This will be a long and difficult soliloquy

So meta, right? Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Let me start off by saying I needed a drink to write this down because this entails eviscerating myself.

I had a long chat over Messenger this afternoon with my friend (friendship dating back when we were 9-10 years old), about family (I know her entire family and their quirks and the generational issues) and how far we have come from where we were 2 years ago. It would be her supposed wedding anniversary tomorrow while it would be my 2nd year as a dumpee.

She told me about how her ex-husband just trashed all the things she has done for him, how she supported him when he had nothing, how she lifted him up because she loved him. However, he said he is happier without her. His insecurities led him to cheating and choosing women who would make him look good because he is superior over them vs my friend who is an overachiever.

I told her, unfortunately, the value you put in all of the things you gave him is not the same value for him–if he valued it at all. That’s how the world works, especially with narcissists, and with her ex-husband, he thought that what she did for him was an obligation and/or he was entitled to it, therefore, has zero value at all.

I told my friend, it’s just like when we adopted this niece (from a cousin) and she lived with us throughout her college life. We treated her like a sister, like a daughter. Then now she talks shit about us, especially on social media. We don’t know what we did to her to earn her hatred but at least she could have just shut up, in deference to how we treated her, right? My older sister said, apparently the value we gave to how we offered her a home and how we made an effort to make her an immediate family to us was zero for her. There are just people who are like that. I’m still hurting over that but what can I do, right?

Just the same with her ex-husband and just the same with my ex.

I remember right after J threw me off the balcony exactly two years ago from tomorrow, I had an interview with a company owner in Thailand he introduced to me. I think we set the interview in early January. That said, my interviewee enjoyed our conversation so much that we had two interview sessions. I took the opportunity to promote J as a good advisor that he should hire. He got so much boost from me—me being stupid, thinking that it was my last act of love towards somebody who I eventually discovered was screwing me over for a very long time, even from the beginning.

What a fool I was.

I thought I had forgiven him. Apparently no.

Because I dreamed about him this morning, but this time, in my dream I was in a quandary about how to kick him out of my house. We just got off the car and he was going ahead of me in some conference we were both supposed to attend. I whispered to a friend that I “still couldn’t do it, you know kicking him out,” but I know I had too because he was already treating me badly and was sucking out my light. The dream ended there.

So my dream was like an allegory of my anger that I still harbor and couldn’t still let go of. I haven’t forgiven him. I don’t want to label this as hate because I don’t want him to have that kind of power over me…because the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Oh I wish to God that I’m already indifferent but I recognize that it is a long process and it’s not easy.

If I were a horrible, vindictive human being, I could have destroyed him because we move in a world where a good reputation is the most important thing, especially if you’re after contracts and high quality networks. This is very much true if you don’t have much of a track record compared to others in the same space. But I just said to myself, I won’t stoop to that level and just let the universe do its thing. Karma comes back biting your ass, I believe.

Besides, he has already destroyed himself within my network by his own doing, dallying with that ex-reporter girl. He underestimated my network, how far my arms can reach, what my ears can hear. He can no longer use my network even if I chose to be quiet because that’s the most dignified thing to do. I just let the universe do its thing.

I was used and I realize now that was from the very beginning. I took it hook, line, and sinker. I believed what I wanted to believe and ignored the red flags. He used baits like “Will you give me a home?” schtick so that I would give him everything that I had, believing he really wanted to be with me. I accepted him for what he was and when he was at his lowest, I tried to give him the world, with all that I had. I supported him with everything—moral, financial, professional…

I recognize and experience that relationships sour and breakups happen. But what I found unacceptable to me were the deceit and the lies. The way he treated me especially in the end. And what makes this healing difficult is that I am trying to live my life quietly but things still come unraveling to me even until February-March this year, about 14-15 months after the breakup. Like, what the fuck?! What did I do to deserve this?! He just kept throwing all these curve balls on purpose. Typical narc.

