I had drinks with my industry friend, L, at Uva Wine Bar last Saturday night. She dropped by my apartment first to see my girls and off we went for non-stop gabfest over three cheese pizza and craft beer.

At one point, our conversation drifted to our common friend M and we talked about her conversation with him about his rich parents. His parents had been separated for a long time but never got around to having an annulment because his dad didn’t want to sign the papers, thinking that the mom was just playing hard-to-get. The mom told the ex-husband, OK I will get back together with you but you have to turn over all your assets to me. Of course the dad didn’t so that’s the end of that. Clever mom.

I remember M telling me that I remind him of his mom, since we’re both strong women who single-handedly raised the children while living a fruitful life on our own. She’s the mom who would just fly to Switzerland because she wanted to hike. Or she would travel with friends or just do a solo travel because she can. She didn’t find it necessary to have a partner just because she’s not afraid of being alone.

But his dad was a different creature. He was the one who had infidelity issues (got caught cheating by his own son/M’s brother) and never seemed to have grown up. He had a long-time socialite gf but never committed to marriage until she left him. Now the dad asked M to figure out a way so that the dad and his mom will get back together. The dad told M that his mom might still be in-love with him because she never had another partner or remarried. But of course M knows it’s the farthest from the truth since he knows that his mom is done with crap and enough is enough for her. He knows that mom is happy with her life.

L told M, nhooooooo, your dad is so wrong! That’s not the way how we think! Just because women have not embarked on another relationship after a breakup does not mean we are still pining after the ex. It’s just that we are 1) enjoying our freedom; 2) do not need to have a partner to be fulfilled; 3) taking our time so that we won’t be picking another asshole. Well, this is true in general, especially for strong independent women, but of course not for all.

M told L, yeah right, my dad is such as narc. He is just afraid of growing old alone that’s why he’s being like this about my mom, M said.

L and I then talked about how men and women think differently. Men who have become divorced or widowed are 90% likely to have another partner because they cannot live alone; somebody else always has to take care of them. Women, on the other hand, can stay single, especially if they have the capacity to earn, when they get widowed or divorced. This is anecdotal on my and L’s part but maybe I’ll search for the empirical data on this later.

I wonder if my exes think that I’m still in love with them (if they still bother to know/research) because I still don’t have a partner years after breaking up, especially since I was the one who was the aggrieved party. 😂 I haven’t thought about that until this conversation with L.

That’s so narcissistic! And M (during a separate session with him at Uva before) agreed that male narcs think that their exes still pine after them and are very into the thought that they might still occupy a huge real estate on their exes’ minds. Of course, he is speaking as a son of a narc and as a guy.

L and I laughed at this because it was so silly. I told L that, yeah, I still write about exes but it’s more of a garbage in, garbage out kind of thing. Sort of like a regular purging then I go on with the daily grind. Besides, I’m allowed to write about it because the trauma is still there. I may still be angry but it’s no longer a central theme. I told L that yeah, there was a time I entertained the thought of allowing some guys enter my protective wall, tried chatting, but it was like—it didn’t feel right. One guy was particularly attentive but I didn’t show any interest. He once remarked that he didn’t believe in dating apps because it’s better to meet people during personal encounters, “just like this.” I could have taken the hint, I could have made a move to show I was interested to take this casual meeting to another level. I could have followed up, like hey I’m in town, maybe we could grab a drink with so and so, but I told myself, nah, I wouldn’t want to exert that kind of effort. The most that we did was we connected on FB and IG after we met. If he likes me enough, he would do more. We’re just content looking at each other’s IG Stories. Hahahahaha! That’s the thing with IG, you see who looks at your Stories.

I figured I am happy with this freedom that I have and that I no longer have to consider somebody else in every action or decision I make. I get lonely at times because I had a hard day or I was low on serotonin (and I have a history of sinking into episodes when trauma response is activated) but that is not enough for me to seek a partner or worse, try to get back together with the two recent exes.

Like M’s mom, I said enough is enough.

L said that she has learned that she also feels the same way and that she became comfortable with her single-blessedness. And research shows that single women are the happiest sub-group of people.

And just like M’s mom, I will go to Switzerland to hike if I feel like it. Because I can.

Where to go today when I have difficulty breathing and tucking in my coughs?

Well, we ended up in a cafe nearby. I wanted to see art and have something to eat = Art Circle Cafe in Bahay ng Alumni in UP.

After the bullshit work week I had, I need to recharge. My spirit was dying.

We walked to the Lagoon to burn the calories we consumed at the cafe and to breathe in “fresh” air. Twin A went around to take photos using my Fujifilm digicam. Twin I was…somewhere. They’re almost teenagers so they can be on their own. They’re already taking the tricycle to go to the Kumon center by themselves.

My mood lifted up. Art and trees can do wonders for me. This week just drained me of my mojo. I’ve had too many skirmishes with my boss and there was just so much on my plate.

I do things extra because I can. But there’s a certain point that I reach the end of the line. Enough is enough.

I got slammed today by APAC boss because somebody else dropped the ball. I did some things so that their asses will not catch fire, to protect them, and also to protect my sources. In the end I get the lambasted for doing the right thing. Later on my boss recognized it and says she understood.

I got slammed for interviewing “non-pedigreed” candidates. I told her, when I was undergoing the hiring process myself, I was falling in and out of the writing test with the former bureau chief, I didn’t have the pedigree of being from a world-renowned media company—but here I am. That’s why I’m giving them a chance because somebody gave me a chance.

