Sunset and sunflowers. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
We were able to go biking inside UP this afternoon after four months! I missed being in wide open spaces. I even missed shopping in that vegetable stall at the old tennis court.
Veggies and fruits. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I can say they’re a lot cheaper than the stalls lining CP Garcia Ave. This sackful of veggies and fruits would have been PHP 1,000 there or at the supermarket but I was able to get these for PHP 200 less. And the volume is more than the usual.
Car-free. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I had let my daughter, Twin I, bike freely here. It has been a long time since she biked without having to worry about cars. I did some brisk walking. We tried biking to some parts of the campus but it was already dark.
Cat waiting for her two-legged sister to come back. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Last night I had been chatting with an ex-colleague for hours while we were holding a vigil for another ex-colleague who was about to expire.
Basically we waiting for the expected and praying for his eternal peace. He got severe Covid and while in the hospital, it was discovered he had terminal liver cancer. After he was off the tubes, he was allowed to go home for palliative care. Then we were told by his family that we can send him voice messages. I wrote about this a few days ago.
So last night this ex-colleague, A, and I were talking about him. We also talked about how we got so tired fighting for what we believed in, for what is right, which our sick friend and colleague, N, did all his life. He died last night while we were talking about him.
We all cared so much for an industry that did not love us back, that we were so passionate about our profession but we got burned so many times. There was so much corruption and abuse.
So it’s about time that we should start to live our lives, she said. Start preparing for retirement. She told me I was one of the few very good and clean journalists whom she wanted to stand out and do more great things but the system is so rotten that she understands why I turned my back on it. I told her I went to the extreme end; at least my niche is unapologetic about serving the corporate big machine and no pretense that this kind of journalism is the crusading kind. That it is upfront about being all about making money for our audience. That’s why I can be emotionally detached from it. Just bring my skills and produce good stories and that’s it. It was no longer about saving the world.
Every now and then I still do take up the cudgels, when the messiah syndrome comes knocking. One day I can go back to it. In another form. In some way or another.
A and I were talking about retiring into our small homes, growing our own food, living sustainably away from the city. She will go home to Mindanao while I am still figuring out where I want to go. My girls and I could end up in my hometown, or near the sea, or in Hyogo Prefecture, or outside Utrecht, or somewhere.
I’m no longer trying to reach the highest level in the ladder nor chasing accolades and titles…But I haven’t really been chasing them in the first place. I only felt pressured to do so when J came into my life because it was what he was chasing after. It was the time I questioned myself, what was I doing with my life? Why am I just stuck as a journalist when I can be doing something in the finance world?
Then when he dumped me, I began to question again what was really my core? What is my essence? What do I want to do for the rest of my life?
Peace. I want peace and contentment. I want to live a life, my life, and not chase somebody else’s dream for them.
So I am working towards that goal now. I don’t know how but I know I will get there.
Every now and then it does occur to me that I can pivot and do what my other ex-colleagues are doing now. My ex-boss in HK (also came from here, we were in the same circle when she was still here in the country) is now a managing director in an advisory firm, which I can do as well if I devote more years into this company to reach some milestones to fatten up my resume. Another friend who also came from a hardcore journalism background is now doing partnership deals for a fintech company. Which I think I can also do.
Now the question is, do I want to do it? Let’s see what the wind may bring. All I know is I want peace and to live my life. To have time to stop and smell the roses.
And write.
I am waiting.
When things are meant for me, they just fall on my lap. Let’s see what happens.
I’m back to sewing masks. I think we will soon run out of Greek letters to distinguish each SARS-COV-2 variant that keeps popping up every month. We now have Lambda, which was first detected in Peru and has now infiltrated 30 countries. So the future masks that I will finish would have a long time of service, unfortunately.
Today was a bit terrible. That interview I did at 5 pm got me triggered. The interviewee was nice and all, nothing was wrong with him and I got everything I needed for a story but at the same time he was all wrong. Very wrong.
He was same age as J, from J’s country of birth (when I thought my interviewee was from somewhere else), migrated to the same country where J migrated at a young age too. Same state and same city. He was relating his history because I asked why he built up his company in this particular segment. Then he told the same backstory of being compared to the neighbor academically, strict upbringing, going to xxx university for pre-med but dropped to go into military. Had a younger brother who went into law school but ended up in MIT. The two of them formed a company in Asia, sold it to a PE and the proceeds allowed them to run a family office investing in two sectors and then they also founded another start-up and now doing a capital growth fundraise. That’s how I ended up interviewing him.
He was so talkative that in 1.5 hrs he already related his political views and the racism he experienced growing up in the same city as J. He said stones were thrown at him when he was a kid and was often told to go home to China. He said, “I shot back and said I am not Chinese, I am xxx and I live in this country.” He said the same thing as J said, that Asians are invisible and are at the bottom rung when it comes to large ethnic groups.
