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A post shared by Yuliya Podlinnova | Watercolor Courses & Tutorials (@whiteheartdesign)

I miss drawing. I’m a crappy watercolorist, a so-so pencil/charcoal pretender artist, and I need to practice some more. Only I can’t. I’m inundated with work 😥 The only creative thing I did today was writing over 1,000 words about private jets and MROs.

I need to do something with my hands soon or else I will go nuts. I envy my kids, they’re able to keep their hands busy with creative stuff. Twin I was able to finish her vest, while Twin A has finished a hand warmer (which serves no purpose in this 37-degree heat) and has now moved on to making a beanie.

Next week is Holy Week and I don’t plan to go anywhere after our staycation in a hotel somewhere in Ortigas. Maybe then I will be able to finish a book and do some drawings. Attend church service online. Metro Manila will be flushing out humanity starting Wednesday and good luck to all motorists out there. The provincial roads and airports will be in chaos.

It will be too hot to watch the usual senakulo (the passion of the Christ) in Intramuros or anywhere for that matter.

Wait, what did we do last year? Ah good thing about blogging is that I get to review what I did or where I was last year or two years ago. So last year we were here at the apartment just chilling, we watched the procession of the saints in UP campus, and walked around for exercise.

I want to watch a sunset by the seaside. 😢 One of my sources in Singapore told me he will be in Palawan next month for a wedding. I told him I envy him because I really wanted to go back there but I’m too busy. He said, “I learned that the world will not end if I take a holiday. So go take that vacation.” Well he just came back from Spain this week. Ah to be earning well and have a well-off family, too. 🙃

Anyway, tomorrow I will be driving to my house because Converge will be installing my broadband connection and I need to make sure the box and the modem will be placed correctly. I want my pc and my kids’ pc towers to use ethernet cables to maximize the 500 Mbps that I availed. I was able to wire this apartment with ethernet cables and run two routers so I will do the same for my tiny house.

Oh dear, I need to arrive there by 8 am because I have a presentation to the commercial team at 9 am. And at 6 pm I have an event in Makati. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I need to bring extra clothes because I will be coming from a construction site and I will be climbing ladders.

Nope, this is not a constellation. It’s the result of a diagnostic test on my cellphone, which has ghosting issues. The screen is doing its own thing, clicking on things that shouldn’t be clicked but unresponsive in places where it should be.

I did a factory reset of my phone, which made things worse because this resulted in me being locked out of my company apps and authenticator app because they thought I was logging in multiple times. I almost went out of my mind because I couldn’t access my banking apps.

I immediately went to OPPO service center in SM North Annex first thing in the morning yesterday. They replaced my defective touch screen panel for free as it was still under warranty plus it was a factory defect. IN JUST ONE HOUR. 😭 I was so relieved. I was bracing for 2 weeks without a large capacity phone.

In between editing, I was trying to recover my apps and login credentials. I’m still not done. 🫠

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If you can get your point across in an email, no need to have a call and waste time. 🤬

There’s this editor who lost all his reporters because he’s such a…the worst manager you can ever have. He’s a narcissist, micromanager, and really bad person in every aspect. Now he messaged me and wants to have a “chat” when whatever needs to be said can be told in an email. He said, no, because your reporters need to be told how to use this list of leads…

I told him that following up of leads is part of our workflow and once they know about the list (that he has been pushing down our throats)–which I did inform them about it two weeks ago–they will use it however they can. No need to micromanage them regarding that. They are not kids anymore and they’re intelligent enough. It’s not more than 15 mins, right? Then you can get the point across via email; we need to be efficient with the use of our time, I said.

This is one of the reasons why my team does not harbor ill-feelings towards me because I do not micromanage them and I give them credit, be it a good performance or understanding them how they work—which is to say we all have different styles. I play off their strengths and weaknesses with each other. I fight for their rights and benefits. And I never ever humiliated them—which this editor has been doing. I poached two of his reporters and one assistant to keep them within the company because all three where already interviewing with other companies so they can escape him. I absorbed one reporter into my team while I helped facilitate the transfer of the other one to another team. As for the assistant, I helped him to become a reporter in another team.

I do not have a high turnover rate, unlike this editor (and he has no reporter left for a year now). I had just one reporter resign (my friend) and I learned (from another colleague) that she really didn’t want to leave but she had to because of salary issues and promotion–which I had fought very hard for the moment I took over the team. When my bosses made the counter-offer, I was told she thought hard about it but in the end she had to turn them down because the other company already secured her SG employment pass.

Anyway, this editor is flexing his–whatever he imagines he has—thinking he can micromanage my team through me. Nope, over my dead body. Or if he’s pulling rank, I can gently remind him that in the grand scheme of things, he is not higher than me. I needed to put my foot down. There are so many things on my plate and his intention to dominate over reporters should be nipped in the bud.

