of memories, of music I listened to growing up. Tears for Fears figured so prominently in my life in the 1980s because my brother played them constantly. The lone stereo, amplifier, and big speakers were in his room. We had to share it. I didn’t have a say in the music played then. So I drowned in New Wave music (which didn’t become as popular in the US compared to Europe), Tear for Fears, Fra Lippo Lippi, and the local band The Dawn.
We had an exercise in one of my communication courses in college where I had to be a disc jockey for an hour in our campus radio. I had to write the script, song lineup, make sure that the equipment was working before I went on air, research in our college’s music library for my spiels. I picked Tears for Fears to feature in my show. I didn’t care that it was already 1996-1997. Britney and the Spice Girls were rising. Monica and Brandy were battling it out in the airwaves. And yet here I was going retro, stepping 10 years back.
I missed their first and only concert here in Manila (because I was in Cebu at that time, baking under the sun in a lovely beach in Bantayan Island).
I am now being comforted by Roland Orzabal’s solid voice and Curt Smith’s brilliant song writing. Songs from The Big Chair and The Hurting were good albums but I think the best song they have written was Woman in Chains (about a woman’s freedom from an abusive relationship) from the album Seeds of Love.
I love concerts. When I was in high school and college I saved money to watch whatever concert I could afford. But when I started working, time was my enemy. I watched concerts when I had the time, which was in short supply especially when I had the girls.
I remember after one quarterly press conference with Meralco some years ago, Chairman Manny Pangilinan asked us reporters casually who do we want to see Smart Communications bring to the country. Without batting an eyelash I shouted, “U2! Sir, I would take a leave of absence on the day U2 will have their concert here so I can prepare!” He asked, “Really? You think many will watch?” I replied, “Sir, you have no idea about the number of people who would pay an arm and leg for their concert here. Although they are notoriously hard to book. You can entice Bono to one of your CSRs to pull his do-good strings so they will come.”
Seemed like MVP had seriously thought about it. So several years later in December 2019 it was finally happening. Sponsored by Smart. I didn’t go; I really can’t remember the specific reason why but I think it had something to do with J. I think it was because I was saving money at that time because I was supporting him so I didn’t want to spend so much on frivolous things. We were planning to go abroad together (I was scheduled to fly to HK in Feb, SG after that and SKorea in May for the ADB annual meeting) because he needed to be out of the country every 60 days. And U2 is not cheap; the most affordable seat was already equivalent to a plane ticket to Korea.
On the day of the concert, I remember it was pretty late, PLDT called and told me they had some tickets left and they were giving it to me for free. I looked at the time, it was almost 7 pm. The concert was supposed to start at 9 pm. I was tempted but it was such a risk driving late to Philippine Arena in Bulacan and friends told me there were no parking spaces left. Or no parking space to begin with.
I had to let it go. It was for the best. It was just U2. J was more important.
I skipped many concerts throughout the years. Alanis. Cranberries. Gin Blossoms. Because life happened. Because I had children and it was hard to get away during those days. Before I had the girls, I also didn’t have the time because I was putting to bed every night (even on sacred days like New Year’s eve) the business page of the newspaper I worked for. 🤷🏻♀️
But there were concerts that I had to watch, no matter what it took. The Eraserheads original reunion concert at BGC when there were zero skyscapers there back then. It was the time Ely Buendia collapsed backstage in between sets. Turned out his blood vessel had collapsed.
I also watched GooGoo Dolls by my lonesome. Because I had to–I waited for them for 20 years. That was the time I realized I needed to get out of my marriage because I was already watching live rock concerts by myself.
Now I spend hours watching and listening to concerts on Youtube. But of course, it can’t replace live music. One day, concerts will come back and I would be braver by that time, brave enough to watch concerts alone.
Everyone in his life has that one pivotal moment that would have changed history. That one little thing that you never knew at that time would could affect everything that you would do for the rest of your life.
Imagine if Slash’s guitar teacher didn’t dissuade him from playing bass. There would never have been that Sweet Child of Mine guitar solo, or Guns N’ Roses for that matter. Imagine, Slash, a failed bass player.
Or what if James Hetfield decided to cut his hair as his football coach told him to and proceeded to play football and got distracted from playing music. There would not have been a Metallica.
I have yet to remember or rediscover that pivotal moment in my life, that one little decision that would have changed everything, that one little thing that seemed inconsequential at that time but it turned out to be pivotal later on. Maybe it’s when I decided not to join my theater group to the national theater festival at the Cultural Center of the Philippines when I was finishing my thesis. I don’t know. I wouldn’t know if I would have become a better actress if I continued. I don’t know if I would have lasted in theater.
All these stories about pivotal moments left me with one thing: go with what your gut tells you.
I discovered Will Post on Spotify through his horribly beautiful song Kindest Thing. It’s horrible because the song killed me with a thousand knives all over again. It reminded me of why it was the best for me to cut all communication because I can imagine J in this song telling me the stuff Will Post is singing about. I cut all communication because I don’t want pity and I don’t want to feel his disdain.
The song is painful but the beat and the melody are happy, which is annoying because it makes me want to listen to this over and over even if I shouldn’t. Will Post’s voice is like velvet and it’s confusing because his singing makes me want to feel comforted but the lyrics just makes me want to say WTF!
