Author Archives: admin

Picking my brain

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I don’t feel ok.

Just had a session with my doctor this evening and i feel like my brain was drilled open and the things that I had been burying were hauled out. The things I keep suppressing burst out like a geyser.

It’s not your fault, she said. Stop whipping yourself. Give your self some credit. Be kind to yourself. He was just the wrong person. It’s not your fault; it’s just you had a lot of love to give–that’s all. You have to love yourself more, she said.

“Did he apologize to you?”

“No, not really. It’s a ‘sorry’ that went along the lines of ‘Sorry, it’s just that.’ But not really apology for hurting me. For using me. For his treatment of me towards the end that sent me over the edge,” I told my doctor. “But I have to reconcile with myself that I will never get that so I deal with it. I have to accept that I won’t get answers. You don’t get closure from someone else; you get your closure from within yourself.”

“What are you doing to get out of your episodes?”

“During lockdowns I couldn’t do anything much. Not even go biking to clear my head. Then I got Covid that further trapped me indoors and in my brain. Now that I can drive, I can see friends from way back. Those who knew me before shit had hit the fan. That’s why I’m going back to my roots; to what I was–to who I really am. To the things that made me like myself. It’s my way of loving myself,” I said.

“Good that you are able to pick yourself up now,” she said.

She then lowered my dosage of the anti-anxiety med, which may have been causing me to get sleepy more than necessary. She asked me if I could already sleep on nights I’m off it (because I now take it once every two nights). I said yes, I think so I can now.

I no longer wake up every hour, I said. Covid was bad; I was asleep 75% of the time but it was good that I made up for the months I haven’t been sleeping. It felt good,” I remarked.

Nap time. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Just like today, I was joined by my cats during my after lunch sleep. I always get sleepy by midday. Because of this I will just take my anti-anxiety med once every three days.

But my anti-depressant will still be there during my entire 12-month therapy. Hopefully I won’t have triggers by then. I wish the things that hurt me and had killed me over and over will just be a bad dream.

Certified plantita

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My newly acquired peach rose. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I bought this on the way to my hometown last weekend and it was only this morning I had the chance to replant them. My girls bought me pruning shears from Mr. DIY yesterday when they went out with their dad. I used the shears happily this morning and gardened until half past 1 pm.

Lovely flowers I bought for PHP 35 each plant. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My little roses have started to bloom again after careful pruning and fertilizing. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

So did my first rose, the white rose. My liquid fertilizer and powdered egg shells did wonders. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My birds of paradise that I transferred to a bigger pot today. This one is already the daughter plant of the original that I bought in ny hometown last year. Now it has grown its own daughter (see the shoot below?). The mother plant died because it was under direct sunlight. Since I’ve transferred this baby in the shade, it thrived and grew faster. It may have to grow up to 5 ft before it would start to flower. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I cleaned up the container garden today. I must get some pedestals so the pots would be at different levels to give it depth. Excuse my neighbor’s mess at the back. I plan to put up a chicken wire to delineate our territories and keep their trash out. And have some creeping roses climb over it. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Meanwhile, my cat loves to intervene in my bed-making chore. I was making my bed for my Zennya massage when she slipped under the covers and stayed there

Kimchi trying to be cute. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My high school friends had been teasing me because one of the guys that we had a jamming session with (the guitarist) last week was messaging me on Facebook yesterday. True that it was odd he would be messaging me when I was the only girl in that group and in terms of friendship or closeness, I was the least close to him. He is one batch younger than us, a friend of my sister. One high school friend said, oyyyy he has a crush on you!

Too bad I’m already numb. I don’t feel anything. If I weren’t jaded and numb, I would have been flattered because he was the most popular and good-looking guy in our high school and when we were in college. But this tita is already… meehhhhhh.

Funny how things turn out.

This is how being numb feels like. Nothing. You’re just a rock. It’s like a default defense mechanism. I guess life would be easier this way.

House of Gucci

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The last time I saw a film in theaters was when J and I watched Ip Man 4 in Eastwood. That was two or three days before lockdown last year. I’m still scared of going into tight and enclosed spaces but this movie, House of Gucci, makes me want to forget about Covid.

But I’m not stupid. I’ll just wait for it to be streamed online probably.

There’s something mesmerizing about Lady Gaga here. I’m no fan of hers but she was completely erased here and all I see was Patrizia Reggiani. Jared Leto looked comical in this one but he is not Jared Leto here; he has become a caricature of Paolo Gucci. I love Jared when he leads 30 Seconds to Mars and even I can’t reach his notes. I have yet to see a mature Jared Leto acting. I watched him as a pretty boy in some TV shows and movies during my pre-teen and teeny bopper days.

