So my meeting with that potential source from SG was a dud and he dragged me all the way from QC to Makati for nothing. He didn’t even offer to pay for my coffee. 😑

Anyway, good thing is that this meeting was not the reason why I drove to Makati all the way from QC. I met with some VVIP: My very good friends from the industry.

We all started as public finance and macroeconomy reporters at the same time, attending Treasury bills/bond auctions at the Palacio del Gobernador 17 years ago and writing about public debt.

It’s so lovely to see them again, talking with them about everything under the sun.

Our friend, MR, who left the industry a few years ago and is now a bureaucrat, told me to stay where I am because she also felt the same two years ago… It’s a season we all go through. She also told me that the chillax life I have cannot be quantified and cannot be matched by any salary increase, especially that I’m a solo parent.

The other friend whom I talked to yesterday whose company had an opening that I applied for (also yesterday) is ready to quit her current job because she’s already so tired and wants to have a change of pace. She’s already thinking of retiring from the industry. She has kids and a husband and she wants to pursue more things other than chasing stories all the time. Well, that’s already a red flag to me. 🚩🤣

My other friend, my fairy gay mother, said he couldn’t imagine a job in our industry that allows someone (me) to attend to a house construction and be at the site on a weekday and still come out unscathed. He said he even couldn’t imagine how I could work by the beach and live to tell the tale.

So it’s a matter of familiarity begets contempt. Because I’ve been here for quite a while, it’s understandable that I want to explore what’s out there. It’s the fear of missing out a.k.a FOMO. I also see small things as annoying that they nag at me day and night. Because these annoying things dance around in my brain, I’m mistaking them as fatal flaws that are pushing me over the edge.

It’s like being in a long-term relationship. You suddenly get annoyed by little things that you nitpick. They sudden become bigger than life that you think they are making your life miserable. But because you tend to focus on these little things that you think are a big deal, you forget about the good things that have made you stay in the first place. It’s only when you’re gone that you realize that things aren’t that bad after all and the good things that have kept you in that relationship cannot be found anywhere else. But you can no longer go back—that’s the tragedy and you just have to live with that for the rest of your life.

It’s a matter of appreciating what you have but you forget to do so because you always think the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

So I have to search deep within my heart, what do I really want? Why am I itching to get out? Because I am inconvenienced now? Because I’m challenged now? Because of the changes that happened? Because of money jealousy like who’s paid more than me for less effort?

As our former APAC head (after her jump to PR) told my colleague in Tokyo: Stay. Things aren’t that bad.

So I will keep an open mind when I get interviewed for the position I applied for. Maybe once I realize that things aren’t really that better on the other side of the fence once I get to talk to them, maybe I would have a better appreciation of what I have now.

So I got to talk to this guy who was trying to poach me. It’s not an attractive proposition because he clearly doesn’t know what he’s doing but of course I’m not gonna teach him. That’s why he wants to poach me because he doesn’t know what he’s doing 🤣.

I just want leverage.

I know he cannot afford me since he said he will come back with the numbers for the renumeration.

So I asked my cousin, who is an HR manager in an MNC, how do I use this for a pay raise? She said, it’s going to be tough to ask for a raise using this leverage without risking my current status since “you just want a raise but will not leave yet. Like what if they call your bluff?” But I said, this is not the company that I would sacrifice my current position for and this is a step lower. I don’t want to leave just because I’m pissed with the higher ups. If I would leave or even make a bluff, might as well it is for a better company and position.

So my cousin, with her recruiter account on LinkedIn, found me very good job openings that are not local but have potential to be remote/in Manila.

I just need to sit down and fill out the forms…probably later when I meet a potential source today in Makati. He has been bugging me since August last year and now he’s in the country, he asked for a meeting. Might as well listen to what he has to offer me and what can I do for him.

Anyway, I am scared of what I am going to do. What if I get into a worse situation just because I’m pissed at management and my emotions got the better of me?

So I talked to my friend who works for this news agency that posted that job ad that I thought I am qualified for. She says it’s a totally different world from what she does. While it’s still the usual up-to-speed kind of journalism, it has a new kind of demand that is taxing to the body and brain cells. She says it requires the editor at times to hop on the plane in the morning to see the Chinese vessels shooting at Philippine coast guards in Palawan then jump into a panel discussion about interest rate differentials while producing more in-depth 1,000-3,000-word articles. It’s a new challenge but it requires a new kind of adrenaline rush.

I asked her, at this age, can we still do it? Can we still continue with this high-stress, fast-paced kind of news reporting when we’re raising kids while our bodies are already screaming for rest on weekends.

“I KNOW, RIGHT?! I’m in that kind of situation now,” my friend KL said.

We will be having drinks in Makati tomorrow to discuss these mid-life questions.

