@lorien..rhoads

I feel so bad for her #birthratedecline #weaponizedincompentence #badhusbands #storytime #motherhoodunfiltered

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Ghad. I’m much happier this way. I’ve been a single mom while married ever since so it’s basically the same minus the burden of having to take care of and accommodate a man-child in your life.

I feel bad for all of us women who are treated this way.

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We just came from watching Jerrold Tarog’s Quezon at SM Cinemas.

“I am the Philippines!” shouted Manuel L. Quezon, the country’s commonwealth president.

Very apt, that monologue he did as he was being wheeled inside the Malinta Tunnel in Corregidor has double-meaning. Quezon is the Philippines, his love for her, his grand designs on her, and the movie itself—it is a good representation of what makes the Philippines the Philippines: Everything is dirty.

This movie was creative in the way how Quezon manipulated everyone like it was a game of Trip to Jerusalem. *cue the tango music* It was comical yet dark. It showed how the Americans fueled patronage politics all over the Philippines that plagues us to this day. How Uncle Sam is starting to flex his imperialistic muscles. Quezon and Osmeña played dirty because that was the system they were operating in and the kind of system that imprisoned them.

You don’t win elections if you’re not a politico. And politicos are dirty. They have to be. That’s why Leni Robredo didn’t stand a chance, she doesn’t play politics well. It’s a dirty game of chess, a smart poker game.

I am the Philippines!

Yes, the movie is very much the Philippines. No one is a hero, no one is a villain.

Even Aguinaldo was given a small window to redeem himself at the end.

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I was in a ballroom-full of lawyers yesterday, listening to talks about tax, arbitration, cybersecurity, AI and copyright laws. All the while working on three stories for publication. One is still in editing limbo and I’m already on my leave. 🤦🏻‍♀️

What’s my agenda for today? After buying food outside to feed my brood and extended family, I will just shutter myself in my room and play games on my pc, read my books, or paint.

I’m 46. Gone were the days when my friends and I would be partying the night away. Even coffee dates are hard to schedule just to catch up with friends. I value sleep these days over going out. Keeping inner peace is my thing now.

My girls woke me up at exactly 12 midnight by hugging me while I was sleeping. I was half-awake when they greeted me Happy Birthday.

This is all what life is about: Love. I have everything I need.

Thank you, Lord, for the 46 years. I’m still healthy, I’m still strong, I’m still mentally sharp. Some of my classmates and friends have already been gone. It’s a privilege to reach this age.

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I can’t help it. Light. It creates the mood, the ambiance. I want my home to bask in a warm glow.

I attended a conference today—zero yield. To make me feel better, I went to Ikea and went straight to the lighting section. I’ve been plotting this for days.

On Thursday, I will buy materials to make myself a Christmas-themed set of curtains. I will sew them by hand—again. Creating something with my bare hands will help reduce my anxiety.

It’s Monday. I’m dead. You know, when the manager from the land of bubblegum pop is on holiday/leave, I’m not anxious. I enjoy my job. But when I know she’s there, my anxiety runs high. Then I go through anxiety attacks and I just curl up in a ball and doomscroll in my bed.

I remember hosting an ex-colleague from that bureau 8 years ago when he was here for two weeks to parachute for his publication (our sister publication that is now folded under us). He often tells me, please don’t tell YKK this, please don’t tell YKK I did that. He grew up and studied in the US so his culture is more aligned with mine than with the bureau manager. He eventually quit and transferred to a US publication that needed coverage of the DMZ. I think he’s back in the US as I saw an article tackling seafood in the West Coast of the US. That bureau lost its reporters one by one until no one is left. They haven’t hired anybody yet and it has been years since they had a reporter on the ground.

She is the problem.

It’s not my being a manager or whatnot. Yes, I have issues with some people in my team but they’re sort of manageable. It’s just that the problem is exacerbated by the kind of manager I had. Even though I have a different manager now, this manager from the land of bubblegum pop still manages to terrorize me. Our other correspondent here gets anxiety attacks as well when YKK edits her stories. She keeps minimal contact with management and courses everything through me, as her former manager.

I’m doing my best not to break down again. I don’t want to lose to someone like her. I mean, sacrificing my livelihood just because of someone like her.

But then, I had been fantasizing about retiring last night even though I still very much love my profession. Going local media is unpalatable at this point because my world will become smaller and I will develop myopia again. My world view will shrink. Then there’s the pay.

