Where to go today when I have difficulty breathing and tucking in my coughs?

Well, we ended up in a cafe nearby. I wanted to see art and have something to eat = Art Circle Cafe in Bahay ng Alumni in UP.

After the bullshit work week I had, I need to recharge. My spirit was dying.

We walked to the Lagoon to burn the calories we consumed at the cafe and to breathe in “fresh” air. Twin A went around to take photos using my Fujifilm digicam. Twin I was…somewhere. They’re almost teenagers so they can be on their own. They’re already taking the tricycle to go to the Kumon center by themselves.

My mood lifted up. Art and trees can do wonders for me. This week just drained me of my mojo. I’ve had too many skirmishes with my boss and there was just so much on my plate.

I do things extra because I can. But there’s a certain point that I reach the end of the line. Enough is enough.

I got slammed today by APAC boss because somebody else dropped the ball. I did some things so that their asses will not catch fire, to protect them, and also to protect my sources. In the end I get the lambasted for doing the right thing. Later on my boss recognized it and says she understood.

I got slammed for interviewing “non-pedigreed” candidates. I told her, when I was undergoing the hiring process myself, I was falling in and out of the writing test with the former bureau chief, I didn’t have the pedigree of being from a world-renowned media company—but here I am. That’s why I’m giving them a chance because somebody gave me a chance.

For me, everybody is trainable as long as you have the gumption, the drive, and the willingness to learn and do the hard work. We hired somebody with “pedigree” but he turned out to be a dud, the laziest of the bunch. That’s why I believe that what is on paper does not translate to performance.

I told one candidate this afternoon that if you’re really into this niche segment, I can take you in as a freelancer and train you until you get the hang of it. She applied for the junior role despite having a master’s degree on financial journalism on scholarship from UK because she wants to build up her experience in hardcore finance reporting. But since I know my superiors will not give her a chance, I said this is the best I can offer you and if you are stellar in your performance, I can push for a full-time position for you.

Everyday this week has been a constant argument with them. They’re not listening.

And amid all this, I still need to meet my monthly KPIs and more management chores.

Then I got a message from the founder of a publication (that we can call competition) who is looking for an editor. I said, yeah sure we can talk, and I gave him my WhatsApp number. Not that I intend to jump to them because they have a lot of issues, but I just want to use them as leverage. I can campaign for a raise with my bosses, so even if for a little bit of the time that I will stay with this company, I can replenish my savings faster. And I can also haggle for much higher salary in my next job and can take my time applying for that so that I will not be jumping into a worse situation because I’m just being hormonal. But I don’t think I can stay for another two to three years with them if things remain as is. But I bet on my outlook that things will get worse. I mean, the reviews of the parent company on Glassdoor are not that glowing. The reviews were on-point actually.

Enough is enough.

This photo sums up my day.

Twin I’s results came back last Monday night and it indicated she doesn’t have pneumonia. Just really bad flu.

I got the more resistant one.

Diarrhea, runny nose, a lot of sneezing, body pain, scratchy throat, very bad cough leading to asthma. I think I ran out of Covid test kits here. Do I need to bother? Maybe I should.

While I was interviewing a candidate I was coughing so bad that he may have felt so sorry for me.

I have two more interviews tomorrow. I can’t just take a sick leave since one editor is on leave and we’re really undermanned.

I have to get well quickly because I will have to fly to Singapore in two weeks.

Rest.

I just want to sleep.

I’m sick.

I have a million things on my plate but here I am, sniffling and coughing. My lungs hurt. I have a presentation to the commercial team, a press briefing, an interview with a freelancer tomorrow, and other things that I keep losing track of in my emails.

And I was fighting with my APAC boss this afternoon.

I just want to sleep. Rest.

I can’t drive this weekend to check my house.

I feel an asthma attack coming in a few hours.

There’s this tug-of-war inside of me that puts me in this difficult position.

I love what I’m doing as a journalist and editor. I like to mentor others. I love picking the brains of executives and learn a lot of things, about sectors or niche areas that I don’t normally encounter—things like sustainable aviation fuels and the feedstock for those. Just today, the exec I was interviewing said our conversation is thought-provoking because I asked things that he has not even thought about. Now that I sparked an idea, he has to delve into these things more closely, like vertical integration of some businesses or some strategies for the horizontals.