I found Will Post’s live recording of “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” on Youtube, which is a song I always thought better played on piano compared to the upbeat chorus in the original by The Police. This matches his tone better. I hope he covers more songs like this.
I have been spending majority of the afternoon today listening to music because I’m testing my new Bluetooth speaker from Edifier, which sounds very good for the price of PHP 2,300+ (on sale on Lazada 6.6). The bass doesn’t break even if the volume is turned up since it has a subwoofer. It’s value for money as I can finally hear the rich tones of the bass in the piano or guitar. I find that this is best for acoustic music. It also doesn’t look cheap as it is made of wood.
Edifier MP260. Photo by CallMeCreation.comPhoto by CallMeCreation.comIt’s small but it packs a punch. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Even though it’s small, it can fill up the whole room. It has a digital clock and alarm and I don’t know why it does but oh well, let’s just say it’s a bonus feature that I didn’t ask for. It looks good on my revamped workstation. I’ve had so many speakers over the years because I am a music lover and listening on earphones just doesn’t cut it. I accidentally left my JBL Charge in Baguio in 2018 and I still mourn the loss. If money is no object, I would invest in Bang and Olufsen (they’re just so beautiful) or Marshall (their amps!) and annoy my neighbors. If I already have my own place, I would soundproof my room so I can blast music to my heart’s content.
A lot of poor people who lined up early morning today are heartbroken. Jervis Manahan has been tweeting his conversations with them. This is truly heartbreaking. I was supposed to be there today to give rice packs but I waited until this got cleared up. The organizer of this community pantry called out the police for red-tagging her and the volunteerism that has been rising all around as people responded to the failures of this government. As you know, red-tagging means you can be shot anytime by the police and the military.
I don’t think I cried to my mother when my marriage was failing. But this morning I called up my mother and cried to her and said this is breaking my heart so much. A lot of hungry people out there who are left empty-handed. I told her this is like Marcos’ martial law all over again, when you can be killed by the government anytime. She said this is worse compared to the 1970s; Marcos was not as brazen as the demon in Malacañang right now…This is coming from a former activist who joined the Kabataang Makabayan in her youth.
This government wants to kill the little people.
It’s all concerned about its propaganda. When the propaganda is ruined, the government goes into offensive. This is the foundation of this government–no governance, all propaganda.
#OustDuterte #DutertePalpak
Scars are souvenirs you never lose The past is never far Did you lose yourself somewhere out there? Did you get to be a star? And don’t it make you sad to know that life Is more than who we are?
When sadness envelopes you, you get overwhelmed by all other things such as the things you try hard to suppress. It comes up, gurgling, then explodes like a geyser.
A parody of Weekend At Bernie’s, a movie my family enjoyed in the early 1990s.
So the old man is still alive and kicking, as shown in his sort of recorded press briefing, whatever proof-of-life broadcast they did last night. Based on the snippets of whatever is posted on Twitter, there was nothing there of note, just ranting against his critics, no concrete plans about the frickin’ lockdown, no plans–period. And yet the DDS keeps on applauding.
Meanwhile, I am much better today compared to Sunday night and yesterday. I felt so rotten for 24 hrs because the side effects of Sinovac were so pronounced. I was itchy all over and felt like I had flu but not full-blown flu. I just wanted to sleep and stay in bed but I had three calls yesterday so…oh well.
So that means my antibodies are fighting off the inactivated coronavirus? I don’t know but damn it should work, after all the crappy feeling I had yesterday.
My aunt had a stroke and is now suffering from pneumonia. She is diabetic and in her 80s. No hospital in Manila took her in because they are so full so not even non-covid cases could be accommodated. My sister assisted them in finding a hospital in my hometown and thankfully they were able to admit her at 1 am yesterday. My cousin drove back to QC to get clothes and other stuff since it seems like they would be staying there for quite a while. She didn’t have enough masks to allow her to double-mask so I bought a box of surgical masks and gave her all my cloth masks when she stopped by my apartment so she could double mask in the hospital. She went back to my hometown to isolate in one of our rooms in my mom’s house until she could bring home her mom.
So now I’m back to sewing cloth masks again because I don’t have any left. Plus my cousin may need more.
San Miguel Light to keep me company while I sew new masks. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Something horrific happened earlier. I was supposed to message my brother and send him the Lazada link to a laptop that he can check out for his son but damn it I mis-sent it to J. I was wondering why my brother wasn’t responding. Too late, I realized that I sent it to J, because his chat box was next to my brother’s. I had to quickly recall it but it would still show that I sent something. In disgust, I deleted J altogether.
I should have deleted the chat box a long time ago. Now he would think I’m trying to get his attention. Fuck. I’d rather die than do that. I no longer have anything left in me except my dignity. I can’t lose it again.
He may not be my biggest error but he’s my biggest regret. No more, I will never be duped again.
Come to think of it, I don’t know if he really knew me. I bet you he even doesn’t know when my birthday is.
Aside from feeling horrible physically, I am also feeling crappy about that mistake. I needed something to make me feel Ok-things-are-shit-right-now-but-you-will-be-fine-later so I came back to music. I used to listen to “The World I Know” by Collective Soul way back in college when I feel like I’m going nowhere. I would just lie down on my bed and feel the lyrics. I need this right now, after ranting to a friend this morning about work and how I hate it these days and I already wanted to resign but I still don’t have an alternative lined up.
