I had been contemplating about having a skylight in my kitchen because my house is dark even in daytime. But that’s stupid because my house is just one year old and here I am, thinking of new construction works again.

I guess the band-aid solution is to order and have an accordion screen door installed on my front door so I can have it perpetually open and let in more light. It has been a year since and I kept putting it off for some reason…ah well, Twin A got sick so all my energy and resources went into her care.

Which brings me to my dilemma now. I have a huge chunk of cash just languishing in my bank accounts instead of growing in investment instruments. I am holding on to it because I am so afraid of being unprepared for medical emergencies. I’m insured (HMO + health insurance for critical illness) but my kids are not. My job doesn’t include such things so I pay for everything in cash. Now that it seems like our saga with Twin A’s GI TB is not yet concluded, I have to keep cash accessible all the time.

I’m afraid that we would have to do the biopsy and go through that whole rule out lymphoma thing. But our discharge orders indicated that GI TB, lymphoma unlikely… So I’m holding on to that.

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One time I jokingly said that my life can be divided into two parts: Life before watching Grave of the Fireflies and life after Grave of the Fireflies. It’s that earth-shattering for me. The worst part is, this movie is a true story of Akiyuki Nosaka.

This is a beautiful movie but I will never watch it again. It broke me. The only Studio Ghibli movie I will not watch again. I told friends that right after watching Oppenheimer, they should watch Grave of the Fireflies and see the polar opposites of the war.

Now that it’s available on Netflix, this movie teases me. Like it’s beckoning, “come on, you know you want to watch me.” But then, I’m in  an emotionally vulnerable position right now so it would be a huge mistake to try and watch this again.

I’ll just wait for The Boy and the Heron to pop in Netflix and have my Studio Ghibli binge later.

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Twin I brought some classmates to hang out in our house yesterday so they could do home work. Some of them remarked that our house, albeit small, is lovely because it was homey. One of them wanted to sleep over to experience that homey feel.

Twin I said that girl has an unhappy home life so she gravitates towards ours. I feel bad for her so I told my daughter to invite her friend one of these days for a sleepover. I want her to feel safe and secure in my home, just as my parents’ home was to some of our friends when we were growing up.

My younger sister’s friend, C, stayed for a month with us when we were in high school. Her mom was sent to a psychiatric hospital while her dad…I think he was living with a girl friend or affair partner, I can’t remember exactly now. She had a terrible home life. In between staying with her cousins, she stayed with us.

My brother also had a friend who stayed with us during Christmas holidays. He didn’t want to go home because he had a messy family life.

I will keep an open door policy for all children’s friends who need a warm home. I may be a solo parent but I have enough love to give that makes up for the absentee parent.

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After Typhoon Enteng/Yagi—which wreaked havoc here in the Philippines, China, Myanmar, Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, and Vietnam—we are now facing endless rains again due to intensified monsoon weather. The southwest monsoon rains are being sucked northeast by incoming low pressure areas developing in the Pacific. We are now facing two potential typhoons in the coming week/s.

How are we to manage next Saturday’s check up with our IDS, I don’t know. Hopefully, the rains will not be intense because I plan to arrive at PGH very early.

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They said this is the first step towards a healthy relationship with work–detachment from it. But how do I begin? How do I introduce myself to people when they ask? “Hi, I’m CallMeCreation and I’m a mother of twin girls.”

There are some shitty things at work that I just learned the past few days and I’m initially hurt and offended but later on I decided that I shouldn’t give any more fucks. That’s it, don’t give a rat’s ass. I shouldn’t be pressuring myself to outperform last year’s metrics anymore because I shouldn’t be chasing promotions and raises. If I want additional income, then it should come from another job or side hustle. That also should keep me sane.

I told Kr that I realized that when I told my colleague at my undergrad college in this university that I’m ready to start lecturing again, I was really just seeking an outlet to do things other than what I do with this company. Being locked up in the four corners of my room is damaging to my mental health since I just eat and breathe this company—that it’s all I think about. So when my boss makes me her punching bag, it feels like it’s all life has to offer me because my job just consumes my entire being, inside and outside of my home. I need to meet other people not connected to my job with this company. I need to touch grass again.

Kr said that’s true. That’s why even though the commute sucks, she was glad she has this side hustle of hers writing for TV because she gets to shed her identity and her life as a journalist for our company. She meets other people outside her main job. That she is able to get out of her condo and walk in the morning to take the MRT to the TV station. It’s her way to decongest her head. It’s like her meditation of some sort everyday.

Maybe I should take three units of teaching load next semester.

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Made the trip to PGH yesterday to get the official reading of Twin A’s MRI.

She still has prominent lymph nodes, it seemed to be at the back (retroperitoneal and right common iliac lymph nodes), which our IDS missed initially but the radiologist caught it.

I checked with the fellows how did the TB test go. It’s still positive even after a year of treatment. However one of the fellows said, it’s normal to register positive for TB quantiferon even if you completed your treatment.

