I’m thankful that I have moments like this everyday and I’m not rushing to another job on a weekend to keep a roof over my head. I am thankful that I have a cleaning lady scrubbing the steps for me so I don’t have to forfeit my weekend, which is reserved for rest. I am thankful that I have a village with me to help me raise my girls.

I remember having this same feeling when I learned a cousin-in-law hanged herself inside a closet. She was suffering from post-partum depression and just had twins, a few months ahead of me. Her husband, my cousin, is a cardiologist who had to work all the time. She didn’t have the support system that new mothers have that traditional Asian families provide. She’s white and my cousin is half-white.

I’ve had post partum depression as well and it’s common for mothers of twins (multiple births in general). My grandma also had it and she had two sets of twins. My mom said she remembered hearing that they had to have my grandpa’s sisters come in to help my grandma because of that. Twin mothers have twice the level of human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), the pregnancy hormone, compared to a mother carrying a single baby. So once the twin mom gives birth, the hCG suddenly crashes down to earth and that wreaks havoc on the body and brain. It’s really, really crazy.

I was lucky I was with my mom during my last two months of pregnancy and until my babies were 6 months old. I knew I needed all the help I can get so I went home to my mom. She was there with me helping with the late night feedings and then the nannies (I had two) came in the morning to take the babies away so I can sleep. I was encouraged to go out to have some air. Somebody else was there to cook and clean. I had my sisters with me who can entertain my babies. I’ve had my mom and sis-in-law with me to help me with bathing newborns and burping them, and to teach me how to massage my premature babies’ legs so they will become strong. Twin A was a colicky baby and I had everyone helping me in calming her down, massaging her tummy, and basically taking the colicky baby away from me because she was screaming her head off and I had the strong urge to shake her. Actually I did shake her and I realized that I was killing her, I put her on the bed and screamed for help and told them to take her away from me before I killed my baby who wouldn’t stop crying. I was only sleeping an hour every night, I barely ate, it was difficult to take showers because I had a CS birth, I was aching all over but I had my village to help out.

My cousin-in-law had none of that support system. She was left alone with two infants, with her hormones crashing, barely sleeping, barely eating, unwashed, dealing with a messy home, and a husband who is always at the hospital. She didn’t have a village. She didn’t have anybody.

That’s when I knew my decision to stay in this poor, third world country ten years prior to giving birth (when I was in my twenties) is the right one. Everyone was leaving the Philippines and I got ridiculed for staying behind. I did plan to study abroad but I knew I would always be coming back home. I have my village here. My support system. I wouldn’t have made it without them.

A friend (who may no longer be a friend) told me to transfer to Singapore to give my kids a better education because it’s more advanced there. I told her, at what price? I will be alone and will be busy with work so I won’t be able to focus on my children. She never had kids so she wouldn’t understand that it’s difficult to be a single mom abroad without that support system. My children also will be subjected to too much pressure studying, with cram schools and standardized tests to measure “intelligence” (but basically just rote learning), which will be the basis for their value in life in Singapore. The kiasu mentality there doubles the pressure. I had to weigh the pros and cons like, academic excellence vs healthy, well-rounded childhood. Mental fortitude and higher emotional quotient are more important to me so my children can survive the rigors of life. My kids can always go abroad for higher degrees and they can get scholarships like many of my friends and relatives/sibling had. For now, I’m thankful that my children aren’t jumping off balconies due to depression and school and societal pressures.

Just last night, I fed six kids dinner, including my own, because they decided to hang out at our house after school. That would have been next to impossible in east Asia where kids had to study for another four hours in cram school then vege out infront of their screens to play video games to decompress.

Now why am I talking about this? People are flooding Xiaohongshu and Tiktok with videos about their recent discoveries. They realized that US is not the greatest country in the world as they were led to believe. The Europeans had been telling them, “we told you so, you just didn’t listen.” Yes, in the comments.

I didn’t buy that American Dream actually. My relatives on my maternal side were ready to finance my plane tickets to the US and were prepared to host me (provided that I worked in their deli in Chicago while I figure out life). But I didn’t go. My other cousin, who is just two weeks younger than me, took the offer and she and my sister lived with each other for quite a bit but our cousin left to live with her other relatives (her maternal side) in other states so she can see more and weigh if she would like it there. My sister also went to our relatives on our paternal side to check their neck of the woods.

