I had a rough week that I thought of quitting.
I had worked on a long piece for a week, did a lot of acrobatics just to be able to finish it, only to be shot down by the editor.
“Only two to four IPOs? Is it even worth writing about?” the editor from an OECD country said.
I just said we chuck it.
It’s so hard to defend the Philippines. I even question why do they even need me? And to make matters worse, we’re two journalists based here. I tried traveling to do reportage abroad but the editor from the land of bubblegum pop rejected that request. It makes me feel redundant.
The Philippines only matters when a mountain of garbage collapses to kill dozens of people.
No matter how much I try to elevate reportage in this tiny market of ours, we just don’t really matter. It’s like we’re Myanmar and Cambodia — the world will spin even without news from us.
I felt so defeated last week that I cried.
It’s just so hard to defend the Philippines. A very small market with a very corrupt government that doesn’t matter in this world.
It must be perimenopause or I’m sliding down into depression. I had difficulty picking myself up again after that email exchange. One of my bffs rushed from her Pilates class to have hibiscus tea with me here at home and talk. She told me it’s burnout talking. I really didn’t have a mental and physical break over the holidays so I’m like this, all frayed nerves.
Plus I’ve been in this company for 12 years, under three management changes. I know it’s time to move on but I tried looking for better roles — and still looking — but nothing fits.
This bff is a single mom of two elementary school kids so she understands why I just can’t quit and do something risky. I’m sending two children to a private school and I carry all the mental and financial load of raising them.
She warned me that consultancy isn’t enough. Entering academe full time will give financial stress because I’m a solo parent. She herself is also scared of what she will do, applying for a post-doc position in an institution abroad affiliated with her current international research agency. At least that’s a stable paycheck.
Then I had a dream last night. I dreamt about Christian Esguerra, the former ABS-CBN journalist who went full time with UST and estblished his own podcast, making full use of his broadcast journalism skills as a solo entity.
I can’t remember why he was in my dream but when I woke up this morning, it suddenly struck me that maybe I was being told by the Voice above that I should gamble and take this path.
And I heard Christian Esguerra is doing much better financially as well.
A friend and former ABS-CBN journo Jacque Manabat did the same and now has a thriving business, as a social media journalist-creator and provider of creative space for people like her.
The problem is, I don’t have the name like they do because I’m always behind the camera. I’m only known in the business circles.
However, I have a very niche specialty and have over two decades of experience to back me up if I set up my own podcast. I had been a multi-media reporter for a broadcast network before so I’m already used to wearing several hats in one coverage…
… And I’ve been thinking of buying that Sony vlogging camera. I wasn’t pulling the trigger yet because I didn’t have any use for it.
Now I think I do.
No wonder I see Amorsolo paintings everywhere…10,000 works! Wow! I should visit the BSP collections more often.