For me, everybody is trainable as long as you have the gumption, the drive, and the willingness to learn and do the hard work. We hired somebody with “pedigree” but he turned out to be a dud, the laziest of the bunch. That’s why I believe that what is on paper does not translate to performance.

I told one candidate this afternoon that if you’re really into this niche segment, I can take you in as a freelancer and train you until you get the hang of it. She applied for the junior role despite having a master’s degree on financial journalism on scholarship from UK because she wants to build up her experience in hardcore finance reporting. But since I know my superiors will not give her a chance, I said this is the best I can offer you and if you are stellar in your performance, I can push for a full-time position for you.

Everyday this week has been a constant argument with them. They’re not listening.

And amid all this, I still need to meet my monthly KPIs and more management chores.

Then I got a message from the founder of a publication (that we can call competition) who is looking for an editor. I said, yeah sure we can talk, and I gave him my WhatsApp number. Not that I intend to jump to them because they have a lot of issues, but I just want to use them as leverage. I can campaign for a raise with my bosses, so even if for a little bit of the time that I will stay with this company, I can replenish my savings faster. And I can also haggle for much higher salary in my next job and can take my time applying for that so that I will not be jumping into a worse situation because I’m just being hormonal. But I don’t think I can stay for another two to three years with them if things remain as is. But I bet on my outlook that things will get worse. I mean, the reviews of the parent company on Glassdoor are not that glowing. The reviews were on-point actually.

Enough is enough.

This photo sums up my day.

Twin I’s results came back last Monday night and it indicated she doesn’t have pneumonia. Just really bad flu.

I got the more resistant one.

Diarrhea, runny nose, a lot of sneezing, body pain, scratchy throat, very bad cough leading to asthma. I think I ran out of Covid test kits here. Do I need to bother? Maybe I should.

While I was interviewing a candidate I was coughing so bad that he may have felt so sorry for me.

I have two more interviews tomorrow. I can’t just take a sick leave since one editor is on leave and we’re really undermanned.

I have to get well quickly because I will have to fly to Singapore in two weeks.

Rest.

I just want to sleep.

I’m sick.

I have a million things on my plate but here I am, sniffling and coughing. My lungs hurt. I have a presentation to the commercial team, a press briefing, an interview with a freelancer tomorrow, and other things that I keep losing track of in my emails.

And I was fighting with my APAC boss this afternoon.

I just want to sleep. Rest.

I can’t drive this weekend to check my house.

I feel an asthma attack coming in a few hours.

There’s this tug-of-war inside of me that puts me in this difficult position.

I love what I’m doing as a journalist and editor. I like to mentor others. I love picking the brains of executives and learn a lot of things, about sectors or niche areas that I don’t normally encounter—things like sustainable aviation fuels and the feedstock for those. Just today, the exec I was interviewing said our conversation is thought-provoking because I asked things that he has not even thought about. Now that I sparked an idea, he has to delve into these things more closely, like vertical integration of some businesses or some strategies for the horizontals.

The thing is I don’t like my company’s parent company. This is the difficulty when you get acquired; you have no say about the changes and this is not what you have signed up for when you first joined the company. The system has gone bad, which is why I lose people and it’s hard to hire.

I saw a job ad on LinkedIn that matches my qualifications and it’s mid-senior level and completely remote, in the sense I can work anywhere in Asia. It also has regional travels. While I can do the communication campaigns and strategy, it’s not exactly the thing I love to do. It’s not an issue of comfort level since I know I can do it. It’s just that my heart is not into it.

And life is too short to be doing things that you don’t like or love.

My ex-boss here in local media left the industry to head a department of one institution and thought he could wing it with his MBA. But he didn’t like what he was doing and some feedback I got from other people who have worked with him indicated that he messed up. So now he wants to go back to our industry but senior level positions are rare. VERY rare. I’m afraid of turning into what he has become–that I will mess up because I don’t like what I’m doing. That I got out of the frying pan and went straight into the fire.

Now that I’m interviewing candidates for the job openings under my team, I am sensitive to whether the candidates just want to escape the current employment or they genuinely like or are interested in covering what we cover. One candidate I interviewed just wants to come back to Singapore after finishing her master’s degree in broadcasting and film production. I asked her, how can she reconcile that fact that what we do is very different from what she pursued for her higher degree? She said she learned now that broadcasting and film will not feed her because that industry is unstable. I immediately put her in the bottom of the pile because what we do is very difficult and if she doesn’t like it, she will have difficulty staying afloat. Chances are she will quit in 6 months. She will just use us as her ticket to come back to Singapore.

Another candidate just wants to get out of her current company because I heard rumors about that media entity that they’re not that great, to put it mildly.

That will be the same for me when I apply for this job posting on LinkedIn. My heart will not be into it as I’m just looking for a way to escape the annoying parent company. It will show during my prospective interviews. So basically I would be wasting my time and the hiring company’s time.

So I don’t know.

But this stream of consciousness I’m doing—THIS—verbalizing it is making things a bit clearer. The more I am writing about this now, the more that my heart says I pass up this job opportunity because it is not yet THE ONE.

I know being choosy has risks, especially that I’m in mid-senior to senior roles now. But choosing peace of mind is not at all petty, no?