I was so battered by my manager last Friday. I was so distraught that I had a fleeting thought of wanting to fling myself out the window. I wanted to just channel this trapped feeling into something else, like physical pain.
It alarmed me that I was already having that kind of thought so I sought a friend to talk this out. I think I need to go on leave after my KL trip. I should have medical exams. Not sure if this part of perimenopause.
I thought I would be able to handle my feelings towards my manager after I told her when we were in HK that she is stressing me out and I had wanted to quit this job because of that. Nope. I still cannot handle it.
I cannot walk away that easily from this job. Not in this economy. Not when the private school that my kids attend just sent me the list of school fees that just went up. Not when our business hasn’t taken off yet.
I just have to learn to manage this. I just have to learn how to ignore my manager. I just need to go to the sea after every rough encounter with her.
The dry and hot season is over. The southwest monsoon is upon us again in two weeks.
The gamu-gamo or flying termites are out and about, which means there would be a thunderstorm tomorrow or the following days. Flying termites flocking to light sources signal the end of summer and we would be drenched again by the southwest monsoon and typhoons. When I was a student, I always felt sad about seeing the gamu-gamo because it meant that my summer break was over and I haven’t enjoyed it to full hilt.
I somehow got the same feeling now. There’s this inexplicable feeling deep down in my gut, a kind of sadness because time is moving so fast. I have yet to go diving again. I haven’t been to the beach. I haven’t taken a break. It’s melancholy that is hitting me hard right now. The things I had promised myself I would be doing with the girls now that we have moved back to the province haven’t happened.
I should step back from work.
I should go out and take photos, just like I used to before. I’ve had three overseas trips this year and it’s only June and yet I haven’t sketched nor taken artsy photos. I haven’t enjoyed any moment of those trips. It’s all about work, work, work.
No wonder I’m always tired.