My sister lived there for half a year and came back home. She said she didn’t like the life my relatives were leading and everyone else’s trajectory. It’s just work, work, work. America is founded on the Puritan belief that work is a moral good and a way to express their belief, so the work culture is their way of life. This mindset has redounded even to the non-religious and to people of different religions. It is the foundation of America, the country run by corporations. My sister and this cousin both went back home. They both have choices to stay or go home, while some Pinoys in the same deli didn’t and they needed to stay in the US to seek a better life. My cousin said she would die in the US because a unit of insulin was USD 100 (thankfully it now dropped to USD 35) for the uninsured whereas in the Philippines it can be PHP 500-PHP 1,200. It can also be free in the Philippines through Department of Health Insulin Medicines Access Program. (As a side note, the PH DOH also gives free TB meds for the poor under the TB DOTS program. Imagine, a third world country giving free medicines to its people…I don’t think the US government gives away anything for free).

My sister lived in Australia but came back. While she said she liked it there, there was little incentive for her to stay there for good. Right now she travels the world to give talks in conferences and whatnot. She is one of the few in experts in her field and she doesn’t have to live away from family to do her own thing. Besides, her dollars as a consultant to a global organization go a long way here.

We are the privileged ones so we can afford to stay home and still be comfortable. Those who aren’t are forced to seek their fortunes elsewhere but many said on chat groups and on social media, if they had a choice, they still wanted to be with their families and friends. Yes we have a shitty government and the electorate is dumb but US is the same. The UK is the same. Elsewhere is the same, it’s just that the degrees vary. It’s just a matter of choosing your own poison.

Others opted to go away because of the said shitty government. Can’t blame them and very valid. Again, choose your own poison.

I just downloaded some of the photos taken by the BSP’s official photographer and I didn’t realize how black we all were. 🤣 I really stood out from the crowd when I wore hot pink two years ago.

Anyway, the world has gone insane over Xiaohongshu/RedNote.

Tiktok will be banned in the US this coming weekend so Americans decided to be petty. Their government accuses Tiktok of being a spy for the CCP, so in retaliation, the citizens of the great nation of USA went straight to a “more Chinese” into the arms of CCP, to a social media app where the content is pure Chinese. No translations.

It was a “fuck you!” to Trump, to Mark Zuckerberg, and to Elon Musk. They thought once Tiktok is banned, Americans would go flocking back to Instagram or *inhale* old people’s Facebook. Some of the posters I watched said, “I’d rather learn Mandarin and give my data to China than to Zuckerberg or Musk. What would the Chinese government use my data for when all I have is debt?”

@thelaineyblair

Fox News going crazy rn☠️ #rednote #rednoteapp #mandarin #chinese #KeepTikTok #savetiktok #tiktokcase #tiktokban #meta #metastock

♬ original sound – JamieJL651

So in a matter of 24 hrs, the Americans have invaded Red Note. They have infiltrated my algorithm. The Chinese were welcoming and  eager to show the Americans their, food, homes, art, lifestyles and wanted to practice their English. Yes, I learned it all by reading the comments on each Red Note video that welcomed the Americans.

The Americans are shocked to learn that they were fed propaganda by western media and the goverenment. Shocked to learn that the Chinese didn’t live and work in sweatshops, that they could afford to eat well for little money (“they could afford to have grocery hauls whereas I couldn’t feed myself!”), that they live in nice apartments, that infrastructure is way ahead of the US (hello, bullet trains!) and that life is not miserable.

The Chinese are equally shocked to learn that Americans have to pay thousands of USD to be transported by ambulance, that they go in so much debt to go to college, they had to work two to three jobs to survive because the cost of housing and groceries is just too much when minimum wage is only USD 7.50 and hasn’t increased in a decade or so. They also got the surprise of their lives when they learned that Americans have no free time as depicted in movies and TV shows, they cannot afford holidays and days off, and that lunch break is only 10-15 mins and you have to eat in a hurry.

@tallgirl6234

♬ original sound – TallGirl6234

And what’s insane about all these?! Both sides were very, very polite with each other. Americans kept reminding fellow Americans not to bring their assholery to Xiaohongshu since they’re just visitors invading the Chinese’s social media app. It was supposed to be their safe space. If an American starts ruining it for the Chinese, they would all be kicked out and all they have left is Bluesky, some American visitors said.