All I did was to love unconditionally, but loved the wrong person. Very wrong person. Now I don’t have anything left to give to anybody and I don’t think I have the energy and love left. I realized that love is not infinite.

So healing is not linear. You go take one step forward, two steps back many times in the course of this wretched stage. At the same time you are forced to “adult”. If I were still a theater actress now, I know I would be able to bring more depth and gravity to the characters I will play because I finally know now how it is to die and come back from the dead. Well, for me that’s how the past two years felt like. I died and come back from the dead several times.

Through this past two years, I learned how invaluable professional therapy is. Not just the woo woo group therapy (those New Agey things). You know, grief messes you up and chemically, your body changes and it short-circuits you. As my doctor said, it’s trauma and left unaddressed, the short-circuiting continues. Long Covid didn’t help either. Depression and anxiety are not trivial. It’s not a sign of being weak and/or lack of faith in God. Some people are predisposed to it due to heredity, environment, and/or it’s just how they tick. I realized that I’m an empath and I absorb the slings and arrows of everything and everyone around me–that’s why I have the double whammy. Artists (even not good artists like me) are prone to such things—the twin evil named depression and anxiety. That’s where we get our mojo. That’s why I could draw better when I was down and out. I could write the most heartfelt piece when I hurt. We draw our power from our gut and as a consequence we expose our innards only to get bruised more.

J may not understand what I went through and would think that I had just been melodramatic if he only knew (so that’s why it was really better for me to be scarce and disappear), but that again boils down to how differently we valued the relationship and one another. To him, I was just a tool and a means for him to reach his goals, one step at a time; for me, he was my world—at that time. So again, he would never understand.

So in summary, the past two years had been a long difficult process. It was walking through fire barefoot. It was like having an odontectomy but local anesthesia does not work (and yes, this literally happens to me). It was like battling with a Balrog in the depths of Moria, dying and coming back as a white Maiar, bleached by pain and death.

But bouncing back as a more powerful wizard.

I have found my inner strength and a new-found love for myself. I had found my voice again.

I may not be shiny and effervescent like those big-boobed women who go bar-hopping and post their night life on social media to prove that they have attractive, “meaningful” lives. I am also not a high-powered woman executive that command thousands of people with a snap of her fingers.

I am just me.

I can be charming if I wanted to be. I am intelligent and there are no dull conversations with me, if I wanted to. But most importantly, I can offer a warm home with lots of love and care, where someone can belong and grow roots. Because anywhere with me is home—that’s the best I can give to anyone.

And J just doesn’t appreciate that. He is the wrong person.

Soon, I would just wake up and say, “Who was he again?” That’s the best indication of indifference I hope to achieve.

Torture

I found forever on EDSA. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I spent half of my day yesterday just driving. 🤦‍♀️ Only 14km roundtrip but it felt like 120km.

I went to Greenhills to have my daughter’s phone repaired (cracked LCD) and to buy a door knob for my room here in the apartment. OMG! It’s horrific out there!

It was so exhausting that I fell asleep on my bed with my lights on. 🫠

Meanwhile, I’m trying to sell my iPad 9 with 256GB ROM to my bro since I want to shift to Samsung Galaxy Tab S8. Ipad 9’s screen is too big for me whereas Samsung’s Tab S8 can be held by one hand. Plus iPad’s RAM is 3GB vs Samsung’s 8GB RAM.

I just lightly used this because it was just too big. I didn’t use the power brick and cord because I knew eventually I would have to sell this. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Can be a semi-laptop replacement. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I told my bro that all the accessories are included like the pen and two covers, one of the covers is a keyboard combo that makes it more viable for him to be a laptop replacement when he has meetings and so on.

I tried using it as a laptop replacement but it just doesn’t cut it. The only time I was able to use it as such was when I tweaked (at my mom’s house) and read my speech during last August’s graduation rites of my undergrad college.

I could barely use it for work because it was too big to chuck in my handbag. Might as well bring my full-powered laptop with me if I still need to bring another bag.

