Category Archives: mommy matters

Solo

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My girls were just fetched by their dad and I’m home alone with the cats. It’s not a strange feeling because I was like this exactly a year ago except that then I was locked up in my room crying my eyes out. This time I will be cleaning like crazy and finishing all my DIY projects, like repainting the top closets and the closets in the next room. Maybe tomorrow I’ll start missing the girls.

I’m scared for my girls though because there’s a low pressure area building up near Guam and that may hit the Visayas again. I pray that it won’t be as severe as Typhoon Rai. But that dang thing looks massive.

Satellite image courtesy of US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

I started using NOAA when somebody taught me that surfers in the Philippines use this to monitor where and when the big waves will be. I used this when we did a vigil before Super Typhoon Haiyan made its landfall on Guian, Eastern Samar–a popular surf town. When I was on the ground doing my reporting, we were aiming to get to Guian but I was already too tired jumping from Leyte and Samar that week, driving for several hundreds of km each day. The farthest I got to in Samar was the town of Marabut, which was flattened to the ground.

Marabut’s poblacion, where homes and public buildings were left with no roofs. The people hid in caves. (2013) Photo by CallMeCreation.com

When Super Typhoon Rai made its first landfall a few days ago, it was on Dinagat Islands and Siargao, another popular surfing island-town. The video below shows how strong Typhoon Rai was, destroying the sports complex where evacuees were taking shelter.

Lord, have me mercy on us all.

I was too lazy to cook today so this is what we had for brunch. In the photo is my brunch while the girls had rice instead of yakisoba. And the soy sauce is half chili oil; the girls don’t like that. I was too lazy to cook this evening so I resorted to easy samgyupsal and veggies for me and the girls.

Lazy cook. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I don’t have the patience now to cook one-pot dishes because I was cleaning non-stop because my landlady’s handyman was fixing the regular problem of leaking roof.

I only have until 2023 to suffer this old apartment…Wheeeee!

New old books from my friend B. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Tsundoku strikes again!

My friend, who just came back from Singapore to spend the Christmas here, sent me her old books as she was cleaning their condo while in home quarantine. Of course, I welcomed the books. I would spend my free time this holiday break reading these and those that I had hoarded in the past. Tee hee!

My problem now is I have too many books to move again.

I had been spending my idle time scrolling through Pinterest and Instagram for bookshelf/office ideas to house my books. I still have a lot of them in my mom’s house and I’m afraid they would be dumped on me once I move in my flat.

Growing up so fast

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At the salon. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My girls have asked me if they can have haircuts because their pandemic hair already looked unruly. So since today is a Catholic holiday, I obliged and went to a salon that didn’t require prior appointment.

I took advantage of the free time and brought them to their dentist for their prophylaxis. What was supposed to be an emergency procedure (because Twin I broke her molar tooth but it turned out to be a clean break) became a routine procedure–annual cleaning. Might as well get that out of the way.

It was kinda awkward that one of the assistants asked about J, whom they referred to as the girls’ dad. I was at the waiting room when that was asked so I didn’t know. Isay honestly said, oh he’s not my dad and he’s no longer around.

The assistant said, oh but you looked like him that’s why I mistook him as your dad.

It must be the eyes. My girls got my small eyes.

Anyway, after dentist, we braved SM Marikina because I need to buy them underwear–especially bras–because they have grown up so fast. I’m surprised that they have matured earlier than me. My body started to change when I was 12 and really didn’t have pimples until I was in college.

Their choices for their clothes and other personal stuff are no longer child-like. They hate princess stuff and gravitate towards more mature colors like teal, grey, and black.

My little girls are no longer little. They’re turning into ladies. 🥺

At the same time, I’m preparing myself for the changes my body will also go through. This essay on Huffpost is like a slap in the face for me who had become so insecure about my age after I have had an ageist ex-partner who went after a girl almost 15 yrs his junior. I didn’t mind before that I was already 40. It was a badge of honor that I reached that age and hopefully much wiser. But then…I met J. Oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have to get over that trauma. I’m fine. My age doesn’t matter anymore. It’s just me and my friends, who thankfully don’t care about my age. I just need to lose my belly and I’m ok.

I will be ok.

Better

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Feeling much better today so I managed to write and publish another story. I keep posting job ads, too. I must fill up these vacant positions soon.

Cats are really therapeutic. Bad day at work? Squish your cat like you do stress balls. Play with them and they will make you laugh.

Sushi and Kimchi ready to ambush the laser pointer. Photo by Twin A for CallMeCreation.com

I talked to my best friend yesterday and told her I would be going home soon with my girls to settle down there. I told her, I think I’m already ok growing old solo and this flat I’m going to build is just the start. I will save up money also for a condo unit in Makati and/or a small cottage by the sea.

She said my decision is sound; we are at this stage that we don’t want to be harassed financially anymore. She assured me that it’s ok to stay put even if all the others are saying, “Don’t let go of this opportunity!” Because we should be doubling down on our savings now for retirement and children’s education.

Because I feel guilty that I’m depriving my children a chance to live abroad and be exposed to foreign cultures in exchange for comfort and peace. BFF told me our other BFF was also thinking of moving back to Vietnam, to her old post with an MNC. She did the numbers as well but she realized it wouldn’t work without the expat package. She is a single parent to two kids under the age of six (another case of having an irresponsible father). So instead, she stayed put and pursued her sandwich program in Belgium and here while she keeps her job with an international institution. She said there’s no point of living like a pauper abroad when we can be very comfortable here. Stability is important for solo parents.

