Just like the other major diving spots in this country, Balicasag island didn’t escape the massive coral bleaching of the past 4 years. The entire coral ridge is dead. Dead. Deader than dead. No more fish. It’s grey. It’s a graveyard.

I want to cry. Climate change is killing everything.

We skipped the dolphin watching thing because it was such a waste of time, plus it was already late. The sun was already beating down on us when we left the resort.

It was a very rushed affair compared to our trip in 2003 and in 2019. This time, there’s a queue for boatmen and it’s strictly 1 hr: 30 mins for sea turtle swimming and coral snorkeling/diving. Can’t extend because there is still a long queue of tourists waiting for their turn to be ferried by our boatmen.

Compared to 5 years ago, swimming with the turtles now is super chaotic because you bump into so many boats. Same with the coral snorkeling.

Over-tourism is ugly.

Climate change is uglier.

I no longer know how to express this grief. It hurts so much. A scuba diving friend reacted to my Instagram post about the coral bleaching. She said the same thing is happening to Danjugan Island marine sanctuary in Negros Occidental, the coral bleaching has become a problem and the pawikan are getting sick and dying.

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I wasn’t able to practice diving deeper because I was assisting my 74-year-old mom. I was tugging my diving buoy that she was holding on to while she snorkled. The waves were strong since it was high tide, so she was constantly being swept away to the open sea. I had to fight back and keep her in place.

I guess I need to go back to Anilao to do my thing before we go to Coron, Palawan…

But then, I don’t think things are better there. Even the Great Barrier Reef in Australia is dead. My sister did scuba diving there and she said the house reef in Eaglepoint Resort in Anilao was much better than that. That’s how bad the coral bleaching there is.

My heart is breaking.

As Joey Ayala sang:

Karaniwang tao, saan ka tatakbo

Kapag nawasak iisang mundo?

I’ve almost forgotten how chaotic domestic flights are, especially with Cebu Pacific. I haven’t taken CEB in five years purposely but this time I didn’t have a choice since I’m not alone and I needed to book for 8 people.

I’ve also forgotten how small the seats are and that these do not recline.

Good thing I had enough sleep (3 hrs) so I’m not as grumpy as normal, which is my default mood during early morning flights.

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Low pressure areas/typhoons do follow me anywhere these days. Tomorrow’s dive in Balicasag is still pending; let’s see how the winds are tomorrow. Otherwise I will just bring my brood to tour Bohol.

I lugged our fins around and bought a special bag for my long fins just for this trip. Ah, the commitment to a hobby…

My manager is dampening my mood today. She’s giving me anxiety again. She’s making me feel like everything is my fault. 😣

I think I did ok with yesterday’s one-hour interview. There were four of them and all questions were situational, things that a non-news editor-journo cannot answer well. It was a test of judgment call, whether it was correct or not, depending on the needs and situation. It was also a test whether I would be fit for the role.

I realized during the conversation with them that I wouldn’t have a life. I would be tied to the desk for at least 8 hrs, almost no meal breaks because the job is time-sensitive news. Every second counts. The shift would start at 6 am. 🤦🏻‍♀️The thing is I am definitely not a morning person. It will really be a struggle for me.

Anyway, the next is the three-hour editing test. I need to block time for that because it’s going to be an intense editing session, methinks. If I bungle this, it’s ok. At least I tried. I hate editing under so much pressure so I will just let go and let this be a learning experience.

Again, I would be giving up so much freedom in exchange for the chance to get away from my manager. So it won’t be that bad if I don’t get this; I still have a job albeit I would have to contend with my manager. The only ways I can stay out of her reach is by 1) asking for a demotion; 2) complain to her manager so that I would be moved to another manager, which would create so much crisis in the newsdesks of APAC; and 3) find another job and resign. I took the easiest route (3) but it’s the riskiest of them all.

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Doing errands before we leave for the airport at 2 am because our flight to Panglao is at 5:20 am. Considering that this is Terminal 3, all fuck-ups can happen like long snaking lines.

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I was doing fine last week until this afternoon. I had my story edited and then—boom! My manager went picking on me again. The editor who was the primary editor, didn’t see what the fuss was all about. Then my manager emailed me and pressed me for things that are impossible. I told her if that’s so critical, then I’m dropping the story. We’ll just wait for the company announcement because there was no way I could extract information anymore, even called Hong Kong to get what I needed. There were legal implications that’s why it’s impossible at this point and she couldn’t see that.

She realized I was serious about dropping the story.

She did pull back a bit. But I’m too pissed off to even bother pushing the story out.

I have been pushing back recently. I’m tired of her bullshit.

I told my co-author that I wanted to quit. I was fine with my job but my manager is really the one pushing me out. I would have stayed for a bit longer but with her as my manager? I don’t think so.

I hate her.

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My anger mixed with anxiety is killing my productivity today. I don’t want to jump into another job just because I’m being emotional. I want to be rational when making big decisions like this. I want logic to dictate all my moves and not because I just want to get away from a person I have come to hate.

My girls are with their dad now at the airport. They will be joining their cousins and aunts and uncle in Boracay later today and will be there until Tuesday.

Until then, I will be solo living. I don’t have to wake up early to cook. Or bother to cook for the entire day. Whopeee!

I was told my panel interview will be on Wednesday and my friend will one of the interviewers. 🤣 So fairgaymother K asked me if I would be all business with our friend KL or I would be familiar with her. I said, nahhh, I would be professional. I told him that I honestly am not too hot about the job. If the compensation isn’t above 50% my current rate, it would suck given that I would be exchanging so much freedom for more work and more stress.