I can’t move abroad because I have kids and they’re already developing roots and long-lasting friendships. My mom is also already old and anything might happen.

I’ve been praying until I fell asleep, please Lord, tell me where to go next. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t pray, Lord I want this, I want that because I no longer know what I want. So please, just turn me in the right direction and I will follow.

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Tell me, how can I continue working when I have an officemate like this?!

Nights are definitely getting cooler. It was raining this morning and I had to open my front door to keep the humidity out.

I’ll change my curtains to a more Christmas-themed one after todos los santos (All Saints Day), that is if I still have the energy. I would be driving back and forth to my parents’ hometown in Batangas to attend the 1st death anniversary ceremony (babang luksa) of my aunt/godmother and to indulge my mom who wanted to visit the graves of my grandparents.

I couldn’t have a Christmas tree because of cats. I haven’t had any for five years now because I enjoy having cats more than having a tree that is put up only once a year.

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Yes, I am having a war with our governor. I’ve said my piece on her FB page and everone knows that I think she’s stooooopid.

I asked her if she has consulted Phivolcs or any scientist, the NRRMC…

What’s the scientific basis for this? Do we have emergency tents, mobile kitchens, emergency provisions for evacuation centers so that we don’t have to rely on civil society donations? Will there be building inspections and retrofitting of public buildings while classes are suspended?

And there I had arguments with narrow-minded individuals who do not understand that we already lost 30 days of schooling.

And that the way this announcement was framed was very alarmist. Very ex-ABS-CBN reporter of her.

Then I got bashed for allegedly not watching her stupid “anchoring” of her own announcement. She must have fulfilled her dream of being a news anchor. 🙄 And I said:

Yes, (name of the basher) I watched it and she said her basis of her decision are the comments of the parents on social media. She said she consulted the map of West Valley Fault, but she never said she consulted Phivolcs. We cannot predict earthquakes so we cannot have class suspensions ad infinitum. She never mentioned contingency plans, no mobile kitchens, tents, mobilization of emergency response teams—concrete plans. Pasig has Go bags, mobile kitchens and concrete plans. Governance shouldn’t just be reactionary. Vico (Sotto) just doesn’t suspend classes without consulting scientists at PAGASA and Phivolcs.

But of course, the bashing became ad hominem. So I said:

It’s not wrong to expect ng highest level of governance. I shouldn’t have debt of gratitude because that’s her job, she is receiving her salary from us citzens. The argument here is not whether there shouldn’t be classes or not, it’s the kind of governance that I’m questioning.

And I really can’t contain myself, because we came from the same college and we have the same base science courses (albeit I have more advanced ones because I was in SciComm) but here she comes with a very uneducated decision, just pandered to public opinion and fanned the fears of parents to gain attention through emotional manipulation. VERY, VERY TV culture.

I said:

When you lay down rational and logical arguments, they would slap you with ad hominem like, “If you are so perfect, why don’t you run for office?!” If you ask for accountability, they will throw you, “Ok, then you go transfer to xxx!”

This is the reason why we are not progressing as a nation, our standards are so low, from education to kind of government officials. And no matter how hard you try to lift it from the mud, you will be just down again and be the one shoved on it.

And you say you want change?

Our governor was a reporter at ABS-CBN. Being a student of media studies and as a practitioner myself, I know the culture and values that TV broadcasting has inculcated into shallow people like her.

And I said on my own wall:

Our local government units and DILG just value optics.

It’s so hard when education, health, and other social services are hostaged by politics.

The trouble is, we Filipinos value optics. We were raised by mass media as kingmaker.

Read PCIJ’s ooooold books, especially From Loren to Marimar. I will slap the governor’s and the DILG secretary’s faces with copies of these.

Maybe our college library didn’t have a copy of this that’s why our governor wasn’t able to read it?

P.S. (name of my bff who’s a faculty at our college) tell your student this is the answer to his question, the book Investigating Local Governments

The PS part, it was a reference to my lecture in my bff’s class a week ago. One student asked me how to go about public relations officers of the municipal government who slam the door on student journalists. I told him, if you can’t get to the supposedly primary source, then kill them with data. Know the other routes inside the LGU by talking to other people. Know the different functions and offices of your government, and one of those doors will be an access point.

The pull of academe is strong again.  But I don’t have time.

However, if I go back to part-time teaching, maybe all my frustrations with my work, especially that manager from the land of bubble gum pop, will be counterbalanced by imparting wisdom on the next generation of communicators?

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