Author Archives: admin

Growing up so fast

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At the salon. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My girls have asked me if they can have haircuts because their pandemic hair already looked unruly. So since today is a Catholic holiday, I obliged and went to a salon that didn’t require prior appointment.

I took advantage of the free time and brought them to their dentist for their prophylaxis. What was supposed to be an emergency procedure (because Twin I broke her molar tooth but it turned out to be a clean break) became a routine procedure–annual cleaning. Might as well get that out of the way.

It was kinda awkward that one of the assistants asked about J, whom they referred to as the girls’ dad. I was at the waiting room when that was asked so I didn’t know. Isay honestly said, oh he’s not my dad and he’s no longer around.

The assistant said, oh but you looked like him that’s why I mistook him as your dad.

It must be the eyes. My girls got my small eyes.

Anyway, after dentist, we braved SM Marikina because I need to buy them underwear–especially bras–because they have grown up so fast. I’m surprised that they have matured earlier than me. My body started to change when I was 12 and really didn’t have pimples until I was in college.

Their choices for their clothes and other personal stuff are no longer child-like. They hate princess stuff and gravitate towards more mature colors like teal, grey, and black.

My little girls are no longer little. They’re turning into ladies. 🥺

At the same time, I’m preparing myself for the changes my body will also go through. This essay on Huffpost is like a slap in the face for me who had become so insecure about my age after I have had an ageist ex-partner who went after a girl almost 15 yrs his junior. I didn’t mind before that I was already 40. It was a badge of honor that I reached that age and hopefully much wiser. But then…I met J. Oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have to get over that trauma. I’m fine. My age doesn’t matter anymore. It’s just me and my friends, who thankfully don’t care about my age. I just need to lose my belly and I’m ok.

I will be ok.

A few words of wisdom

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A friend just sent me this via FB Messenger a few minutes ago. She and I are both trying to heal from bad breakups. She even flew to Maryland from here to be with the guy but he just took her for granted. She went to NY and stayed with her brother to heal. She says she will be coming back home here if things don’t pan out there.

I told her, the reason I’m going back to my past is to rediscover some things I lost.

I may be wrong, but this is how I am coping with this trauma. This is how I pick myself up when I sink into my episodes. Because when you have trauma, the triggers will surely be pulled and the bullet will go straight into your head. Healing from trauma is managing how to get the bullet out of your head. Later I would learn how to dodge the bullet when the triggers are pulled.

In the meantime, I am sewing these masks so that my co-hosts and I would have uniform masks on Saturday for our high school alumni homecoming. Our class shirt is light blue so these teal masks are unisex and would go with our shirts. Sewing these keeps me busy and helps me remove the bullet from my head. Especially now that my first death anniversary is coming up on the 17th-18th–that is already next week!

Hand-sewn masks. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Picking my brain

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I don’t feel ok.

Just had a session with my doctor this evening and i feel like my brain was drilled open and the things that I had been burying were hauled out. The things I keep suppressing burst out like a geyser.

It’s not your fault, she said. Stop whipping yourself. Give your self some credit. Be kind to yourself. He was just the wrong person. It’s not your fault; it’s just you had a lot of love to give–that’s all. You have to love yourself more, she said.

“Did he apologize to you?”

“No, not really. It’s a ‘sorry’ that went along the lines of ‘Sorry, it’s just that.’ But not really apology for hurting me. For using me. For his treatment of me towards the end that sent me over the edge,” I told my doctor. “But I have to reconcile with myself that I will never get that so I deal with it. I have to accept that I won’t get answers. You don’t get closure from someone else; you get your closure from within yourself.”

“What are you doing to get out of your episodes?”

“During lockdowns I couldn’t do anything much. Not even go biking to clear my head. Then I got Covid that further trapped me indoors and in my brain. Now that I can drive, I can see friends from way back. Those who knew me before shit had hit the fan. That’s why I’m going back to my roots; to what I was–to who I really am. To the things that made me like myself. It’s my way of loving myself,” I said.

“Good that you are able to pick yourself up now,” she said.

She then lowered my dosage of the anti-anxiety med, which may have been causing me to get sleepy more than necessary. She asked me if I could already sleep on nights I’m off it (because I now take it once every two nights). I said yes, I think so I can now.

I no longer wake up every hour, I said. Covid was bad; I was asleep 75% of the time but it was good that I made up for the months I haven’t been sleeping. It felt good,” I remarked.

Nap time. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Just like today, I was joined by my cats during my after lunch sleep. I always get sleepy by midday. Because of this I will just take my anti-anxiety med once every three days.

