Category Archives: memories

of backstage and the applause

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My blog entry yesterday reminded me of why I still liked Neil Patrick Harris. He is hilarious as Barney in How I Met Your Mother and his Tony Awards performances are lovely to watch. This clip of NPH’s performance during the 2013 Tony Awards made me miss theater so much.

I came across a video of Philip Quast (Javert in Les Miserables) explaining his process of singing Javert’s suicide; it’s not so much about the technique of singing, but it’s about the motivations behind the words he was singing. He said he likes acting not because of the live audience but because he likes the rehearsals more, the process of building something, uncovering a character, understanding the motivations and interactions. He doesn’t believe in playing characters but rather the roles are not characters because they are you, they are a part of you. I completely understood what he was trying to explain.

Apart from writing, music and theater were my passions growing up. In elementary, I joined singing contests and whatever contest that involved the stage (soliloquies, poetry out loud, etc). In high school, I was a member of the Speech and Dramatics Club and joined whatever stage plays our school had. I did that until college. I was supposed to be part of the ensemble of my theater group that performed at the Cultural Center of the Philippines (I think it was for two weeks) during a national theater festival but I had to back out because I was doing my undergrad thesis. I also auditioned for the local production of the musical Lean, just for lark, to see if I could make it. And I did; I was shortlisted to go through the second round. I didn’t pursue it because I was finishing my thesis (yeah, thesis does suspend your life) and I wasn’t really keen on the local production itself (not the material, the libretto is great). Good thing I didn’t go for it because the production turned out to be a mess.

What I miss about theater, as Philip Quast said, were the rehearsals–the build up. I was terrified of being in front of audiences actually. I have a terrible stage fright. For me theater is 70% about the rehearsals. Whenever we have closed the curtains for good, I would feel a pang and it would hit me that there would no longer be rehearsals to go to after classes.

There was a time when I was running around so much because I had theater, I played football, and I had an active social life. I had to give up football when I couldn’t fit everything as school demanded more of my time.

Fast-forward, when I was already working in Manila, I would try to watch musicals and straight plays if 1) I had the time and 2) I can afford it. That became less frequent when I had the girls.

Sometimes I dream about being in theater again, being in some production.

I dream about so many things that I miss…

The Philippines is ours

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The World Tonight: China’s Coast Guard, missile boats pursue ABS-CBN News Team’s boat in West PH Sea.

I have so many things to be angry about these days, hence, the constant blogging. I do not have anybody to talk to in-person about these things these days and I can’t just constantly vent my anger on social media since I’m trying to avoid social media as it’s been adding to my anxiety.

This bullying by China is one of those things that’s eliciting so much rage inside me, which has attracted a lot of Chinese bots on my Twitter account. I don’t care if the CCP has been monitoring me. I don’t think I’m going back to Hong Kong soon.

‘Infuriating’, ‘heartbreaking’, says Robredo as Chinese ships chase Filipino vessel in West PH Sea

MANILA— Vice President Leni Robredo said Friday she was enraged and heartbroken that a Filipino vessel was driven out by Chinese ships inside the West Philippine Sea. 

“When you watch the video, nakakagalit, nakakadurog ng puso na nangyayari ‘yon (it’s infuriating and heartbreaking that it’s happening) within our territory,” she told ANC’s “Headstart”.

The statement of the Armed Forces of the Philippines infuriates me even further, that they issued it on this day 79 years ago when thousands of Filipino and American soldiers died defending that last bastion but eventually Bataan fell. When they were defending the country from the Japanese invaders…take note of the word, INVADERS. Araw ng Kagitingan (Day of Valor) commemorates those who were lost during the Bataan Death March but the statement of the today’s soldiers completely annihilates the essence of the word valor. They are allowing Filipinos to be bullied 90 nautical miles off Palawan…IT’S CLEARLY FUCKING WITHIN OUR TERRITORY!

Defense Secretary Delfin Lorenzana was supposed to give a press conference earlier this week but it seemed like he was gagged; he said he is cancelling the briefing because he tested positive for COVID-19 but is asymptomatic. This administration conveniently uses COVID as an excuse whenever they 1) want to gag somebody; or 2) don’t want to face the media and be accountable to what was happening under their watch (I’m looking at you, PNP Chief Debold Siñas!).

We’re so fucked up. We exchanged our sovereignty for vaccines.

