Loud meowing outside my bedroom door at 5:30 am. On a Sunday morning. Because she wanted pets. Awww kitty…

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I was awakened early today because…

My aunt/godmother died early this morning. On my mother’s birthday. My godmother is my mom’s eldest sister.

I had to miss my mom’s 75th birthday dinner party.

I drove all the way to QC to be my cousin’s (who is like a sister to me) emotional support/personal assistant since she can’t drive long distances because of distress and lack of sleep. I packed her personal belongings because we will be holding the funeral at St. Peter’s and then bring my godmother to their hometown in Batangas after two days. But for now, I gave my cousin melatonin tablets so she can sleep and rest.

I will be driving back and forth several cities tomorrow to arrange the death certificate and other logistical issues before the body can be ready for viewing and so internment arrangements can be made…

I’ve been here before.

When my dad died 19 years ago, I was the only one functional in our family. I was the one who arranged the funeral, the death certification, the death notice in newspaper (required when fixing the estate for the heirs), and the cremation. I did the grocery shopping for the supplies and food & drinks during the funeral. All the practical stuff. My mom was just floating then—she wasn’t on earth at that time so it fell on me to do those things. My brother was lucid but he has a young family then so he can’t really be hands-on when it comes to the nitty-gritty stuff. My sisters were too distraught.

I was just powered by adrenalin and only slept for a total of 5 hrs that week (or something like that). I was 25 years old then, still young so my body could take that kind of abuse.

But my cousin is 45, she needs all the help she can have, especially rest.

So now it’s early evening and we’re already tucked in bed. We are going to have a looooong day tomorrow.

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
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He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
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he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
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Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, [1] I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

I thought I saw white hair strands when I was looking at the mirror tonight. I double checked and triple checked… It was just the reflection of the lamplight on my black hair.

I was surprised by my reaction; I didn’t imagine that I would panic at the sight of white hair. I thought I wasn’t bothered about ageing—except for the backpain that came with it—but I guess I was wrong. I did care about how it would affect the color of my hair. I don’t know why it did.

You see, I like myself now better than I was in my 20s and 30s. I am turning 45 in three weeks and I feel like this age is pivotal. Not young but not old. I have wisened up but I’m still just winging it in life. I still haven’t figured it out and I just make stuff up as I go along.

I feel like life is just starting for me. I’m not physically tied anymore to my infants, toddlers, or pre-schoolers. I no longer have to stress about my school graders. I finally have my own thing as my now-teenaged kids have theirs. I am no longer tied and held back by a partner.

I’m still young. I have yet to do many things.

I think I panicked when I mistakenly saw white hair strands because that is the signal that I am indeed old. Maybe the inner me rejects the idea that I am old, that I can’t do anything else, and that I am now limited in terms of what I can do. That is one half of what makes me scared about ageing—I’m afraid of limits, of being boxed in or pigeonholed. Because women of certain age are boxed in or pigeonholed by society. I am deathly afraid of that ceiling that is/will be put over me.

I want to have Iris Apfel’s spirit—she didn’t let age stop her from pursuing life. At age 97 she was signed on as a model by IMG because she was so much sought after by so many brands.

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I want to think that age is just a number, ageing is all in the mind.

My back, however, disagrees.

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Here is Nicole Kidman and Jimmy Fallon, on national television, talking about how clueless and stupid Jimmy was.

Jimmy was told by a mutual friend that he will bring Nicole Kidman to his NY apartment because she wants to talk to him, maybe for Bewitched. This was a time Jimmy was still in SNL. The idiot didn’t know what to do. Was told to buy brie cheese and crackers and that’s it.

Nicole, on the other hand, liked Jimmy and the mutual friend was trying to fix them up. Jimmy had no idea.

So here they were in his apartment, Jimmy didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say, so he put on a video game and played!

Nicole said, OMG, this is not going anywhere—no chemistry, no he didn’t like me, I’m embarrassed—and that is that.

Jimmy said, wait—did I just go on a date with Nicole Kidman?!

Idiot, yes!

On national TV, Jimmy wanted to die and melt into the floor. 🤣

But I don’t fault him. I was in his position when I was in college. I was so shy in front of this guy I stalked for so long and my friends and I are still talking about this like it was yesterday. 🤣

Let’s call him Benj, a biology major. He was the reason why I always had hung out in my mom’s building and spent inordinate time with my bio major friends. I memorized his schedule—well some of his classes—and knew he would pass by at 3 pm in front of the bio bldg to go home to his apartment. So I had hung out at the lobby where there were benches and sat there so I could see him. I often was with my bffs at that time and sometimes with my guy bff but normally I would push him away so we won’t be mistaken as my bf. I did that for several semesters. The time slots changed, but still the same modus operandi.

One of my bffs was classmates with him in one Humanities or English subject, I can’t remember now. I often fetched this bff from this class so I could just have a glimpse of my crush.