I’m a bitch if I need to be.

They were selling frozen strawberries at Save More today so I bought a bag. I was hankering for milkshakes so this is what I came up with.

Condensed milk, full cream milk, ice cubes, and frozen strawberries. That’s it. Refreshing. 😘

This heat makes me want to go to the seaside and dive. But I can’t in the next two months because I’m too busy with work and with moving houses. Going to Plunge Dive in Pasig can’t satisfy my desire to dive in a natural environment. I even had a dream of diving in Caliraya Lake…my desperation manifested itself in my dream. And I didn’t care that the lake was murky. When I woke up, I was scratching my head and laughed at my insanity.

As part of my “love thyself” therapy, I had been using scents in my room to make me feel cozy and happy. I ran out of lovely-smelling oils and water-based scents for my humidifier so I shifted to candles. When I was solo in my 20s, I surrounded myself with scented candles. It was the few affordable luxuries I could have at that time. But then I had partners so I had to ditch those because they don’t like scents. Or the scents that I choose. I had to prioritize their preference over mine. Always had to consider their needs over mine, their wants over mine.

In the process, I lost myself. What I like. What I am.

But now, to hell with it! I’m doing what pleases me. No need to consider anyone else.

So this is what annoys me last Thursday with my colleague. It was like he was playing matchmaker with me and his friend. I outright told him that, “JC, you’re out of line. You know my situation and what I’ve been through so cut that out. I like what I am right now.”

He backtracked and said, no no no, I have no intention blah blah blah. “If something happens, great. If it doesn’t then it’s just a night out with my favorite people.” Good thing I had my SIL with me so I had an excuse to leave early.

So yesterday, JC and I were talking about his plan to buy a flat in Makati that was repossesed by BDO so he could rent it out either long-term or for AirBnb. He kept interjecting the name of his friend into the conversation and I kept on bringing back the convo to that original subject matter. I’m so annoyed. I stopped talking to JC and kept quiet until he leaves for HK tomorrow. He’s such an idiot.

I just agreed to go out in Poblacion because when I’m in HK, he and G treat me to lunch or a night out at Junel’s. But I don’t think I will do a repeat of this. I don’t want my space be invaded.

I realized that I hate it when people do that to me. My fairy gaymother always pesters me about dating and sleeping with other people. Like hell no.

At times I’m lonely but I value this freedom more than the need to be less lonely. I like this freedom to put my needs and wants first before anything else. To choose things I prefer, not because it’s what my partner likes. I finally have a voice.

It was really exhausting having a partner. Catering to his needs, wants, and caprices. Bearing his burden, his problems, his irritations. It was never about me, what I liked, what I needed, what I desired. It took quite a while before I found myself again. To have time for myself and to listen deep inside to follow what I love.

So no, thank you. If I become a witch with a dozen cats, then so be it. Until I meet somebody who will love and respect me for what I am and not for what I can give, recognize my wants and needs and that I am not a human appliance, then I will stay as what I am now. Because I finally found myself again and I will not lose her for the sake of a partner and be dragged around again.

I just wish other people would leave me be. I’m fine. If I want to, I will. I will even have a red neon sign on my forehead that says “I am single, ready to mingle.” But no.

Go away.

So in the meantime, I will be busy doing homey things because those are ME. The things that I like. I don’t have to pretend that I’m a girl about town. I don’t want and never have wanted to hang out at Poblacion–it’s not even my kind of crowd 😑. I’m done with that kind of night out. We can talk about anything under the sun, from black swan events to Brendan Fraser factoids over coffee or craft beer. But I’ll never pretend what I never was and never will be.

And right off the bat, somebody will have to accept and love the things I love the most so that I don’t have to choose. I will not add nor I will not shave off any part of me to accommodate another person. And if and when it comes down to that, I will always have to choose me and my sanity. The fact that I had to choose means that person doesn’t accept me, my loved ones, and in short—doesn’t love me.

So go away.

After a rough day yesterday, recovering from a hangover while editing back-to-back, my body was able to bounce back quickly with good sleep. I love my bed. ❤️

Because of that, I was able to cook breakfast for my brood: Katsu curry rice and Japanese curry omelette rice bowl for me.

After cleaning up, I retreated to my dimly lit, airconditioned room to escape the oppressive heat. Summer is really upon us. And it’s just March. 🫠And I melted. I woke up at almost 3 pm to spend money 😂

My best friend’s mom gave me a housewarming gift, which I will use to buy a loveseat from Ikea. My kids and I piled up in my car and to eat xiao long bao and go furniture shopping.

My kids finally agreed on the model we will get after testing some couches/arm chairs. We couldn’t buy it yet because it won’t fit in the car and we don’t have anywhere to put it yet. I think I’ll have it delivered next month after I come back from Singapore.