If I have a choice, I wouldn’t be taking that vaccine. But it’s Sophie’s choice—it’s between me surviving so my children can grow up with a responsible parent until they become adults or they lose their mother early either to COVID or lasting effects or complications from COVID (if I initially survive hospitalization or a similar set-up).

I remember growing up with so much rage inside me that I usually locked myself up in my room to write in my journal to release my pent-up fury. In elementary, I tinkered with the computer, that big beige box that only had a black screen with green or white texts. I had to boot from DOS using a floppy disk before powering up WordStar to write my journal entries that I saved in 5.25″ floppy disks. I was channeling my inner Doogie Howser.

Screencap by Robert J. Sawyer of arsTechnica

Then I moved on to creating my notebook journals where I poured my soul. My mom said she was worried about me when I was in high school because I was always in my room and she thought I was turning into a some sort of wacko but she didn’t know that I needed solitude to be able to write. But come to think of it, because of this rage, I became a writer.

I wanted to buy my own typewriter then so I can write my manuscripts the old fashioned way. I was so in-love with the image of a writer, and later on of a journalist, hunched over a typewriter trying to beat the deadline. But I had to content myself with just using the communal computer at home to write my short stories and novellas that I distributed to friends. When I was in high schooI, I started publishing in a literature magazine of national circulation. I received letters from readers, even from abroad, who liked my stories. Then I started publishing my articles on the Philippine Daily Inquirer when I was in college. When I tell friends from PDI that I started as a lifestyle journo for their newspaper, they were surprised that I didn’t continue writing for them. I told them I tried applying for Inquirer Libre, the defunct tabloid that they used to distribute in the MRT, but the interviewers didn’t like me. I remember they laughed at the fact that I was a lifestyle writer and mentioned something unflattering about Tim Yap and his ilk (for the record, I didn’t hang out with them–they don’t even know I existed!). That unfortunate interview was a blessing because I went in a different direction–a much better direction, I should say.

So yeah, it was rage that started me into writing. Developing this craft is a lifetime occupation; it never stops. So when somebody asks me, when did you start writing? I would answer him/her, I started at 10 years old, when I was copying Doogie Howser, which was my favorite TV show when I was a kid. Neil Patrick Harris is still a favorite, 31 years later.

Political parasites

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This guy is a partylist congressman, who is what I can call a political parasite/whore without any shame at all. I had interviewed him in the past a couple of times but I didn’t produce any story after those interviews because there was no substance at all. Such a waste of space.

Anyway, he has been spreading all over social media that he is freely giving away Ivermectin as cure for COVID-19. This idiot 1) wasted people’s money buying an anti-parasitic drug for animals that 2) could harm people taking it, especially with the wrong dosage. This is what the US FDA has to say about this:

Here’s What You Need to Know about Ivermectin

  • FDA has not approved ivermectin for use in treating or preventing COVID-19 in humans. Ivermectin tablets are approved at very specific doses for some parasitic worms, and there are topical (on the skin) formulations for head lice and skin conditions like rosacea. Ivermectin is not an anti-viral (a drug for treating viruses).
  • Taking large doses of this drug is dangerous and can cause serious harm. 
  • If you have a prescription for ivermectin for an FDA-approved use, get it from a legitimate source and take it exactly as prescribed. 
  • Never use medications intended for animals on yourself. Ivermectin preparations for animals are very different from those approved for humans. 

What we need are vaccines, not anti-parasitics drugs for horses! I just want to hit his face with my classmate’s urn.

Meanwhile, I’m presenting my haul from the last two Lazada sale (3.3 and birthday sale)…I got 480 pcs of sticker tiles to make my ugly bathroom more tolerable. My landlady didn’t even fix the bathroom when we moved in. I refuse to spend so much for tiles to make my bathroom more presentable. Even this already cost me PHP 3,000.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I just have to solve the problem of the floor tiles. I don’t know if re-grouting will solve its dingy-ness or I should waste money for something that is not mine and have the floor re-tiled. I don’t think my landlady will be willing to shoulder an expense like that for aesthetic reasons. Maybe I should just buy more exchange traded funds (ETF). I bought it at PHP 100 per share last week and now it’s at PHP 98.35. I have to even out my portfolio.

