Category Archives: mommy matters

The miracle of the five loaves and two fish

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68 kg of rice. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Kgs and kgs of rice and other goods to share. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The Maginhawa Community Pantry reopened today and there’s a very long queue. I arrived late in the afternoon because I was swamped with work. However, I managed to somehow get away and buy 68kg of rice divided into 2kg packs. Then I checked the supply the organizers have to see which is abundant and which items must be replenished. I will come back after wrapping up work for the week.

The littlest of people, those who have next to nothing have the biggest heart. I’ve been reading and hearing about the generosity of Filipinos and it warms me and pains me at the same time. Prepandemic there are a lot of hungry people neglected by society and government. This pandemic created more of them.

Meanwhile, I am proud of my daughters. They’re good kids. They prodded me to take PHP 500 from their birthday money to spend on surgical masks to donate. I told them to keep the money and I will do the donation. They said, no Mommy. We still have money. We want to help.

I think because they have been aware of what I keep on doing while they were growing up. When they see their parent helping those who are in need regardless my emotional state and financial status, they pick it up. When they see me feeding homeless cats, they develop sympathy and then empathy. One night I called one of my girls to come out of the house with our plastic container of cat food and water for a kittykat near my bank. She was meowing loudly by the lamppost. I drove by our gate, picked up the food and water and drove back to the kittykat. After making sure she is fine (she was being looked after by the homeless man nearby), I went back home and tell the story to the girls.

Kindness to all humans and animals must be taught from the very beginning. No ifs and buts. I also emphasize to my girls that they should be polite to everybody, regardless of age and economic status, hence the constant use of “po” and “opo”. I always correct their manner of speaking.

Kindness and respect, generosity and empathy for all are basic things I’m teaching my girls. It will guide them all throughout their lives.

My day, in a series of pictures

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That darned ugly thing is always spewed back here by hell. 😖

My floofies. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My bundle of floof a.k.a. kittykats always try to sneak into my room. And they refuse to budge and get off my chair. My chair.

That little sneak. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

That little critter took over my chair while I was having breakfast downstairs (hence, the unmade bed and messy table because I haven’t started my day yet).

The other little sneak after stuffing herself in my handbag. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

They know that the bed is off-limits so either they spread themselves all over my bedroom floor or invade my chair. Giving me an excuse not to work yet.

My floof balls, they’re a joy to have around.

Found some wet food online and they finally arrived! They’re around the same price as the 400g Vitapet wet food that I buy in the Robinsons Express (formerly Shopwise) near the apartment. The big Vitapet cans are hard to come by so I had to search for alternatives online.

I only give this at night, as was the habit started by J since they were little kittens. During daytime they graze on dry food. I should feed them cooked fish and meat every now and then because the dry cat food is high on sodium that causes UTI, kidney, and liver problems.

My dad was right in not believing in dry cat food. We always had separate cooked fish or meat for our cats when he was still alive. The last cat we had ran away a few days after my dad died.

Hmm I should have my cats’ blood work done soon to check… 🤔

Vaccine day

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While in the waiting room, observing for any adverse allergic reaction. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Quezon City finally got its act together and was able to procure enough vaccines to include A3 (residents with comorbidities). For that I’m thankful. My family back in my hometown is still waiting for notices.

I took Grab, thinking that there will be no parking area within or near the public elementary school that they converted into a vaccination center. I was right.

Grab ride ro vaccine center. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My instinct was also right in assuming that there would be less people queueing late afternoon on a Sunday. I had my vaccine within an hour of my arrival there. Going through the screenings was a breeze because I prepared all my medical records.

The school was half-empty. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My 2nd dose will be next month and I don’t know if it would be as easy as this one because my schedule will coincide with those people who will just get their 1st dose. I hope it’s not as chaotic as the first few days of the vax program.

The attending physicians there said Sinovac will be effective seven days after the 2nd shot. Those with allergies and asthma are required to wait for 30 mins to observe for any adverse response, which I did. I’m also expected to feel flu-like symptoms so we were told that we can self-medicate at home.

The most important document these days. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

UPDATE:

We’re screwed.