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If there’s one defining song that represents R.E.M. for me, it’s this song, Everybody Hurts. Whenever I get so beat up by life, I go and listen to this song.

It’s just like Michael Stipe is comforting me, telling me that it’s going to be ok even if it’s not right now. It’s like, it’s all right to cry.

Like yesterday. I was feeling so blue for some reason or another and I really, really needed to sing to shake off the sadness that was overcoming me. Then I remembered R.E.M. and this song.

Everybody cries.

Sometimes everything is wrong.

I’m at Poblacion, Makati. I’m so wrecked.

What did they even put into those pitchers?!

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I woke up to this, my head spinning. My sis in law recorded my snoring. I don’t remember taking a shower before crashing into bed but SIL said I did.

I was so hammered that I showered while blacking out???

Well, my HK colleague and I started eating appetizers at 6 pm but I wasn’t drinking that much. Some friends of my colleague arrived and my SIL followed. That’s probably when the sports bar decided to spike our drinks with higher alcohol content so my colleague would shut up and go home. He was already loud and offensive to the other people at the nearby table.

But they decided to jump to a nearby KTV bar. SIL and I excused ourselves, saying I still have edits the following day (today), which is true. It was only when SIL and I arrived at our hotel when the alcohol hit me.

At least I managed to be clean before I lost consciousness.

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Anyway, one of the errands I did yesterday was to get the requirements for enrollment in my kids’ junior high. Unfortunately, they didn’t qualify for the second screening at my high school. My school’s criteria during the pandemic years may be weird because even some of those who got past the Philippine Science High School first screening also didn’t get in. I think they based it on household income and whether the applicants are UP employee dependents (everyone knows there is preference for them as part of the fringe benefits of working for the university).

During my time, our equalizer was just the entrance exam. But since mass testing/exams were prohibited until 2023, my high school’s screening method was based on grades and family background (I think). If you’re from a lower income family and have come from a public school with high grades, your chances are higher. The online schooling also hurt our chances because some schools have relaxed their grading standards to accommodate the kids who have difficulties with online school. Some schools even implemented a “no failure” rule. My kids’ school didn’t implement that so my girls didn’t get 100 in their subjects but their general averages are above 90. The grades were based on merit and what is just fair.

This also pissed my bro because his youngest son also didn’t get past first screening, which was weird because he is an honor student and a dependent of a UP faculty.

So anyway, I will enroll my kids in this school that has a track record of producing UP passers. They also have good extra curricular and sports programs. I may be forking out more for tuition (versus zero tuition in my high school and my kids’ current school) but it’s ok. My kids vowed that they would study hard in junior and senior high to make up for not passing my high school’s screening.

Ever since they started to mature physically, their attitudes have also changed. They have become more responsible and they are now my regular dishwashers and they do their own laundry. They also fold and put away our clean laundry do other chores like cat litter cleaning daily. They’re always proud to report to me that they topped their exams in major subjects, their projects, etc. They do their own reviewers and study on their own without me having to coax them. Their averages are 95. They do their Kumon exercises regularly, without me having to nag them.

I’m blessed with good kids. I still cannot forgive myself for choosing an asshole partner over them.

I believe what I’m doing is the best for my kids. And they’re going to have a chance to grow up in a cleaner and more relaxed environment like this:

My contractor sent me photos of the loft beds that I’m having custom made in a workshop somewhere in my hometown.

The woman who inspired me to be a frontwoman of a band. 😂 The woman who wrote the soundtrack of my life, especially the very angry and apt You Ought To Know (which I loved singing these past 2.5 years).

I will be watching. I had asked my bestfriend to come with me but she said, pass, since she spent too much already on Kpop concerts. Still about to ask some friends who equally loved Alanis in the 1990s.

If I can’t rope somebody to come with me, who cares? I will watch alone as I did in 1997 when GooGoo Dolls came. ❤️

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For posterity’s sake, I’m posting this photo of my bed, to remind me how cozy it is. I would soon have to dismantle this. Everything.

Got a long drive tomorrow to my hometown to issue another check to my contractor and then do some errands (internet connection, blah blah), be interviewed by a group of students for their project (for a course that I didn’t take in college), lunch with bestfriend, then drive back to Makati to have drinks with colleagues from our HK office. Because I knew I will be exhausted by the end of it all, I booked an overnight stay in one of the hotels within the vicinity where we’re supposed to have dinner and drinks. I think my sis in law will hitch a ride with me and stay at the hotel since she’s attending this event at Rustan’s Makati.

Good thing I got one story published today. Less pressure for me in terms of story production but I still have to edit stuff in between all these things. I wonder how, with my full schedule of non-work related things. 😬