My bffs dropped by yesterday, one quickly gave us her gifts as they make their Santa Claus rounds, while the other brought her kids and had an afternoon meal with us. I cooked sotanghon soup yesterday, which was a hit with my friend’s kids. It was a perfect dish for a cool and rainy December day.

And I played the PS for two hours last night, WRC 10 and Sonic Frontiers. I realized I wasted money with Worms because I didn’t realize what I purchased was an emulator for PS1 version. It was so pixelated that I couldn’t play it.

My mom, meanwhile, wanted to go to a mall on the 27th—just because. So ok, I need to brace my legs for the loooooonnngggg drive to Metro Manila for her and to buy Twin A a guitar using her savings.

I’m still on the fence with the new TV…

Oh well, got to prepare for the all-day cooking today.

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My solar lights are not working because the sun hasn’t come out for days now. It’s always wet and the northeasterly winds are bringing cooler air. We stopped using our aircon because the temperatures have started dropping. It’s already 24 degrees at 7 pm and yesterday it was 23.

The weather is perfect for curling up in bed with a book.

But nope, I had to tick off the items in my to-do list so yesterday I had my outside kitties fixed. We had our roving vet come again to our house to neuter Socks and spay Gorilla. We initially thought Gorilla was pregnant because of her bulging tummy but I was hopeful she wasn’t because her tummy didn’t get bigger week after week. I didn’t want a spay-abort situation. 😢

The vet said Gorilla was just fat. She examined her first by feeling her tummy and doc said it was empty. Just pure fat. When the vet opened her up (side-slit), it was confirmed that her ovaries were young and eggs have yet to come out, therefore, Gorilla has yet to go into heat. Doc said she had to cut through a thick layer of fat.

So, baby girl, we are just both fat! 🤣

As for Socks, he also hasn’t been in heat so we were just in time. It would have been tragic if he started chasing female cats and never come home again.

Their recovery was quick too. They were still very groggy last night but they started nibbling at their kibbles at around 11 pm.

So whew! I’m done with the kitties. I still have two more strays to trap, neuter, and release (TNR). I need to keep doing this to keep the stray population down in our area.

I had a chat with out neighbor yesterday after I told them about the loud meowing in their house next to my yard. I thought there was a cat trapped inside an empty house. He said, ah, that is a cat house! The cat I hear is protesting that he was being forced to go inside the cat house because it’s already getting dark. He said they have a thousand cats under their care. So that house that I thought was empty was actually a cat house!

So the one that I’ve been seeing from my window is a different cat house. I can’t imagine the amount of work and money needed to keep these cats alive.

Taking care of two indoor cats, two permanent resident outdoor kitties, their mommy cat who pops in every meal time, a bully white and orange male cat, and one or two occasional strays is already expensive. Imagine the cost of having 1,000 cats!

As I mentioned in my last post, around this time four years ago I was in a different plane of existence. The pain I carried was so unbearable it seemed like I couldn’t see the light at end of the tunnel.

These days I sit contentedly in my small living room marveling at the dark and cool December morning outside my window. I reflect on the painful and arduous journey I had to be where I am now.

Four years ago I couldn’t fathom I would be where I am now. I’m getting better and I can say I’ve healed but I still got a lot to work on. Like for example, when I was in Singapore last month, I had a dream where J was trying to butter me up for whatever reason, trying to flirt with me, which made me so uncomfortable. I thought he was trying to win points because he needed something, to use me again. Then I discovered on his phone that he was doing the same thing to several women, including the one who bullied me in high school.

I pushed him back and screamed at him, threw invectives that I should have thrown at him when I had a chance four years ago. I spewed all my pent-up fury that I didn’t realize that I still had inside.

When I woke up, I was sweating and my heart was pounding. I only slept for 4 hrs that day.

That was a sign that I am not ready to cross paths with him and this world is so small. I encountered some people who knew him and some knew about the sexual harassment case lodged against him that’s why he was fired. Suffice to say people in his former firm aren’t happy that he still moving about in the same space.

That got me thinking again. The thought entered my head before that the reason why he jumped at the chance to transfer here in the Philippines and left Singapore in a huff was because he knew he would get fired because of that case. Not because he wanted to be with me. I was just an instrument who enabled his escape, an exit option.

How gullible I was. 🤦🏻‍♀️

So maybe, what I need to work on is I need to learn how to forgive myself for being gullible and for making that mistake of giving so much to a person who duped me into thinking he cared. I put him first before my children. That guilt probably hasn’t been washed away, I guess.