BEIJING (AP) — In a rare admission of the weakness of Chinese coronavirus vaccines, the country’s top disease control official says their effectiveness is low and the government is considering mixing them to get a boost.

“It’s now under formal consideration whether we should use different vaccines from different technical lines for the immunization process,” Gao said.

Good thing I prepared a mini celebration today for my girls’ birthday tomorrow. If I’m going to be sick tomorrow, at least I’m already half-done with the girls’ birthday cakes and food. One daughter specifically asked for steak while the other asked for pizza. So today is steak day, tomorrow is pizza day.

Prime rib. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Packaging says it’s made of coconut and is supposed to be smokeless. The anahaw fan is an indispensable tool when grilling. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This charcoal briquette claims to be smokeless. To some extent, it produced less smoke but that darn thing doesn’t easily burn. So I had to add ordinary charcoal to produce embers quicker.

Red velvet from Old Baguio Cafe. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

We have too many cakes since my neighbor gifted the girls with a box of sans rival while I bought carrot cake from Old Baguio Cafe on the way home from the vaccination center. Then I bought slices of red velvet and strawberry shortcake to try.

This government is so obsessed trying to convince the public that the president is alive and well. The people at the top do not give a fuck that we’re sinking deeper and deeper. That today is supposed to be the last day of the enhanced community quarantine (ECQ) a.k.a. hard lockdown and yet they haven’t issued guidelines yet for tomorrow’s modified ECQ. Everything will be a mess tomorrow, as expected.

The photo that Bong Go and his ilk have been sending to media.

That guy isn’t even Duterte. The big tummy is missing. And who in his right mind would be golfing at night?! And why is the golf bag in the way?

Proof of life? Nay. If the president is incapacitated, under the law the VP takes over. The VP who is working tirelessly finding solutions to workable problems like mass testing and giving aid to those who tested positive despite her limited budget. To keep them at home and equipping them for Covid home care.

We need a leader.

Especially when we’re spiraling into lawlessness

Political parasites

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This guy is a partylist congressman, who is what I can call a political parasite/whore without any shame at all. I had interviewed him in the past a couple of times but I didn’t produce any story after those interviews because there was no substance at all. Such a waste of space.

Anyway, he has been spreading all over social media that he is freely giving away Ivermectin as cure for COVID-19. This idiot 1) wasted people’s money buying an anti-parasitic drug for animals that 2) could harm people taking it, especially with the wrong dosage. This is what the US FDA has to say about this:

Here’s What You Need to Know about Ivermectin

  • FDA has not approved ivermectin for use in treating or preventing COVID-19 in humans. Ivermectin tablets are approved at very specific doses for some parasitic worms, and there are topical (on the skin) formulations for head lice and skin conditions like rosacea. Ivermectin is not an anti-viral (a drug for treating viruses).
  • Taking large doses of this drug is dangerous and can cause serious harm. 
  • If you have a prescription for ivermectin for an FDA-approved use, get it from a legitimate source and take it exactly as prescribed. 
  • Never use medications intended for animals on yourself. Ivermectin preparations for animals are very different from those approved for humans. 

What we need are vaccines, not anti-parasitics drugs for horses! I just want to hit his face with my classmate’s urn.

Meanwhile, I’m presenting my haul from the last two Lazada sale (3.3 and birthday sale)…I got 480 pcs of sticker tiles to make my ugly bathroom more tolerable. My landlady didn’t even fix the bathroom when we moved in. I refuse to spend so much for tiles to make my bathroom more presentable. Even this already cost me PHP 3,000.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I just have to solve the problem of the floor tiles. I don’t know if re-grouting will solve its dingy-ness or I should waste money for something that is not mine and have the floor re-tiled. I don’t think my landlady will be willing to shoulder an expense like that for aesthetic reasons. Maybe I should just buy more exchange traded funds (ETF). I bought it at PHP 100 per share last week and now it’s at PHP 98.35. I have to even out my portfolio.