This is me in a nutshell, described in an Instagram reel:

And my kids are the driving force for my healing.

They made my day better.

I was getting overwhelmed today by the sheer amount of work I must finish and by the conflicting emotions I have regarding my company and applying for other jobs. As my bestfriend said, I have to really dig deep to know what I really want.

So all these things just paralyzed me. Good thing my meeting was cancelled today and was moved to tomorrow. Because I was like this most of the day:

Did manage to push out one story today. I must really, really solve this personal crisis before my performance at work suffers, whether I like my company or not.

I had drinks with my industry friend, L, at Uva Wine Bar last Saturday night. She dropped by my apartment first to see my girls and off we went for non-stop gabfest over three cheese pizza and craft beer.

At one point, our conversation drifted to our common friend M and we talked about her conversation with him about his rich parents. His parents had been separated for a long time but never got around to having an annulment because his dad didn’t want to sign the papers, thinking that the mom was just playing hard-to-get. The mom told the ex-husband, OK I will get back together with you but you have to turn over all your assets to me. Of course the dad didn’t so that’s the end of that. Clever mom.

I remember M telling me that I remind him of his mom, since we’re both strong women who single-handedly raised the children while living a fruitful life on our own. She’s the mom who would just fly to Switzerland because she wanted to hike. Or she would travel with friends or just do a solo travel because she can. She didn’t find it necessary to have a partner just because she’s not afraid of being alone.

But his dad was a different creature. He was the one who had infidelity issues (got caught cheating by his own son/M’s brother) and never seemed to have grown up. He had a long-time socialite gf but never committed to marriage until she left him. Now the dad asked M to figure out a way so that the dad and his mom will get back together. The dad told M that his mom might still be in-love with him because she never had another partner or remarried. But of course M knows it’s the farthest from the truth since he knows that his mom is done with crap and enough is enough for her. He knows that mom is happy with her life.

L told M, nhooooooo, your dad is so wrong! That’s not the way how we think! Just because women have not embarked on another relationship after a breakup does not mean we are still pining after the ex. It’s just that we are 1) enjoying our freedom; 2) do not need to have a partner to be fulfilled; 3) taking our time so that we won’t be picking another asshole. Well, this is true in general, especially for strong independent women, but of course not for all.

M told L, yeah right, my dad is such as narc. He is just afraid of growing old alone that’s why he’s being like this about my mom, M said.

L and I then talked about how men and women think differently. Men who have become divorced or widowed are 90% likely to have another partner because they cannot live alone; somebody else always has to take care of them. Women, on the other hand, can stay single, especially if they have the capacity to earn, when they get widowed or divorced. This is anecdotal on my and L’s part but maybe I’ll search for the empirical data on this later.

I wonder if my exes think that I’m still in love with them (if they still bother to know/research) because I still don’t have a partner years after breaking up, especially since I was the one who was the aggrieved party. 😂 I haven’t thought about that until this conversation with L.

That’s so narcissistic! And M (during a separate session with him at Uva before) agreed that male narcs think that their exes still pine after them and are very into the thought that they might still occupy a huge real estate on their exes’ minds. Of course, he is speaking as a son of a narc and as a guy.

L and I laughed at this because it was so silly. I told L that, yeah, I still write about exes but it’s more of a garbage in, garbage out kind of thing. Sort of like a regular purging then I go on with the daily grind. Besides, I’m allowed to write about it because the trauma is still there. I may still be angry but it’s no longer a central theme. I told L that yeah, there was a time I entertained the thought of allowing some guys enter my protective wall, tried chatting, but it was like—it didn’t feel right. One guy was particularly attentive but I didn’t show any interest. He once remarked that he didn’t believe in dating apps because it’s better to meet people during personal encounters, “just like this.” I could have taken the hint, I could have made a move to show I was interested to take this casual meeting to another level. I could have followed up, like hey I’m in town, maybe we could grab a drink with so and so, but I told myself, nah, I wouldn’t want to exert that kind of effort. The most that we did was we connected on FB and IG after we met. If he likes me enough, he would do more. We’re just content looking at each other’s IG Stories. Hahahahaha! That’s the thing with IG, you see who looks at your Stories.

I figured I am happy with this freedom that I have and that I no longer have to consider somebody else in every action or decision I make. I get lonely at times because I had a hard day or I was low on serotonin (and I have a history of sinking into episodes when trauma response is activated) but that is not enough for me to seek a partner or worse, try to get back together with the two recent exes.

Like M’s mom, I said enough is enough.

L said that she has learned that she also feels the same way and that she became comfortable with her single-blessedness. And research shows that single women are the happiest sub-group of people.

And just like M’s mom, I will go to Switzerland to hike if I feel like it. Because I can.