I am in awe and also envious of his skill. After watching a couple of Hahn videos, I suddenly want to make leather bags. Seriously.

Before Covid, I had been seeing on Instagram some leather craft workshops that I wanted to attend. But I was thinking I couldn’t fit it into my life because I was with J at that time and attending to his wants and needs already took up 80% of my time. I had no time for hobbies or down time for myself.

Now that I don’t have that kind of issues anymore, I will try the workshops once I’m done moving houses.

Once I have the skills and confidence, I will try to upcycle some leather bags here that have lost their luster or sustained damage. It’s exciting to learn skills like this because it would allow me to create with my hands something beautiful and practical. It will also help me de-stress.

Meanwhile, I brought Twin I to the ENT because of excessive nose bleeding. While past tests showed that nothing was wrong with her (her aplastic frontal sinus does not contribute to the nose bleeding, the doctor said), we are still going to double check what exactly is going on. She will have an nasal endoscopy at Delos Santos Medical hopefully in the next two weeks and either she will only have local anesthesia or we need to sedate her if it’s going to be difficult to keep her still. We just have to get rid of her cough and colds this week, which may have caused her to have more frequent nosebleeding.

But the initial diagnosis for now is her allergies are keeping her sinuses inflamed all the time. The doctor said (as several pediatricians have told me) that nose bleeding is pretty common for her age.

“Do you have pets?” he asked.

“Yes, two cats.”

“Oh, is there a way we can remove the allergens?”

“NOOO! They’re like my children as well,” I protested.

“Then Twin I just have to wear mask at all times around the cats.”

He said that there is no need to bring her to the ER as long as we pinch her nose and the bleeding stops in 30 mins.

I told my twins that they should stay away from the cats from now on. Stop irritating the cats.

I think I will have a bigger problem when we transfer to our new house. My hometown is hell for those suffering from asthma and allergic rhinitis because of all the trees that flower every summer and the year-round pollen showers.

I wonder how I survived with all those allergens around me while growing up.

I just cooked spaghetti in white sauce for brunch and did the usual cat chores. That’s it. I napped. I just wanted to be brainless.

I didn’t want to be an adult today. My brain was fried yesterday and I didn’t want to think too much or exert effort.

I still refused to be an adult so I decided to just have bibimbap at Bulgogi Garden along Kalayaan Ave. They have closed down the barbecue restaurant above the grocery store and they just serve the fast dishes within the store premises. Twin A just stayed at home because she didn’t want to change out of her house clothes.

My bibimbap is much better than this, to be honest. My gochujang-based sauce is spicier than this. 😑 If tomorrow my mood improves, I will try to make gyudon.

It was just supposed to be an uneventful day but then I saw on my IG feeds the year-ago post I did. It was about the three ginger kittens we found here in the compund and have successfully found adoptive families.

Then it struck me: It was exactly a year ago today when I received a painting from J and learned about the truth that I had been suspecting all along. It was exactly a year ago today that I almost had another breakdown because of that. It was a good thing that I was already in therapy when that happened.

Because of the excruciating pain, I was bereft of words and the only way to express it was through drawing. I couldn’t sleep. I was figuratively bleeding internally but there was no way I could make myself rest and stem the bleeding. My hands needed to do something. Then I just found myself drawing the image from my PC’s wallpaper. My drawing was perfect in the sense that it captured what I was feeling. I struggled to find the words but my hands found a way to tell my friends that I was already dying inside.

Because I hurt so much, I rediscovered that lost skill I had when I was in high school. I had to die to make my art live again.

That episode a year ago also pushed me to make my plan of building a small home a reality.

I’ve come a long way from 4 Feb 2022, when I got triggered and had anxiety attacks. When I was in my car, screaming at my friend on my phone, telling her about all the truth I had confirmed. I was having palpitations, I was blacking out with rage while I was screaming at her.

She said, screaming back at me, “You are still a whole person. You are still you. Don’t you ever, ever forget about that!”

I wrote last year that it would be the last time I would cry over that person. I still haven’t and I will forever keep that promise.

I had taken down his colored-marker drawing of Istanbul that same day. I told myself, I will make my own art that I will hang on my walls.

I’m still keeping that promise as well.

I didn’t do what I set out to do, like start and finish a feature story that our Japan team is supposed to promote next week. I was drowning in hiring issues (interviews with candidates ate up a lot of my time, too). Then I had to help out in inviting courting executives of Southeast Asian conglomerates (Thailand, Vietnam, Indonesia, and Singapore) to speak in our upcoming conference🫠As this is a flagship event that is under my region, I am conscripted to do this.

To make matters worse, I was editing until almost 8 pm since an editor in London didn’t want to deal with a story that one of their reporters wrote… And after I labored over this badly written one, the journo didn’t have the courtesy of sending back the story with proper revisions. These guys really look down on us here in Asia, thinking that we have zero English journalism skills. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I just… melted. 🫠🫠🫠🫠

To rest my brain, I translated to piano a Breaking Benjamin song and kept playing it until the weariness lifted from me.

My kids are sick. I’m tired.

I don’t want to adult tomorrow.