I just wish I could watch movies in theaters again. Or watch live theater performances without fearing for my life. 😓

Meanwhile…

I saw my curtains move in the middle of the night.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Of course, it has to be a cat. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Better

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Feeling much better today so I managed to write and publish another story. I keep posting job ads, too. I must fill up these vacant positions soon.

Cats are really therapeutic. Bad day at work? Squish your cat like you do stress balls. Play with them and they will make you laugh.

Sushi and Kimchi ready to ambush the laser pointer. Photo by Twin A for CallMeCreation.com

I talked to my best friend yesterday and told her I would be going home soon with my girls to settle down there. I told her, I think I’m already ok growing old solo and this flat I’m going to build is just the start. I will save up money also for a condo unit in Makati and/or a small cottage by the sea.

She said my decision is sound; we are at this stage that we don’t want to be harassed financially anymore. She assured me that it’s ok to stay put even if all the others are saying, “Don’t let go of this opportunity!” Because we should be doubling down on our savings now for retirement and children’s education.

Because I feel guilty that I’m depriving my children a chance to live abroad and be exposed to foreign cultures in exchange for comfort and peace. BFF told me our other BFF was also thinking of moving back to Vietnam, to her old post with an MNC. She did the numbers as well but she realized it wouldn’t work without the expat package. She is a single parent to two kids under the age of six (another case of having an irresponsible father). So instead, she stayed put and pursued her sandwich program in Belgium and here while she keeps her job with an international institution. She said there’s no point of living like a pauper abroad when we can be very comfortable here. Stability is important for solo parents.

Such is the fate of parents…especially single parents. Without a good support system, it would be really hard to spread our wings.

I hope I’m making the right decision.

Sad

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It’s an understatement.

My APAC head was pirated by our former APAC head to join her in her new consulting firm. She will leave us in three months. I had been pushing for people to move up; was counting on her to back me up.

But then, I can’t fault her. She has been with the company since forever and she needed a new challenge.

I feel bummed out today after my call with her.

And I’m having a hard time hiring in Jakarta, Bangkok, and Singapore. My manager isn’t exerting much effort to help. I need to fill up these vacancies before my APAC boss leaves. I am going nuts here; my ass is tied to my chair and couldn’t really actively hire in these markets due to travel restrictions.

stressed woman covering her face with her hands
Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

All the more that I shouldn’t move to Singapore; it’s too much of a gamble to uproot ourselves with this kind of leadership issues we’re having. Our former APAC head knows what my goals are and she knows that I’m not into client-facing jobs. I can chase stories and network like crazy but chasing contracts is a stretch for me. That’s why she hasn’t and she won’t pirate me.

One Singapore-based high school friend who is a lawyer for one of the big global investment banks told me I should grab the opportunity to relocate there. I pointed out to her the cost of sending children to school. She agreed that education for foreigners there is prohibitive but she said it’s doable. Well, with her income level it’s doable. Journalists don’t earn much in Singapore like bankers and lawyers and I would be pinching pennies there. I don’t want a lower quality of life just because we need to grab the opportunity to live in Singapore!

I hope I will feel better and optimistic tomorrow. Right now I’ll just wallow in frustration and sadness.

My flat’s proposed plan by my contractor.

So now we have the right dimensions. This is about the same as some mid-priced condos here in Metro Manila but I have a garden and more space to move about outside. I can build an extra office or studio in the garden. Besides, when we’re back in my hometown, we won’t be spending our time inside all the time because it’s so easy to be outdoors there. The mountain is just by our doorstep. Sports and recreation is literally walking distance. My high school friends are even planning a year-end camping trip in Caliraya–those things are easy to manage when you already live there.

And when I’m old and grey, this space is easy to manage. I’ll just have a two-person elevator installed.

Back after two years

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Waiting for my food at 3F Lasema. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Since it’s Bonifacio Day today = no school, the girls asked me if we can go to Lasema. I was thinking of having a massage so, why not?

The staff recognized the girls and were happy to see that they have grown up, pimples and all. They also said I lost weight; I replied Covid is a good weight loss program.

We spent more than four hours there. The girls went back and forth the hot tubs and the dining area three times while I had my massage after spending an hour in the hot tubs. Then I went back again just to remove the oil in my body. It was an expensive Bonifacio Day outing so that’s why we made sure we got our money’s worth. If only the girls didn’t have to wake up early tomorrow, we could have napped there and gone back to the hot tubs for a final soak before calling it a night.

My back aches didn’t go away but at least my muscles have relaxed.

Meanwhile, my cats have gone crazy.

Laser!!! Photos by CallMeCreation.com

Been driving my cats bonkers with our new laser pointer. They have been chasing up and down that little red dot. It’s a good physical exercise for them, especially chunky Kimchi.

The trip to the onsen is now making me sleepy. G’night.