So I have to hold out and make do with what I have and be satisfied with just repainting/refreshing the walls of the apartment. I should save up until I have my lot and tiny house constructed. My friend just told me the other day that there is a 150 sqm lot that is for sale somewhere in our hometown for PHP 1.6m, which is a bit expensive given its location. Maybe I should look around some more. I wish I can drive to Anilao and check out some lots…

Patience. Patience. No one is chasing me. A better option will come up.

Another friend asked me, are you still angry? I said, hmmmm somewhat. If my anger is triggered, then I will be a seething tiger and I’ll be in a bad mood for two days. But most of the days I try to bury it and try to move on. I just pray that he doesn’t catch COVID and his lover doesn’t mangle his home care if ever gets sick of it–he has an abnormally high risk of heart attack due to elevated LDL. If she turns out to be that young bitch, then I don’t know if she can handle 24/7 care of another person while she is still very much under the supervision of her parents.

Taking care of critically ill loved ones requires you to put brakes on your own life. Their needs come first before your own. I’ve had experience taking care and raising premature infants in the neonatal ICU (they allowed me to stay there for more than a month since I had two infants). My children battled sepsis, pneumonia, and a host of other things for more than a month and everyday I didn’t know if they would live or die. I was running around Metro Manila and Laguna looking for blood for transfusions. I diligently monitored their O2 sats and heartbeats every moment I could while watching various tubes sticking into their bodies that were barely bigger than my hand. I didn’t cry at that time; I could not afford to be emotional during those days. I learned how to be level-headed and be lucid in times of intense emotional moments. I’ve also nursed my parents, especially my father, when he was in and out of the hospital for years. I don’t know how I was able to do those things. I’ve schooled myself to be a highly functional individual and learned to compartmentalize so I could cope. That’s why when my father died, I was the only one who was functioning in my family even if I only had three hours of sleep that entire week. I facilitated the legal procedures, the paperwork, the arrangements for the wake, the housekeeping, the financials, the cremation, etc. Then I crashed after all was said and done. I crash only when I allow myself to crash.

So would you help if he gets sick, my friend asked. I said if I’m asked to, I will. But I just wish he’d just leave the country soon because he’s going to be safer elsewhere than here because this country is going to the dogs. You still love him, don’t you, my friend said. I told him, that’s already a given, I’ve already come into terms with that; you don’t easily pull a switch and that is that. Unlike J, who just–poof!–love is gone. I wondered if he really even loved me. Maybe it was just infatuation.

I am just waiting for the moment that I will become indifferent. It has been almost four months. Four fucking long months. I wish i could just fast-forward time and be done with it.

Taken for granted

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Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I now know the reason relationship J happened. The raison d’etre.

It is teaching me now to walk away from a person who is just taking you for granted. The relationship gave me the red flags to watch out for. It is teaching me that just because that person happened to be by your side physically, it doesn’t mean he loves you and you deserve to be treated like that. It doesn’t mean things will improve even if you push more to win his love. You can never win the love of a person who is just taking you for granted. Do not be with somebody who didn’t think you are precious because he will not take care of you and not think that you are worth his time and effort.

When you’re giving much more energy than you’re receiving, walk away.

Do not accept chump change of affection.

You are a good, respectable, and intelligent person. You have so much love to give. You deserve love and respect. Nothing less.

It’s better to be alone than be with somebody who doesn’t love and appreciate you. Or else you will be one mess of a person popping antidepressants, thinking that things are fine because he is gaslighting you.

He fell in love with you. But falling in love with you is much different from loving you. The latter requires more work and it is the acceptance of the person you are today, rather than the person he initially thought you were when he fell in love with you.

It’s ok to be alone. It’s better to be alone.

It’s almost a year of quarantine

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The storm drain where we rescued my cats. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

It will soon be the first anniversary of COVID-19 quarantine. I don’t know how long I can take it anymore. One year. We’re now experiencing a second wave, with daily new cases reaching 3000 3,500. But this stupid government still doesn’t have a clear vaccination on program. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway, this also meant that my cats will be almost 1 year old. We found them late April or early May at the back of Institute of Chemistry. I visited today on my bike that storm drain where we found them trapped. It was so overgrown with weeds and other debris.

My cats are so lucky we found them before they died of hunger and dehydration in this storm drain. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I went around the Science Complex before proceeding to the vegetable shop for our weekly supplies. My bike now sports a new detachable handlebar bag from Decathlon so that my green leafy veggies will not get crushed in the other bag tied to my pannier. I’m so happy with it. I no longer have to carry a backpack (which is annoying when I bike).