A brother from my Greek-letter organization was roommates with him. One time he orchestrated my meeting with Benj. We were in front of the Humanities building and my brod introduced me to Benj. Like it was a well-planned meeting, a really carefully staged one. After I was introduced, I was so shy that I couldn’t say anything at all and I ran away! The idiot me just literally ran away! Maybe I said I had football practice or something.

My brod was flabbergasted and asked “me what did you do?!” when we met later. I said, I don’t know! I was just so shy that I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

During my last semester in college, I was finally classmates with Benj in one general ed class. I sat infront of him. I couldn’t bring myself to reintroduce myself to him because I was still so shy with him—and him alone. Our professor then knew my dad because he used to teach this very same subject before his early retirement due to his diabetic foot. “Ah you’re the daughter of ____,” our prof said during the first day.

So Benj should have known my name. But I still couldn’t bring myself to talk to him. The whole semester my back was just very conscious of his presence.

All my friends were already frustrated with me. The loud, confident me has been reduced to a tongue-tied idiot in the presence of this guy. The only person who reduced me into one big puddle on the ground.

Decades later, my friends and I still couldn’t find him on social media…

Oh wait, I just found him! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

He’s a doctor now in a southern city. Still married with two boys. Well good for him. Haha!

He has noooooo idea.

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Ooooh damn, I want to try this but I think I will die.

French cuisine eaten in a farm in Cavite. The cooking methods are simple enough but the ingredients are hard to obtain here in the Philippines.

Authentic French food in the Philippines found in Cavite

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I would have done the same. Same same.

Karmina, you go, girl! A journalist excoriating a lying politician on air. It’s *chef’s kiss*

I once did that to an incumbent minister/department secretary during the Q&A of a conference I was moderating. The official didn’t *like* me after that and I was marked as anti-government. I didn’t take it badly; I’m just doing my job as a journalist by asking the tough questions. If I didn’t do it, then who will?

Seeing the list of senator candidates now makes me want to puke. I forgot to register for the May 2025 elections because it is not a priority in life right now. Deadline was yesterday. Just seeing who the Filipinos will vote for (as shown by the SWS survey) makes me hate my country now.

Leni, Bam, Kiko and Chel didn’t enter the top 12, the available seats for this upcoming elections. 😩

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I’m having my glasses fixed changed because I broke it. Damn. It cracked where the screws were supposed to hold the lenses. That was an Ann Taylor frame and it wasn’t cheap. Now I had to get one Mango frame that was on sale…

Update: WTF! They ordered the wrong eyeglass lenses and contact lenses! No wonder I was nauseous. It was gadawful trying to drive out of the parking area with the wrong prescription lenses. Gave me so much eyestrain and I have an oncoming headache.

I had to turn back and demand that they change my contacts and my eyeglasses.

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So many green flags.

He knows his fantasy literature! I mean, yes, Robert Jordan ✅ David Gemmel (which I have yet to read) ✅ and I didn’t catch the other three authors.

There’s nothing sexier than a man who reads a lot.

Traffic today during morning rush hour is not that bad. The bottleneck is just at Skyway due to repairs + high volume of cars going into Metro Manila.

I have a full day today until evening. October (well, technically is still September) is very busy month for me.

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My sister messaged me at 9 am yesterday and told me instead of going to Makati on Tue to shop, we should do it that day and just drive to Nuvali. With me driving.

Ok I said, fine, I will finally buy that Acerpure air circulator that I had been hankering for because my living area + kitchen is not ventilated well. I still have to have that giant front door screened. Giant accordion screen doors are manufactured in Metro Manila and I’m still figuring it out how to order and have it installed.

Anyway, here it is, the air circulator that finally had the hot humid air in my living area moving. It makes the area cooler and I no longer have to bring out another electric fan when I have several people over for dinner.

According to Anson’s website, “with an efficient DC motor, the minimum airflow power consumption is just 1.65W.” Compared to the standard fan with power consumption of 65W, this purchase is a big win.

I can also plug this into a Jackery or Ecoflow battery/power station during power outages. I don’t like rechargeable fans because they may cause electrical fire. One of the Big Mama rechargeable fans we brought over from the QC apartment short-circuited. Those really were bad purchases. Bad reasons, bad results.

We bought the rechargeable fans in Cash & Carry Makati when we were threatened with a super typhoon and I was panicking and worried about how in the world will I keep J from complaining about the heat because there will be no aircon when the power goes out. But the super typhoon got diverted and passed through Southern Tagalog instead of hitting Metro Manila directly so the power didn’t go out as expected.

Imagine that—he was always on top of my worries and his welfare was my priority. And what did I get???

Ah never mind.

I think the best combination during power outages are a DC fan and a rechargeable power station (it’s like a giant power bank) that some portable solar power generators use.

The height can be adjusted (just remove or add the extra neck) so you can make it into a desk fan or a standfan.

I bought another one (as a standfan) for my Demolition Twins’ room so that the air is distributed when their aircon is on at night. They don’t have to fight over the aircon because one girl is allegedly hogging all the cold air since the air swing function is now wonky.

This is on sale now on Ansons website for PHP 4,999.

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