Such is the fate of parents…especially single parents. Without a good support system, it would be really hard to spread our wings.

I hope I’m making the right decision.

Back after two years

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Waiting for my food at 3F Lasema. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Since it’s Bonifacio Day today = no school, the girls asked me if we can go to Lasema. I was thinking of having a massage so, why not?

The staff recognized the girls and were happy to see that they have grown up, pimples and all. They also said I lost weight; I replied Covid is a good weight loss program.

We spent more than four hours there. The girls went back and forth the hot tubs and the dining area three times while I had my massage after spending an hour in the hot tubs. Then I went back again just to remove the oil in my body. It was an expensive Bonifacio Day outing so that’s why we made sure we got our money’s worth. If only the girls didn’t have to wake up early tomorrow, we could have napped there and gone back to the hot tubs for a final soak before calling it a night.

My back aches didn’t go away but at least my muscles have relaxed.

Meanwhile, my cats have gone crazy.

Laser!!! Photos by CallMeCreation.com

Been driving my cats bonkers with our new laser pointer. They have been chasing up and down that little red dot. It’s a good physical exercise for them, especially chunky Kimchi.

The trip to the onsen is now making me sleepy. G’night.

Revenge shopping

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My new peach rose. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Last Thursday I couldn’t help myself, I still bought a new rose bush and a sunflower.

I have yet to transfer it to a terracotta pot. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My white rose blooming again. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

With careful tending, my white rose bush is blooming again while my mini pink rose and yellow rose are forming buds again. Roses require a lot of attention like regular fertilizing, deadheading, and trimming.

Sunflower past its prime. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Meanwhile, this sunflower seems to be always thirsty. This big flower is past its prime but it has a number of buds at its back. Needs careful tending as well.

Today we went to Tiendesitas to buy Twin I a new bathing suit from Decathlon since the new one I bought a couple of months ago no longer fit her. They will be going to the beach with their dad during the Christmas holidays so I need to buy them new clothes. It’s hard to rely on home measurements or eyeballing shoe sizes and clothes.

Trying the archery set at Decathlon Pasig. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I went overboard though. Not only did I buy them new running shoes (because Twin’s growing feet could no longer fit in her months-old shoes), I bought them sports bras, running jerseys (to use when we go biking), duffel bags, and sleeping bags for our camping trip in January.

Then we ate ramen at Tenya, the first time we ate out since the pandemic began last year in March. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I want to buy some Japanese lanterns. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
To make this little corner alive. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

We dropped by at Mr. DIY for some home improvement stuff and miscellaneous items that the girls bought as gifts to their best friend who is celebrating her birthday tomorrow. The girls will be picked up tomorrow by the their friend’s parent while I will be driving to my hometown because we have a livestream at 8 pm.

And I bought fake flowers because I couldn’t have real ones inside the house. Because cats.

We bought a laser pointer to play with the cats. They need more exercise. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

And I finally finished the last panel of my granny curtains for my room. I’m running out of projects to do.

My room is getting cozier. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My high school friends said I should bring my new piano tomorrow so we could jam. I missed being in a band–mostly the jamming sessions with friends. The part where we were on the road for gigs…not so much. That part was exhausting and we had day jobs then.

Hmm I have to bring my camera to take a video, for posterity’s sake. Jamming session after 20 years.

Confronting trauma

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Exactly a year ago today.

I have to confront these feelings again that I try to bury because whenever I get triggered, I go through the cycle again of being at the bottom and then struggle climbing my way up from that dark hole.

As a reply to all the things I wrote on this same date last year: NO, he does not miss me, he does not regret it and I just disappeared (no fading away). That’s it. That day I was writing about has never come and it will never come.

Confront these feelings. Don’t run away from it, don’t hide. It’s for my own good. There will come a time that I won’t get triggered anymore. That it won’t hurt anymore. That it’s not my fault and he wasn’t just a nice person. He was a coward for not telling it to my face and resorted to just breaking up with me on the phone, didn’t even give me that dignity after all the things I’ve done for him.

I have to confront these feelings head on.

I have to admit that writing yesterday’s entry got me triggered again. I stayed in bed the entire morning and I finally pushed my butt to get on my seat to work after lunch. My shrink was right, my trigger is anything connected to my feelings about him. It bogs me down. It’s not stress about work that keeps me from writing–it’s this trauma.

I have to fight this trauma.

man in black shirt and pants standing on the floor
Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

My kids are preteens now. They’re starting to get pimples and their bodies have started to change. They have grown so much that the top of their heads would soon reach mine. And yet, a part of them are still children. Like how they jumped up and down my bed, damaging a part of my new bed frame.

At the welding shop. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

So I had that part of the frame welded and reinforced at a shop near our old house. Now my bed no longer creaks, thank goodness.

I have a towel hanger that has collapsed already. I’ll bring it to this shop for reinforcement.

Meanwhile, Kimchi is begging for some petting.

So fluffy! Photo by CallMeCreation.com

She’s so squishy! She’s a stress reliever.