So I have to hold out and make do with what I have and be satisfied with just repainting/refreshing the walls of the apartment. I should save up until I have my lot and tiny house constructed. My friend just told me the other day that there is a 150 sqm lot that is for sale somewhere in our hometown for PHP 1.6m, which is a bit expensive given its location. Maybe I should look around some more. I wish I can drive to Anilao and check out some lots…

Patience. Patience. No one is chasing me. A better option will come up.

Another friend asked me, are you still angry? I said, hmmmm somewhat. If my anger is triggered, then I will be a seething tiger and I’ll be in a bad mood for two days. But most of the days I try to bury it and try to move on. I just pray that he doesn’t catch COVID and his lover doesn’t mangle his home care if ever gets sick of it–he has an abnormally high risk of heart attack due to elevated LDL. If she turns out to be that young bitch, then I don’t know if she can handle 24/7 care of another person while she is still very much under the supervision of her parents.

Taking care of critically ill loved ones requires you to put brakes on your own life. Their needs come first before your own. I’ve had experience taking care and raising premature infants in the neonatal ICU (they allowed me to stay there for more than a month since I had two infants). My children battled sepsis, pneumonia, and a host of other things for more than a month and everyday I didn’t know if they would live or die. I was running around Metro Manila and Laguna looking for blood for transfusions. I diligently monitored their O2 sats and heartbeats every moment I could while watching various tubes sticking into their bodies that were barely bigger than my hand. I didn’t cry at that time; I could not afford to be emotional during those days. I learned how to be level-headed and be lucid in times of intense emotional moments. I’ve also nursed my parents, especially my father, when he was in and out of the hospital for years. I don’t know how I was able to do those things. I’ve schooled myself to be a highly functional individual and learned to compartmentalize so I could cope. That’s why when my father died, I was the only one who was functioning in my family even if I only had three hours of sleep that entire week. I facilitated the legal procedures, the paperwork, the arrangements for the wake, the housekeeping, the financials, the cremation, etc. Then I crashed after all was said and done. I crash only when I allow myself to crash.

So would you help if he gets sick, my friend asked. I said if I’m asked to, I will. But I just wish he’d just leave the country soon because he’s going to be safer elsewhere than here because this country is going to the dogs. You still love him, don’t you, my friend said. I told him, that’s already a given, I’ve already come into terms with that; you don’t easily pull a switch and that is that. Unlike J, who just–poof!–love is gone. I wondered if he really even loved me. Maybe it was just infatuation.

I am just waiting for the moment that I will become indifferent. It has been almost four months. Four fucking long months. I wish i could just fast-forward time and be done with it.

What are you trying to prove?

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I asked myself this question when I was analyzing the situation with my ex-partner, J. What we were was really a combination of so many layers, of so many things. One thing about us is that I felt like I was not part of his plans. I never figured in it.

One time we were watching this Indian movie about the ‘Pad Man’, the true to life story of a guy who invented low-cost menstrual pads for Indian women. He was ostracized by everybody (because, India) as menstruation is taboo and a man tackling that is double taboo. Anyway, J asked me if I would support him if he was Pad Man. I said, I would, all the way. Even if it sounds crazy, even if it is daunting, I will give all I got to support him

Which I did. I never discouraged him from anything that he was thinking he wanted to do. I helped him do the leg work. For everything. The co-working space idea, the medical cassette whatever that is, and the last one was investment banking and consultancy. I pulled all the stops and did whatever and supported him to be where he is now.

But then, I couldn’t see myself in this future he was building. He didn’t include me. I asked him the last time we talked face to face, where are you headed? I don’t know where you are, I can’t see you, I no longer know what’s inside your head.

Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants. But he knows what he doesn’t want. Me.

I may be wrong but part of his restlessness is brought about by this need to prove something to other people. I don’t know. I just feel that he has to put on a face to his family, especially when he hid himself on LinkedIn from his cousin after he quit the large firm almost 3 years ago. I asked why. He said I don’t want them to know I don’t have a job/not successful/whatever. Aside from that I always felt that he was on a race to something, that by xx time he should already yy.