But my anti-depressant will still be there during my entire 12-month therapy. Hopefully I won’t have triggers by then. I wish the things that hurt me and had killed me over and over will just be a bad dream.

Certified plantita

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My newly acquired peach rose. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I bought this on the way to my hometown last weekend and it was only this morning I had the chance to replant them. My girls bought me pruning shears from Mr. DIY yesterday when they went out with their dad. I used the shears happily this morning and gardened until half past 1 pm.

Lovely flowers I bought for PHP 35 each plant. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My little roses have started to bloom again after careful pruning and fertilizing. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

So did my first rose, the white rose. My liquid fertilizer and powdered egg shells did wonders. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
My birds of paradise that I transferred to a bigger pot today. This one is already the daughter plant of the original that I bought in ny hometown last year. Now it has grown its own daughter (see the shoot below?). The mother plant died because it was under direct sunlight. Since I’ve transferred this baby in the shade, it thrived and grew faster. It may have to grow up to 5 ft before it would start to flower. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I cleaned up the container garden today. I must get some pedestals so the pots would be at different levels to give it depth. Excuse my neighbor’s mess at the back. I plan to put up a chicken wire to delineate our territories and keep their trash out. And have some creeping roses climb over it. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Meanwhile, my cat loves to intervene in my bed-making chore. I was making my bed for my Zennya massage when she slipped under the covers and stayed there

Kimchi trying to be cute. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My high school friends had been teasing me because one of the guys that we had a jamming session with (the guitarist) last week was messaging me on Facebook yesterday. True that it was odd he would be messaging me when I was the only girl in that group and in terms of friendship or closeness, I was the least close to him. He is one batch younger than us, a friend of my sister. One high school friend said, oyyyy he has a crush on you!

Too bad I’m already numb. I don’t feel anything. If I weren’t jaded and numb, I would have been flattered because he was the most popular and good-looking guy in our high school and when we were in college. But this tita is already… meehhhhhh.

Funny how things turn out.

This is how being numb feels like. Nothing. You’re just a rock. It’s like a default defense mechanism. I guess life would be easier this way.

House of Gucci

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The last time I saw a film in theaters was when J and I watched Ip Man 4 in Eastwood. That was two or three days before lockdown last year. I’m still scared of going into tight and enclosed spaces but this movie, House of Gucci, makes me want to forget about Covid.

But I’m not stupid. I’ll just wait for it to be streamed online probably.

There’s something mesmerizing about Lady Gaga here. I’m no fan of hers but she was completely erased here and all I see was Patrizia Reggiani. Jared Leto looked comical in this one but he is not Jared Leto here; he has become a caricature of Paolo Gucci. I love Jared when he leads 30 Seconds to Mars and even I can’t reach his notes. I have yet to see a mature Jared Leto acting. I watched him as a pretty boy in some TV shows and movies during my pre-teen and teeny bopper days.

I just wish I could watch movies in theaters again. Or watch live theater performances without fearing for my life. 😓

Meanwhile…

I saw my curtains move in the middle of the night.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Of course, it has to be a cat. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Better

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Feeling much better today so I managed to write and publish another story. I keep posting job ads, too. I must fill up these vacant positions soon.

Cats are really therapeutic. Bad day at work? Squish your cat like you do stress balls. Play with them and they will make you laugh.

Sushi and Kimchi ready to ambush the laser pointer. Photo by Twin A for CallMeCreation.com

I talked to my best friend yesterday and told her I would be going home soon with my girls to settle down there. I told her, I think I’m already ok growing old solo and this flat I’m going to build is just the start. I will save up money also for a condo unit in Makati and/or a small cottage by the sea.

She said my decision is sound; we are at this stage that we don’t want to be harassed financially anymore. She assured me that it’s ok to stay put even if all the others are saying, “Don’t let go of this opportunity!” Because we should be doubling down on our savings now for retirement and children’s education.

Because I feel guilty that I’m depriving my children a chance to live abroad and be exposed to foreign cultures in exchange for comfort and peace. BFF told me our other BFF was also thinking of moving back to Vietnam, to her old post with an MNC. She did the numbers as well but she realized it wouldn’t work without the expat package. She is a single parent to two kids under the age of six (another case of having an irresponsible father). So instead, she stayed put and pursued her sandwich program in Belgium and here while she keeps her job with an international institution. She said there’s no point of living like a pauper abroad when we can be very comfortable here. Stability is important for solo parents.

Such is the fate of parents…especially single parents. Without a good support system, it would be really hard to spread our wings.

I hope I’m making the right decision.