When I travel, I find myself still reaching for my phone to scroll through IG and watch Youtube videos. It takes two hands to be able to watch anything on this iPad.

OS upgrades until 2026, security updates until 2027 or 2028.

But I’m still on a fence here since parts for iPads are easier to get here (albeit the generic ones from some Shenzen factory) than for Samsung Tabs. Resale value also lower for Android tablets.

But if I buy it now, S8 comes with a free slim case with keyboard.

I’ll visit a Samsung store to check it out before I let go of the iPad.


Hmmm so it seems like the world is conspiring against me. The Tab S8 in brick and mortar stores no longer offer the bundled keyboard case because it was a promo until supplies last. 😵‍💫

In other domestic developments, I finally have a door knob after destroying my door when my kitties were locked inside.

The carpenters had to put body fillers to repair the door. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The workers have to sand this down tomorrow so to make the surface smooth and for the new coat of paint to stick.

I now have a functional door lock after months of making do with a barrel lock and a duct taped hole. 🥴

Trees

After a restless night (as expected) I left the dorm at 11 to check out my house and bring the Christmas gifts to the workers and wine to my contractor.

Well, it’s a slow progress but I could see that the construction is not haphazard and it’s high quality.

As my daughter, Twin I, requested, she gets a hotel-like vibe for the bathroom.

Huge rain shower head. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Granite lavatory counter. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The floor drains do not look like floor drains, you know, the ones without the grills so they blend in with the floor.

And I have a bright, light-filled room. The insulation installed above the ceiling brought down the temperature even if I would be directly hit by morning sunlight.

So bright. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I guess I would be forced to wake up early because it’s so bright. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Big enough pantry cabinet. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
The drywall in the girls’ room is complete. Their room is twice as big as mine. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
I need to cut the tree branches to let the light in the dining area. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

After a visit to my house, I decided to eat in a restaurant tucked away at the foot of the mountain in campus. To have a different view. To see trees.

Greenery outside the restaurant. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
View from my table during lunch. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Time to go back to the city. 😭 Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Christmas in the city. On the way to Hilton Manila.

And I just finished an ambush interview with the CEO of a listed conglomerate. Why? I don’t know. I’m supposed to be on leave 🤦‍♀️

Home but not home

Ah EDSA, how do I hate thee? Photo by CallMeCreation.com

On the way to my appointment in BGC…

I left after lunch and it only took me 1 hr and 30 mins to reach my hometown. Travel time from QC to BGC? Almost the same 😑

As spartan as it can be. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I checked into my Airbnb to drop off my stuff that I can’t leave inside the car unattended. This Airbnb is really a student dorm. But since college classes are not yet full face-to-face, some dorm rooms had to be let out to short-term renters.

I had an early dinner with my best friend and we had non-stop gabfest for two hours. Then went to visit another friend at her apartment to bring gifts and spent another 2 hrs talking with her.

After that, I had coffee (wellll, it’s tea actually) with my sis-in-law at Starbucks and talked until the coffee shop was closing.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com

And now I’m back to my sad dorm life 🤣

Dorm courtyard. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Only a few students are here. It’s kinda lonely. Although it’s better probably because college students are looouuuuddddddd!

Let’s see if I can have my walk around campus tomorrow before I go to my house.

More projects

Recycled grocery paper bags. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My hands became restless so I wrapped some gifts for family and friends that I will be bringing to my hometown tomorrow.

I didn’t want to waste paper that will just add to our humongous trash problem so I’ve been recycling things. Aside from paper bags, I’ve been recycling my old business cards from a decade ago and use them as backing for the gift tags that I printed out.

Then I tried my hand again at painting sakura closeups.

I chucked this one because it didn’t turn out well. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
Tried again. Still waiting for it to dry. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com

But it seems like I’m losing my mojo again.

It’s the end of the year and there are still a ton of things I must do like staff evaluation and self-reviews. That’s the most annoying part about my job: the admin work. Even though I’m already technically on leave, there’s this nagging voice at the back of my brain that says I must work on this now. But my body says I should relax and leave stress behind.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe that dinner with my best friend tomorrow night will improve my state of mind.

