This is the gouache version of Wawa, Angono, Rizal photo I took during lockdown days in 2020. The view was beautiful and yet I was so lonely. I knew at that time things were falling apart. The only comfort I had while I was soaking in this view was this song, Because by Aoi Teshima, playing in my Audio-technica headphones. At that time I was already just a chauffeur.

Because

someday, look back on a young day
we shared, we learned
we had we lost

because… you know
tomorrow had another plan
because we lose
the future is all we have left

one pain one hope
too far so close
we laugh, we cry
we live, we grow

because…because… we know
the future is all we have left

one day somewhere
hold on somewhere
we stand, we leap
we fall, we go

because… you know
tomorrow plays another hand
because we lose
the future is all we have left

oh, we have someday
oh, surely someday
oh, surely someday
surely someday

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We had a veterinarian do a home visit yesterday early evening so my nephew’s cat can be neutered and our stray mommy cat, Ampon, can be spayed without so much fuss.

The vet was quick but very precise in her procedure. She is very adept at doing surgery on animals outdoors since her day job is being a vet to large animals—cattle to be precise. Spaying and neutering small animals are just her advocacy. She’s the go-to vet of the local volunteer group that takes care of stray animals in the university campus.

She showed me that she took out the uterus and ovaries so that the hormones that make female cats horny would be out too.

And no, I’m not squeamish. I would have been a vet, too, if I were not too in love with writing.

The vet told me Ampon’s uterus is long and weak—meaning she may already have been pregnant before. She also said her gums are pale so she needs supplements like Vit C. This is why her kittens have the sniffles, therefore they need supplements, too.

She prescribed me a topical dewormer/anti-parasitic medicine that covers all kinds of parasites that I need to apply on Ampon every month and to my own indoor cats every 3 months.

She said she started doing this service during the pandemic, when she felt lonely because her walks on the way home from the carabao center, where her day job is, was very isolating. She was already volunteering to neuter/spay her friends’ pets and stray animals and word spread about her work. Now most areas in and around the university are under her care, for minimal profit. Emergency treatment/surgery of strays are almost always pro bono.

I hope she doesn’t get tired of doing this because the cat population in our area really exploded.

I need to order that anti-parasitic med online…

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Kitties are fine after spending the night without their mama. I had Ampon locked up in a cat carrier overnight because she was just groggy. The vet said it’s better if she doesn’t nurse until the next morning or else the kittens would get sedated as well.

The kitties were just hissing and scratching at one another when I woke up at 5 am. I don’t know what happened. They were even hostile to their mama when I released her this morning. Ampon was just so patient with them and let their pent-up fury get spent. By noon, everything was well.

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This is what I imagine what it feels like to be on top of Mt. Pulag, which is now closed to the public due to the recent forest fires caused by irresponsible hikers/campers.

Again, violent colors.

I broke down today.

I operated on barely 3 hrs of sleep last night/today. I was being berated by my manager last night until 10 pm for some articles I edited last week. As the reporter concerned said, it was a matter of differences in the appreciation of the subject matter that’s why my boss kept on pushing her way other than how I understood the story and situation because I am the one entrenched in the market, not my boss.

I finished some edits at 5:30 am today. Then tried to catch some sleep. I couldn’t function, like I couldn’t write or send emails to ask for interviews.

When I was watching a video of The Corrs concert last year and everyone was singing “Runaway”, I just couldn’t help it but I just cried. I don’t know why. Maybe I lacked sleep. Maybe I just needed to release this anxiety and grief.

I am tired. I give up.

I don’t know how long I will be like this.

Meeting today was productive. I may be able to get one or two clients before June ends. By that time I can go freelance and by end of the year, supposedly I can quit my day job.

I would halve my income so I need to tighten my belt for a start until year-end. I need to start a three-month contract first. I’ll be meeting with clients after Holy Week since next week I’ll be in HK. Then the almost week-long Christian holiday. I’m meeting a prospective client in SG next month as well…take a break in May and by June I need to figure out if I can go freelance by then.

So help me, God. I will be jumping off a cliff with no safety net.

But the alternative—which is staying or status quo—is no longer sustainable. I can’t go on hating Mondays my entire working life.

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I think I just slept the day away as a way to cope. I don’t want tomorrow to come. I’ve come to dread Mondays—that’s how bad it has become.

Somewhere down the road, I will find myself again. I’m in a season of transition. I don’t know how I will find my path again but somehow I will. I just don’t know how long it will take me. For now I am hurting, I don’t know why.

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I have attempted to reinterpret one of the photos from NASA taken by the Hubble telescope.

But I ruined it in the end because I overdid the white smokey effect. I had to pivot.

I just did clouds instead. I need to practice how to make wispy smoke that is not only white. 🤔 I wonder if I should leave negative space to accommodate purple and pink.

Anyway, changing the painting to clouds is an exercise as well. I need to improve my clouds using gouache.

I have Sleep Token in the background while I pour out all my rage on to paper. This scene is reminiscent of my drives going east-southeast Luzon, with the Sierra Madre range closing in on me.

I want it to be a cross between this:

And this:

I need to sleep this off first. Rage rarely produces good paintings from me so I let it marinate first.

Having progressive metal playing in the background makes a lot of difference in my mood. I usually have lo-fi beats when I’m painting. I’m not sure if it’s helping.

Meanwhile, I tried to resurrect this from the dead.

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