And what did this TikToker above said?! Trump wants to get rid of the Department of Education?! Oh heavens! This is why Americans cannot point out Australia on the world map!

She is pointing out that the reason why the Trump wants Tiktok to be banned is because they want the Americans to remain ignorant about the rest of the world and continue to live in a bubble, believing America is the greatest of all nations. Most Americans who learned about things outside of the US through Tiktok and now Red Note said they are living in a third world country, where children are going through emergency drills for school shootings, where Luigi Mangione has become a folk hero by exacting justice on the deplorable insurance system, where you’re one illness away from homelessness or bankruptcy, maternity leaves are unheard of, and the only affordable option to feed your family is by buying boxed, canned, or frozen foods. Unadultered fresh food is a luxury to them, in contrast with the rest of the world where even factory workers can buy fresh vegetables in a wet/public market. They have remained ignorant for so long because they cannot afford to travel given that PTO days are hard to come by and plane tickets are just too expensive.

They’re waking up now.

Here is Lea Salonga, a guest on PBS’ Finding Your Roots. It turns out she descended from a German academic named Pedro Malhabor (a naturalist) who migrated to the Philippines in the early 19th century. Who knew?!

The Philippines is somewhat a melting pot of people, an east meets west type of place. We were never homogeneous to begin with. Compared to our neighbors who tend to be purists (Malay vs Chinese vs Indian like in SG and Malaysia), we in the Philippines are a mixture races and our families could no longer trace our heritage. We always had an open door policy, especially when it comes to refugees (White Russians, European Jews, Chinese escaping the communists, Vietnamese, Syrians, and Ukrainians). It was only Duterte who denied the request for asylum for Afghan refugees fleeing the Taliban rule in 2018.

One example of the diversity of our heritage is local actress Dawn Zulueta, whose grandfather is a Palestinian who escaped the conflict in Israel and sought refuge in the Philippines. Duterte’s ex-wife is a Zimmerman whose family emigrated from Germany in the 1930s via the US then resided in the Philippines.

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I am visiting my bank soon. I will modify my letter of instruction to the trust department of my bank to tell them to dial down my PSE feeder fund UITF investments and instead start putting my money into the S&P 500 UITF.

I just realized that I had been investing in the PSEi (either through a feeder fund or an index fund) for nothing as it has been flat for 10 years! I have to face the reality that we won’t be trading at almost 20x P/E again, like in 2016-2017. We’re only doing 12.2x these days. 😭

My global balanced mutual fund has been giving me better dividends every month—more than my local ETF has ever done in my 10 years putting my money into it.

Fuck. I lost a lot of capital gains because I didn’t diversify into offshore funds. 🥲 But then, it wasn’t my fault that some funds (such as US and global funds) were not available to me at the time I started boosting my investments. Maybe I was so arrogant, thinking I will be fine because I was/am a stock market reporter so more or less I know how it works.

Wrong.

I didn’t count that Duterte would happen. That the pandemic would happen. That I will live through another Marcos presidency.

The PSE is so shitty nowadays that I’m enticed to put my money on crypto—which goes against everything I believed in investing on fundamentals. 😑

Fuck.

I don’t know why but I bought a new tea set from the second-hand ceramics pop-up store at the weekend community market last Sunday. Maybe because I drink hot tea more now it’s colder. Right now it’s 24 degrees C and in the coming days we will be registering lower temps, around 21 to 20. When I was in high school it there was a time it reached 18 degrees.

It’s also a form of relaxation for me. The act of bringing a tiny cup to my lips and savoring a hot brew is meditative.

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Last Friday, I counseled a friend who cried to me because she couldn’t see where her relationship with her partner is going. Differing approaches to financial management really does break a relationship and it’s not a petty issue. Financial management is a reflection of your values and how you approach life in general. Financial dishonesty is a serious offense.

I told her, one of the most eye-opening things told to me by a fellow married woman was this: you do not have to mix your finances with your partner. This person was a lawyer-columnist with whom I shared rooms during a junket trip abroad. I was just two months married then and she told me that 1) I should always have my own money because when shit hits the fan, I can always walk out; 2) I can keep our finances separate and just agree on the household expenses that we can split and jointly pay for.