If only my manager isn’t my current manager and the threat of changing our contracts doesn’t hang over our heads like Damocles’ sword, I would have stayed on for a little bit. But then, I’m already fed up with the parent company—or maybe it’s the 10-year itch (instead of 7-year) that is making me antsy. 🤔

Ah well. I don’t know. Let’s see where this leads me. It doesn’t hurt to know how much I am undervalued now against market rates since I have stayed in one place for a decade. As my ex-colleague friend said, it’s good to have this exercise every once in a while.

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My cats invading my human twins’ room. I’ve drawn the curtains so they can look out the window. I’ve opened the main door this morning but Kimchi wasn’t interested in going out and would rather be by the window.

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At first when I read it on Twitter (now X, with a revolting tweet from Elon Musk), the first thing that went through my mind was this was scripted.

Then FBI killed the shooter.

Oh, so this is real…But I don’t know, the shooter is a registered Republican. A man can be desperate enough to do stupid things to put food on the table and be a sacrificial lamb for something as bizarre as this.

Trump will have a landslide win in November by the looks of it. This incident paints the Democrats as villains and Trump a hero.

This is what you get when you have an incumbent who refuses to acknowledge that he is not effective and he is not what the people wanted. Obama and Pelosi already talked to him; Democrats are calling for him to step down and make way for somebody else to be the frontrunner of the party. But nope, Sleepy Joe is as stubborn as a mule.

With this assassination attempt, the presidency is now delivered hot to Trump. Good luck, America, with your Project 2025.

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Those piles are my to-be-read books. I finished some of them but I still couldn’t pick another one because I’m overwhelmed by the options how I can spend my free time. I was contemplating on doing watercolors but the creative burst isn’t there. I couldn’t stay up late because I need to go the clinic for a check up and see the result of the biopsy of my forehead tumor early tomorrow morning.

For now I am just soundtripping on the new playlist I made on Spotify. It’s chill-electronica-pop that I will binge on the plane to and from Panglao. I must make a playlist as well for beach chilling. We will be flying at 5:30 am on Friday and will be back at 8 pm on Monday. Just a quick trip, to reacharge.

This is a beautiful prayer, which came from a notebook of Martika’s writings. Prince re-worked the words, which reflected his spirituality. He always believed that he was very blessed and this song encapsulates his feelings about God in a form of a prayer.

I first heard (or rather paid attention to) this song in elementary when I was over at a friend’s house and being tutored by my friend’s brother who was a math major. I had since associated this song with Terminator 2 because this tune was wafting in the background while my friend’s TV screen was playing the Terminator 2 trailer. Or perhaps it was the entire movie on VHS? 🤔 It can’t be because in those days it takes a while before a movie goes into VHS…

Anyway, this song stuck with me since then. I always thought this was beautiful and the artists (Martika and Prince) didn’t mask it; it was a praise song without being labeled as such. It went to become a Billboard chart topper in 1991, proving that a pop spiritual song can be enjoyed by everyone, not just by the religious.

I don’t know how this song popped into my consciousness this morning while I was driving Twin A to school for her volleyball training.

Maybe because it was a lovely morning, with sunlight being filtered through trees that lined up the road leading to my children’s school. This has pushed my brain dig up the words in Love The Will Be Done. Maybe my soul wanted to give thanks for this beautiful morning and everything I have.

Love, thy will be done
Since I have found you my life has just begun
And I see all of your creations as one
Perfect complex
No one less beautiful
Or more special than the next
We are all blessed and so wise to accept

Love thy will be done

And it just struck me that, yeah, I feel complete. There is no longer a gaping hole that I needed to fill. I don’t need to chase love to fill that void. I don’t have to run.

Love, thy will be mine
And make me strive for the glorious and divine
I could not be more, more satisfied
(Satisfied)
Even when there’s no peace outside my window
There’s peace inside
And that’s why I no longer run
(I don’t know)
Love, thy will be done

And tears started running down my cheeks with this realization. It was so overwhelming that I started singing. Yes, I’m at peace. This is the reason why I haven’t searched for another partner or do anything that would lead me in that direction. It isn’t bitterness that led me to celibacy. It is not fear. It is not rejection of love but rather it is because of love. Love for myself, for everything that God wants for me.

And this connects with what I also told fairy gaymother K at almost 1 am today. I sent him this this song by Cynthia Alexander and said, this is me these days. This song sums me up.

I walk down the road
I look up at the sky
Now I know why
Reasoning has conquered me
I can’t and won’t deny the fact
My heart beats a special drum
Only for you
But I’m glad to be on my own
I have never been this free
From all suspicion and the pain
Grown year upon year

I had to go through hell and back to achieve peace.

Walking in the rain then seemed beyond conception
But I’ve never been so alive
So much in love with life
And from the grey, grey sky
Fell the tear of all tears

Anger and hatred would only go away once the void is filled with love. Not romantic love from another person—that’s conditional and fallible—but rather it’s love for life itself. You know that I could’ve retaliated and hurt back those who hurt me. To seek chaos and damage to those who sent me to hell. But you know what? I didn’t. I walked away from it all and decided that the best revenge is to live life the best I could and be truly happy.

And the tears that rolled down my cheeks this morning were tears of happiness. Singing Love Thy Will Be Done is my thanksgiving.

Love, thy will be done
Thy will love be done
Love, thy will be done
I can no longer hide
I can no longer run
(No, no, no)
Love, thy will be done
Thy will love be done
Thy will love be done
Thy will love be done