I sent my letter to my manager and APAC head, asking for a meeting to discuss the terms of freelancing for my company. I told them that this is the best course to take, given the circumstances (which I didn’t elaborate).

I am suprisingly calm. I don’t know why. I should be freaking out since this would put me on unsure footing when the world could be descending into another world war. This time it could be nuclear.

But I am placid. I’m still going about my usual business—writing and editing stories, engaging with sources, directing reporters…like nothing has changed.

Maybe I feel calm because I am no longer weighed by the problem of keeping my reporters afloat. I had been carrying less skilled reporters on my shoulders for years. I’m waiting for them to level up but it never came. Maybe I feel free now that I have washed off my responsibility of keeping them from losing their jobs. I had been trying to keep them from being fired or have their contracts changed because they could not meet their KPIs.

Imagine, I’ve been conducting interviews with them, to guide them so that they will have stories to file. I am the one scrounging for stories for them (asking for interviews on behalf of the reporters) if they’re struggling to get stories. I draft the guide questions to ask the interviewees, hoping that after that, they will know what to ask the next time they bag interviews. Hoping that I won’t be struggling when I edit their stories due to lack of pertinent information. I needed to fill the gaps so they can produce stories. Meeting the quotas is on me.

And yet… They couldn’t level up. It’s a skills problem. No matter how much I push them, this is the best that they can do.

I get clobbered when they commit small and big booboos. I get penalized when we get legal threats for their lack of regard for compliance rules. 

On top of this, I needed to meet my own KPIs.

On top of being a solo mom, cook, and cleaning lady.

I can’t do it anymore. Something’s gotta give.

So tomorrow, I will have that virtual meeting. I just have to lay down my cards and tell them, hey, I did my best. It wasn’t just good enough.