My erstwhile roomie told me that she and her husband, who is also a lawyer, split the grocery bills. Her husband bought the meat because he was very much a carnivore and there were expensive cuts that he favored. She, on the other hand, spends on—I can no longer remember—but the rest on their grocery list is jointly financed between the two of them. That is just one example. She pays for this, he pays for that. She told me it’s totally fine not to follow the traditional way of managing household finances where one controls the money and the other just receives an allowance. Having expenses split according to what you’re willing to spend/splurge on will lessen resentment and animosity between couples.

We did that and before we had children, ex-husband was paying for utilities while I paid for the groceries. Shortly after things flipped over and I had borne all kid-related stuff and groceries. Later on, I was paying for all of our expenses except cable TV because he’s the one addicted to TV while I couldn’t be bothered by it. And yes I was the only one paying for our kids’ private school tuition. I had too much resentment boiling inside me because aside from I was working myself to the bone, I was paying for everything, and yet he couldn’t even help in taking care of our kids.

On hindsight, this was the reason why I was always tired, stressed, and unhappy.

He was so financially dishonest that it was only when my kids and I left him did I learn that he wasn’t even paying rent. His sister let us live in that house we were living for 8 years for free. He led me to believe he was paying rent as part of his contribution to household expenses.

So I told this friend that she and her partner should keep their finances separate since they’re not even married. There’s no way to protect her when shit happens. She’s stressing over her partner being financially irresponsible and the ironic thing is this person is in banking. 😬 I told her that it’s up to her how long she can wait until the partner wisens up. I mean, some people can be taught financial responsibility and they’re not beyond redemption. Until that happens, she should keep her finances separate or else the resentment will boil over.

In my case, I compromised so much. I was like a melting candle and in the end I was so spent that I no longer had anything to give. You cannot pour from an empty vessel.

I am without a fridge for more than a week now. I had to throw out a LOT of food and the frozen goods that thawed had to be transferred to my mom’s house to be cooked.

It took a week before the Panasonic Service Center in my hometown to pull out my fridge. And it will take another week for them to bring it back for PHP 7,300.

I can’t cook because I have no food except for canned stuff and instant noodles. If I cook, there should be no leftovers. I had to throw away leftover rice.

What I have are eggs and Chinese buns. I cooked them on the steamer that my older sister handed down to me. She received this as a gift or won it at a Christmas raffle and had been stuck with her for two years because she doesn’t cook.

So I made steamed eggs. I didn’t have spring onions with me because I had thrown out all my vegetables so I had to do without. Twin I and I liked them that she ate it with rice.

Hmm, I can make steamed fish in ginger and soy sauce.

Twin I said she can’t wait for the fridge to come back because she misses my cooking. ❤️ She is so done with food deliveries.

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This is the first bankers night at the central bank that I didn’t take photos of. The first in the 19 years I’ve been attending this annual event, except of course duringthe pandemic years of 2020 and 2021.

Why is that? I don’t know. The people that I had been fond of are no longer attending because they have moved on from their former roles, or they have moved on from this plane. Maybe I was just too busy chatting with people.

I saw journo friends and many of us stayed behind after the bankers have left. We were the ones left eating the excellent wrapped spicy sisig, lechon, roastbeef in pan de sal… The caterer was CIBO and I say Margarita Fores delivered. 👌

One good TV reporter friend of mine, GDP, and I exchanged gifts at the parking area. I gave him the 1001 song book I found in Booksale and the Gold Roast coffee I brought from Singapore. For some reason friends and family like Gold Roast so the last time I got home from SG, half of my luggage was coffee and milk tea. 🤷🏻‍♀️

GDP in exchange, gave me this from his family’s trip in S. Korea:

I guess I would have to start dabbling in watercolors again. 🙃

My kids are doing well in school. Twin A has improved a lot, her lowest grade is 95, which is Math. She’s on top of her class, her advisor told me. Twin I is already near the ceiling with most of her grades already at 98 to 100. She’s reviewing now for the Philippine Biology something, like a Math Olympics, and would be competing at Ateneo in two weeks.

I thank God my kids and thriving. Twin A is doing her volleyball training so I have to fetch her from school every Mondays and Wednesdays as the school bus service is long gone by the time they’re done.

I asked them last night if they want to join the youth camp during the summer break and they said no, they have their own trainings or activities slated for those months.

Oh, am on the way now to Manila and have a packed day ahead.

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