Twin A’s last day of taking her medicines was yesterday. 🥺

I have yet to schedule our consult because all IDS are having a national conference today or this week. Besides, Twin A is now down with stomach flu—as much as I tried to isolate Twin I and myself from her, it can’t be helped. We’re using one bathroom and even if I scrubbed the bathroom frequently, she will still get it because this illness is very contagious. I can’t have Twin A’s bloodwork done when she’s like this.

I am not sure if our IDS would still have the biopsy of the lymph nodes or just continue the TB treatment since there was no thickening of any lining, nodules or omental caking going on.

I am exhausted.

I didn’t know what to do with myself yesterday because I felt betrayed. By whom? I don’t know. This TB is really aggressive and there’s this nagging fear that this variant might be drug-resistant.

I tried working while having my late lunch at the mall. Edited two stories and looked for ways to cheer myself up before driving back home. I bought some groceries and Bread Talk for the girls.

I still felt like a deflated balloon. My sis-in-law told me to have a Karada massage/treatment also in Robinsons and the therapists are good. So off to Karada I went.

It was expensive at PHP 2,300 for a 60-min treatment but it was all so worth it. I felt relief within an hour while my two-hr massage last week didn’t do anything. The tension on my lower back and spine was released.

It was a momentary lift to my mood.

Then I walked into a giant Christmas tree.

I don’t know why I feel sad whenever I see Christmas decor. Like, wait, stop the time—I’m not ready yet! I feel like time is flying by so fast and I haven’t done anything much in my life. I haven’t reached any goals. Here I am, still in a limbo regarding my daughter’s health. I haven’t gone back to my gynecologist to continue with my executive check up. I haven’t figured out what to do with my life yet.

It seems like I’m just hobbling along.

Kimchi’s foul odor has gotten worse so I brought her back to the vet. Then we were referred to the pet hospital. I was told by our first vet that symptoms indicate that Kimchi has impacted anal glands that needed to be expressed. However, in case it is not that, she may need the whole workup and it’s better to have that in a hospital.

After writing two stories, off I went to the pet hospital. Vet #2 confirmed it’s impacted anal glands, alright, and that may have already ruptured, hence, the smelly butt. It took three people to keep her down because this cat is feisty.

No need for workup, vet #2 cleaned Kimchi up and recommended a calming drug for a super anxious cat 30 mins or 1 hr before grooming appointment on Friday.

Until then, we need to keep Kimchi from licking her butt so it won’t get infected again.

What has caused all this?

Normal emptying of the sac is triggered by exercise and passage of stool out of the anus. Obese cats are more likely to struggle with delayed emptying of their anal sacs than cats with a healthy body condition score.

Overweight cats tend to exercise less, and thus have less natural emptying of the sacs. Additionally, their extra weight can compress the duct openings, making emptying more challenging.

If a cat does not have enough fiber in their diet they can also struggle with soft stools, which affects emptying.

There you go. Kimchi needs to exercise and needs to eat more grass. That’s why she loves munching on my basil plants and tarragon. Even though they’re obligate carnivores, cats still need veggies.

Now I need to schedule her grooming ASAP.

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I know what’s missing. I need to paint. I need something creative.

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Ooooh I hate early Monday morning coverages. I left my home at 6:45 am and arrived in Makati after 3 hrs. When I drive during non-rush hours, it usually takes me only 1.5 hrs or less than that to reach Makati CBD. But not today 🥲

I was so busy chasing people today that I was able to write three stories. It’s supposed to be four but my brain was already about to burst so I didn’t want to be a hero.

I didn’t bother with lunch because I needed to jump to a call right after the conference. My friend, L, and I met in one cafe in Greenbelt after she finished her own coverage in another hotel also in that area. For hours we didn’t talk much because we were finishing multiple stories. We finally got our bearings at around 6:30 pm and headed for dinner with my Manila reporter, Kr, who was out of commission today.

Kr had to leave early so it was only L and I who talked about what are we to do now that we couldn’t transition into another adjacent industry (PR)? Both of us, plus Kr, were hit with the same itch at the same time starting last year. The three of us tested the waters and it seems like Kr is far ahead of us doing something else other than her day job. L just got her side job, just to see if she can do something else besides journalism. In contrast, I never made it to the first stage. My client in HK ghosted me after I submitted my first draft. I didn’t bother going after them—proof that it’s not for me.

“What am I, if I cleave my identity from my profession? Who am I?” I asked L. “I have to find out soon. I have to find where my passion lies outside of this job.”

The key is to find something else to do that I don’t feel like it’s a chore. What is my bliss?

L is also asking the same questions. She said, who is she without the name of her paper that she carries all the time? She asked, would she be able to get the side gig if hypothetically she left her company and would only be identified as “L, former journalist at xxx”? She said she doesn’t know the answers. It must be something she has to think deeply about.

She and I know that in the meantime we are stable but eventually we have to leave this profession. We can’t be doing this until we retire. We’re already considered the seniors in our industry.

Where are we supposed to go?