Just as I was getting successful in forgetting and moving on, I suddenly slipped and fell and was back to square one. This interview triggered the memories of J telling me all those stories. Of memories of J.
Stop it. He has forgotten about you. He doesn’t like you. He lied to you about many things. He took you for an idiot. He’s a terrible person. Don’t go back into that dark pit again. Just stop.
So now I’m back to sewing while watching/listening to Youtube to take my mind off everything. I wish I can hold the fort and not crumble.
It is a heavy Monday. I was drowning in work. I again forgot to have lunch and only remembered to eat at 3 pm.
Then I said goodbye to a friend and colleague who has begun sleeping to never wake up.
How do you say goodbye to someone who is dying? What do you say? I was at a loss for words but I knew I needed to say something. His family says he still can hear as hearing is the last of the senses to go before one crosses the rainbow.
So we sent our recorded voice messages via FB Messenger or email. I told him I hope he realizes how much we love him and appreciate how he touched our lives. That I know he will continue fighting for our rights as journalists, as human beings. That he shouldn’t worry because we will carry the torch after he moves on, that we will fight his fight, that the fight will continue.
I always jokingly post on FB that I need him to keep me company trolling the trolls on Twitter.
I told him I hope he is no longer hurting and that he is happy with what he has now and what he has accomplished.
We felt trapped inside the apartment and biking to UP is not yet feasible as some side streets were still closed. So my daughter, Twin I, suggested we bike in BGC where they have dedicated bike lanes.
So we did. Waited for the sky to clear as it has been drizzling earlier yesterday morning. I loaded up our foldies at the back of the car, drove there for 40 mins then parked at OneParkade. I felt it was a bit safer to bike there since it was a weekend so the volume of cars is much less plus the bike lanes are protected by those orange posts that deter cars from occupying the bike lanes as they do in EDSA or C5.
Crossing via pedestrian lane. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Some sections of BGC don’t have bike lanes so we didn’t have much choice but to use the pedestrian lanes and sidewalks since I am with my daughter. If it was just me I can attempt riding on the streets.
Almost empty roads. Photo by CallMeCreation.com Bike rental. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
We saw a bike rental in some parking lots. I haven’t investigated how these things work, like the bike only unlocks via an app? How do they keep these bikes from being stolen? In Taiwan they have something like Ubike there, the yellow rental bikes scattered all over Taipei. It makes sense since traffic in Taipei is bike friendly and their sidewalks allow bikes if there are no dedicated bike lanes. So if you live in one of the condos in BGC and work somewhere else in BGC, it makes more sense to get a bike or scooter than take Grab or a car. Parking in BGC is a nightmare as parking lots are always full.
So before going home, Twin I and I stopped at McDonald’s at the corner or 5th and 32nd street to get sundaes and cookies. Talk about carbo/sugar loading negating the calories we burned.
Photo by CallMeCreation.com
It was an eye-opener that I can bike in BGC on weekends but not with kids. It’s hard to keep them safe from the asshole drivers, like that taxi driver who entered the bike lane because he didn’t want to be held up by a red light. I shouted at the driver that what a prick he was for almost mowing us down.
So I told my daughter that we would just have to stick to UP Diliman for now, even just along University Avenue, until they open up the campus again for bikers and joggers. Maybe tomorrow, if I get off work early.
For the second straight year, I haven’t been to Big Bad Wolf book sale, which is basically a huge warehouse of books marked down to 60%-70% of their normal prices. This time, though, they managed to have an online book sale until 7 July and during the first hour I was able to snag some books for my girls–boxed sets–but overall there are only a few good titles and most of the books for me got sold out in a few hours. I only managed to get one, which is a memoir by Salman Rushdie during the time he went into hiding after the fatwa on him was issued following the publication of his Satanic Verses.
I still have tons of books on my shelves that I have yet to finish. Always on the “to read” pile. Tsundoku.
My mom just messaged me on Viber that there is a growth of something where her malignant mole had been. She had surgery years ago to have that removed but now it seems like there’s an outgrowth. She went to two doctors today and she will have new sets of doctors to see on Monday.
Lord, please don’t let it be full-blown cancer. 😞 It’s a difficult disease and she’s past 70.
I need to go home soon. 🥺
So many drastic changes this past 30 days. One of my househelpers is pregnant (I’m not surprised) so she will be going home to her province on 15 Aug. Another person gone from my household. J had been urging me to send her home earlier because there’s an excess labor here at home and they’re not being maximized and I’m just wasting money. But I said I’ll just wait for her to resign on her own since it was just a matter of time that either she will get pregnant or get engaged, whichever comes first. I was right.
One of the people I had been helping for years has turned his/her back against me. For a petty reason. I guess I was not a friend at all, despite all the help I’ve been extending to this person.
Another reporter is resigning. Now I’m at my wits’ and how to bridge the gap.
Lord, give me and my mom the strength to deal with all of these.