Meanwhile, I am probably on a different plane. I don’t have anything to prove to anybody. I’m not on a race. I have a classmate who is a literal rocket scientist helping to launch satellites into space. Half of my classmates have PhDs or whatever. My siblings are PhDs and experts in their fields, and so are my parents. However, I don’t feel any urgency to follow their paths. I may aim to be the head for Asia Pacific for my company and I can achieve that if I put my mind to it but it’s not something I would be killing myself over for. It would look nice on my CV but if it happens, it happens but it’s not really the goal.

I don’t have that much chip on my shoulder professionally. I am my profession, which is also a vocation. I’m in that unique space where my job is my passion. Which is in some way limiting as well because I couldn’t leave it without being torn apart. At some point I would have to leave because I have two dependents and their father is not contributing financially to their upbringing. Staying as a journalist is not financially rewarding but it feeds my soul.

So do I have anything to prove to anybody now that I’m in my 40s? Do I feel some pressure that I should be this xxx by age yyyy? I don’t know, not really. It’s hard to set lofty career goals when you’re also the primary caretaker of your children. Their needs come first. Women, especially solo parents, most of the time dial back because they have to take into consideration how career advancement would affect the children. I honestly haven’t been on top of my children’s school work because my own team at work is struggling and I manage them remotely while I need to hit my personal goals at work at the same time. For the life of me, I don’t know how I would be able to manage them if I don’t have my helpers to do the household chores. I don’t have the mental space for anything else. So when the grief button is pushed at random times, my weak walls crumble, become inanimate for a day or two and I have to work my way back up again.

What do I want to prove? I don’t know. I just want to live peacefully and meaningfully. I no longer think about what others would think. I don’t have anything to prove to my mother and she accepts me for what I am and what I have achieved so far. I don’t need my siblings’ acceptance and approval. As long as we stay away from each other’s business, we’re cool. My children love me. I no longer think I need a partner to make me feel loved and important. I’m still working on this mantra but just thinking about the work it entails to have another person in my life is exhausting. Besides it would surely lead to heartbreak that I don’t have the capacity to carry anymore.

Everytime I step out, I am playing hide and seek with death (reports of lung opacity and intubation of 19 year old COVID-19 patients with no comorbidities mean everyone is fair game), reminding me of my mortality. It makes me realize I’m on borrowed time. On our deathbeds, we don’t say I wish I became the global head for this and that before I go… My dad, a few days before he died, told his friend that he can already go as he already made peace with his children and he had settled all the things he had to settle. He was already satisfied.

So what do I want to prove? Nothing. I just want my children to be good human beings. Nothing else.

Smaller world

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Taking shelter from the rain. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

5000 new cases yesterday, the highest since August. This is why they try to curtail movement again. That’s the only thing this brainless government knows how to do. No comprehensive vaccine program, no useful contact-tracing program where our records are not stolen by scammers, no nothing. It’s like being in Myanmar right now.

It’s kinda like being on a semi-lockdown again on the anniversary of the COVID-19 lockdown. I can’t explain what I’m feeling right now because I am trying to suppress any strong emotion these days. The closest thing I can say is I’ve given up hope that we will be ok.

UP Diliman started banning joggers and bikers again until further notice. My daughters and I tried cycling along University Ave but it rained. We had to go back and just bought Korean ice cream from Seoul Meat on the way home to make them feel better.

Finishing their “dirty” ice cream near Mang Larry’s during our exercise last week, before UP campus had shut down. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I couldn’t bring them elsewhere to have our exercise. Police had set up checkpoints at the border of QC and Rizal so we can’t go to Angono or Binangonan for biking. I guess that would be the same case everywhere. No more going home to Laguna this Holy Week. I can’t have my Laguna biking trip. I wonder if we can still go to Anilao a week after that. I booked Blue Ribbon resort for four days before cases started spiking.

Circumstances are really forcing me to live inside my head again. I want to scream. I want to cry but I’m tired of crying. Been crying for exactly three months now. I’m stuck. In my room. The worst place to be stuck because I shared this room with him for two years. I couldn’t move houses because at the moment it’s better to be in this location since it’s near UP. My brain needs the openness of my university, figuratively and literally. It’s also convenient to have supermarkets within walking distance when you are trying to avoid people.

I want to be in Japan right now. To be in Gifu and Ishikawa. Once this madness is all over, that’s where I will be.