Since my mom’s house is still on a lockdown, I booked an Airbnb in my hometown (which sounds absurd to me now) so I can spend the night there because the next day I have a dinner party with a listed company at Hilton, near the airport. So might as well be efficient with my trips and it will be easier to drive to Hilton from south then continue to drive to QC instead of driving from QC to Hilton then to QC again. <<<< This sounds horrific these days.

After my lunch meeting tomorrow, I will drive to hometown, check my house construction and bring my pendant lights and kitchen utensil railings that will be drilled underneath the overhead kitchen cabinets. I will also distribute the food baskets that I bought for the construction workers…something to augment their noche buena meal on Christmas Eve. Times are tough; a little blessing goes a long way for such workers.

You see, I’ve been very blessed, despite the shit I’ve been through the past 2 years. It’s my way of giving back to the universe that has been kind to me in some ways. I don’t forget the privilege that I have. I’m a single parent who can still afford to send my children to school, clothe and feed them, and have just enough to spend for our needs and wants. A lot of people are not in that position. Many struggle and find partners so that they would have somebody to share that financial burden with. Many get stuck in bad relationships because it’s hard to go solo financially.

I don’t have to, thank God.

Besides I’m not the type who will find a partner because of financial reasons. The thought just makes me nauseous. And I don’t think anyone would bother with me because I’m already old; relationship for convenience applies only to younger women and fuckbois.

Oh fuck bois. 🙄

How I hate thee.

And it’s done

Ceiling lamps on 50% off. This one is for my bathroom. Photo by CallMeCreation.com.

Yes. Finally bought ceiling lamps. And they’re a lot cheaper than what I initially planned. I let my kids choose the lamps. These lamps above would go to my bathroom.

The other one, albeit another variant of the one pictured below which has pendants that are hanging at same level, would go to my dining area.

This one is meant for a corner so the one we chose is similar to this but they are on a track and at the same level. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

I changed the bulbs from the inefficient 40-watt Edison bulb to the power saving 7-watt daylight LED bulbs.

I paid PHP 6,000+ for the two sets plus LED bulbs, which was already a very good price for the lot.

The other candidates that my kids initially chose were:

It just had too many bulbs for a four-seater dining table. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
This also has too many bulbs. Photo by CallMeCreation.com
These look nice but would be better for a 6 or an 8-seater dining table. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

The girls initially wanted something like this in the kitchen area but I shot it down because I want track lights so each bulb can be a spotlight on the kitchen counter. It’s easier to cook when there’s a dedicated task light for that.

Photo by CallMeCreation.com
Photo by CallMeCreation.com

My contractor sent me this photo of my fusebox and the pantry shelves below it.

Pantry shelves.

They’re installing insulators before they seal the ceiling so that I won’t be roasting in my bedroom by summer. My room faces east and it receives direct sunlight.

Insulators first.

Because I’m in the mood to spend, I indulged again and went to ArtWhale. Before I leave QC, I think I must complete my Holbein half-pans.

Each tiny pan is as expensive as a 15ml tube of gouache or oil. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

Meanwhile, I was feeling a little bit creative tonight…

It’s beginning to look like a close-up of a sakura blossom. Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com
It’s messy but it is still a work in progress. Photo by CallMeCreation.com

This is what’s difficult with watercolor: once it’s there, it’s there. You can’t erase a spill if it’s already set on paper and you’re too slow in catching it while it’s still wet. You only have a few seconds then it’s forever there. Unlike in oil you can use thinning agents or paint it over with white. Same with gouache. With watercolor… You’re doomed with your mistakes.

So I have to be creative with how I can disguise this bleeding (which came from my fingers because the new shadow green Holbein pan bled all over my hand). 😒

UPDATE

Not the most elegant way to hide bleeding but what can I do? Art and photo by CallMeCreation.com