I love my bike. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This coming Holy Week I will be bringing the girls and our bikes to my hometown. Let’s see if I can reach other towns in Laguna with just my pedaling power. Maybe I’ll ride with some high school classmates. It’ll be a whole new adventure going around Laguna on a bike.

So I was kickass at work today

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Another day without riding the bike today. I wasn’t in the mood yesterday because I had a home massage via Zennya (their therapists are in PPEs so more or less I feel safer). As a reward for a really crappy long weekend due to lack of sleep. Probably it was the tea I’ve been consuming lately that’s been keeping me up until the wee hours.

Today I was too engrossed writing a scoop and then editing in between. Being a workaholic has advantages, especially in times like this. (What is this this, you ask. The this I am pertaining to is my journey to self-healing and forgiveness of myself)

I’ve always been busy, never been bored. My hands always needed something to do, like sewing, writing, paper crafting, reading, reading, reading, and more reading. Even when I was on hospital duty (either my dad or mom required long hospital stays), I always had a cross stitch project with me, tons of books, and notebooks to write on (this was in the late 1990s and early 2000s, before mobile Internet was democratized). Unfortunately, my cross stitch projects remind me that I stayed as a caregiver for a long time that’s why I was able to finish them in one go.

I can’t remember when was this but I think this was when I was in college when my mom, older sister, and I took turns in taking care of my father when stayed in the hospital for three months because he had a diabetic foot wet gangrene that almost cost his leg to be amputated. It required him to stay for that long because he needed to grow back his flesh then they grafted skin from his butt onto his leg to close the open wound. The cross stitch project I was able to finish that time is now hanging over the shelf containing my Totoro collection at the landing of our stairs.

This is for a face mask project I’m doing for a friend. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I’ve been sewing face masks since February last year. At first it was due to necessity because there was a huge shortage of face masks because 1) Taal Volcano erupted, scattering ash all around; and 2) COVID. My first attempts were crude because I was just experimenting and I did everything by trial and error. I made the first batch of those for my girls and for him because they were my priority. My regret is that I wasn’t able to hem the seams properly so his masks are still fraying on the inside. I didn’t have pinking shears at that time and I still don’t have now (which reminds me to order from Lazada tonight). I was able to refine my masks only later and I wasn’t able to replace his masks before he dumped me. I only managed to make one improved mask, which I stuffed into his weekend bag the last time he was here at home.

The reason why I continued to sew masks and give away to friends is that it helps ease my anxiety. Imagine the huge burden I had at the height of the lockdown, I was trying to keep six people alive by my lonesome. I had nobody to share that responsibility. Yup, by my lonesome. Upon reflection–which is the only thing that I do whenever I sew because you know, the mind wanders when you sew–yes I carried the weight of the world at that time. I was the head of the household. It took so much gumption and nerves of steel not to freak out at that time. I had to have it together. People were getting depressed left and right; some even died by suicide because it was simply too much. But I could not afford to succumb to depression because I have had five people depending on me.

I am still sewing masks even though I shouldn’t because it encourages my mind to wander while I sew. So what I do is I watch Youtube videos like this below so my mind will not wander.

Because the whole point of making myself busy is to keep me from thinking about him and if I could, I would just want to erase him out of existence.

Now, you may think I’m an 80-year-old granny in a 41-year old body because I’m just sewing myself out of existence. To get myself out of my head, I ride my bike whenever I could. One of my girls asked for a bike and gave me her savings from Christmas presents she received so she can have her own bike. I bought my reporter-friend’s folding bike, which he was contemplating on selling to his TV crew (who in turn refurbish bikes to resell) because he is now very busy with a toddler son and an infant daughter and has no time to ride.

My 20″ wheel folding bike and my daughter’s 16″ wheel folding bike. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

We rode last Sunday together in UP. I had to have training wheels attached to hers because I wasn’t able to teach her properly how to ride a bike. By the looks of it, it will take us a while before I could have the trainers removed.

Hopefully by next month we can have our first dive in six months. I need to book a resort, buy new flippers for the three of us, and have my COVID test. (Ugh! The endless poking on my nostrils!)

So yeah, I’ve been a kickass journo and editor today and will be tomorrow, and the next day, and the following day.

Because I am no one else’s sugar mommy anymore.

(*Oohh yes, the bitterness and anger are dripping from that sentence above. It won’t go away anytime soon*)