The thing is I don’t like my company’s parent company. This is the difficulty when you get acquired; you have no say about the changes and this is not what you have signed up for when you first joined the company. The system has gone bad, which is why I lose people and it’s hard to hire.

I saw a job ad on LinkedIn that matches my qualifications and it’s mid-senior level and completely remote, in the sense I can work anywhere in Asia. It also has regional travels. While I can do the communication campaigns and strategy, it’s not exactly the thing I love to do. It’s not an issue of comfort level since I know I can do it. It’s just that my heart is not into it.

And life is too short to be doing things that you don’t like or love.

My ex-boss here in local media left the industry to head a department of one institution and thought he could wing it with his MBA. But he didn’t like what he was doing and some feedback I got from other people who have worked with him indicated that he messed up. So now he wants to go back to our industry but senior level positions are rare. VERY rare. I’m afraid of turning into what he has become–that I will mess up because I don’t like what I’m doing. That I got out of the frying pan and went straight into the fire.

Now that I’m interviewing candidates for the job openings under my team, I am sensitive to whether the candidates just want to escape the current employment or they genuinely like or are interested in covering what we cover. One candidate I interviewed just wants to come back to Singapore after finishing her master’s degree in broadcasting and film production. I asked her, how can she reconcile that fact that what we do is very different from what she pursued for her higher degree? She said she learned now that broadcasting and film will not feed her because that industry is unstable. I immediately put her in the bottom of the pile because what we do is very difficult and if she doesn’t like it, she will have difficulty staying afloat. Chances are she will quit in 6 months. She will just use us as her ticket to come back to Singapore.

Another candidate just wants to get out of her current company because I heard rumors about that media entity that they’re not that great, to put it mildly.

That will be the same for me when I apply for this job posting on LinkedIn. My heart will not be into it as I’m just looking for a way to escape the annoying parent company. It will show during my prospective interviews. So basically I would be wasting my time and the hiring company’s time.

So I don’t know.

But this stream of consciousness I’m doing—THIS—verbalizing it is making things a bit clearer. The more I am writing about this now, the more that my heart says I pass up this job opportunity because it is not yet THE ONE.

I know being choosy has risks, especially that I’m in mid-senior to senior roles now. But choosing peace of mind is not at all petty, no?

I am in awe and also envious of his skill. After watching a couple of Hahn videos, I suddenly want to make leather bags. Seriously.

Before Covid, I had been seeing on Instagram some leather craft workshops that I wanted to attend. But I was thinking I couldn’t fit it into my life because I was with J at that time and attending to his wants and needs already took up 80% of my time. I had no time for hobbies or down time for myself.

Now that I don’t have that kind of issues anymore, I will try the workshops once I’m done moving houses.

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Once I have the skills and confidence, I will try to upcycle some leather bags here that have lost their luster or sustained damage. It’s exciting to learn skills like this because it would allow me to create with my hands something beautiful and practical. It will also help me de-stress.

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Meanwhile, I brought Twin I to the ENT because of excessive nose bleeding. While past tests showed that nothing was wrong with her (her aplastic frontal sinus does not contribute to the nose bleeding, the doctor said), we are still going to double check what exactly is going on. She will have an nasal endoscopy at Delos Santos Medical hopefully in the next two weeks and either she will only have local anesthesia or we need to sedate her if it’s going to be difficult to keep her still. We just have to get rid of her cough and colds this week, which may have caused her to have more frequent nosebleeding.

But the initial diagnosis for now is her allergies are keeping her sinuses inflamed all the time. The doctor said (as several pediatricians have told me) that nose bleeding is pretty common for her age.

“Do you have pets?” he asked.

“Yes, two cats.”

“Oh, is there a way we can remove the allergens?”

“NOOO! They’re like my children as well,” I protested.

“Then Twin I just have to wear mask at all times around the cats.”

He said that there is no need to bring her to the ER as long as we pinch her nose and the bleeding stops in 30 mins.

I told my twins that they should stay away from the cats from now on. Stop irritating the cats.

I think I will have a bigger problem when we transfer to our new house. My hometown is hell for those suffering from asthma and allergic rhinitis because of all the trees that flower every summer and the year-round pollen showers.

I wonder how I survived with all those allergens around me while growing up.