So while I am working on myself, I vowed I will never put anyone before my children ever again. That was made clear to me in August last year.

When I was praying for guidance, a voice told me that I should focus more on my children and not on things that have come to pass and things that are yet to happen or may not happen. When my eyes opened, I saw Twin A for what she is now—losing weight rapidly. She’s so gaunt and weak. Despite the multivitamins and guarding her calorie intake, she has not improved since our last visit to the pediatrician.

And now that I’ve learned how to love myself and love the life I have now (except for my boss), I know now that I shouldn’t chase butterflies and rainbows by having a partner. I can have peace and contentment this way. I just have to forgive myself for falling for a person who just used me and didn’t care a fig about me. I attribute that to my being unwell. I wasn’t in a good place that time. I haven’t healed from the trauma of my marriage when I jumped into a relationship that I thought would heal me.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. In so many levels. That’s how children of divorces end up getting screwed growing up. So much pain and wounds get inflicted when the mother jumps into a relationship quickly and force the children to have a relationship with a stranger and expect to form a family. It’s a selfish move on the mom’s part, in my opinion and I fell into that rut.

But of course, I can’t fault moms in my position then because we want to feel loved and validated. But that really creates so much more problems because you need to grow and love yourself first at the same time you need to love your children while they grow. You grow with your children. I had to walk through hell before learning that.

So yes, I’ve come so far from where I was 4 years ago. I need to forgive myself to have complete healing. Until then, I’m not yet ready to encounter my demon in person.

I had been busy cooking and cleaning as I hosted lunch for my bffs. Exchanged gifts and quick stories. Then my house was invaded by kids—my daughters and their friends who are hanging out in our house.

It’s better that I have these kids in my house rather than worry where my kids are during their free time. That’s why I figured I needed a bigger screen because they are here at least twice a week.

Let me figure this out until next week. I’m still deciding if I should book a hotel for the New Year’s countdown in Makati or in the new Solaire Casino Resort in QC. Neyo will be performing and do the countdown there.

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Two days ago, four years back, I was so gutted. Every year since then I also did my count up (not down). This year I completely forgotten all about it.

I woke up from a terrible dream. I was working. Chasing a story. I was preparing to go to an event when my former boss in my former life as a local reporter appeared and wanted to give me pointers. I was so annoyed with him because I felt like he was holding me back when I was already running out of time. In my dream I felt so bad for having scooped by rival media outlets.

When I opened my eyes, I realized it was just a dream and I’m already on holiday.

This means I’m so stressed about work because I still dream about work.

I told Kr yesterday that I had been feeling bad for quite a while again even after figuring out a way how to ignore my boss by filtering whatever she is saying. Maybe I’m already exhausted that’s why I could no longer filter her, Kr said.

I told her our boss is wearing me down; she has been treating me like I know nothing. She even joined my call with a Singapore PR firm that was pitching stories from their clients like I don’t know how to handle such. She has been scolding me almost every week for every little thing. She even gaslighted me into thinking that it was terrible of me for taking a long break when many editors are going to be off. I said I just was taking 7-8 days off but it just so happens that there are many public holidays in the Philippines during the Christmas season that it looked like I would be off for more than two weeks.

I felt so ghastly—thinking I was being selfish—that I didn’t start my holiday yesterday. I was still replying to chats and emails, still coordinating with journos, getting comments from parties for a story I was doing with another reporter. I shaved off a day from my official holiday because I felt awful. Or rather my boss made me feel awful.

Kr told me to ignore my manager. She asked how many times have I held the fort almost by myself when all of Asia shuts down during East Asia festivals, especially during Lunar New Year? “No, you deserve this break. Go, ignore her,” Kr told me.

Why is she doing this to me?!

Two Koreans in this lifetime have been horrible to me and made me feel dreadful about myself, made me feel like I’m less of a human being. I’m starting to hate Koreans now.

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I edited two stories and rewrote one because it was problematic and all those kept me working until 9 pm today. I did a 9 to 9 🤦🏻‍♀️ so my brain is so dead right now.

When I woke up this morning at 8 am (I go back to sleep at 5:30 or 6 am after cooking breakfast for my kids), I debated with myself whether I would work my butt off today or just call it a day after the call with my team at noon.

I was writing the headline for the story I was supposed to submit today when that problematic story burst into my mailbox. My own story that I was drafting became totally forgotten.

Should I still draft it tomorrow when I’m technically already on leave?