I’m thankful that I have moments like this everyday and I’m not rushing to another job on a weekend to keep a roof over my head. I am thankful that I have a cleaning lady scrubbing the steps for me so I don’t have to forfeit my weekend, which is reserved for rest. I am thankful that I have a village with me to help me raise my girls.

I remember having this same feeling when I learned a cousin-in-law hanged herself inside a closet. She was suffering from post-partum depression and just had twins, a few months ahead of me. Her husband, my cousin, is a cardiologist who had to work all the time. She didn’t have the support system that new mothers have that traditional Asian families provide. She’s white and my cousin is half-white.

I’ve had post partum depression as well and it’s common for mothers of twins (multiple births in general). My grandma also had it and she had two sets of twins. My mom said she remembered hearing that they had to have my grandpa’s sisters come in to help my grandma because of that. Twin mothers have twice the level of human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), the pregnancy hormone, compared to a mother carrying a single baby. So once the twin mom gives birth, the hCG suddenly crashes down to earth and that wreaks havoc on the body and brain. It’s really, really crazy.

I was lucky I was with my mom during my last two months of pregnancy and until my babies were 6 months old. I knew I needed all the help I can get so I went home. She was there with me helping with the late night feedings and then the nannies (I had two) came in the morning to take the babies away so I can sleep. I was encouraged to go out to have some air. Somebody else was there to cook and clean. I had my sisters with me who can entertain my babies. I’ve had my mom and sis-in-law with me to help me with bathing newborns and burping them, and to teach me how to massage my premature babies’ legs so they will become strong. Twin A was a colicky baby and I had everyone helping me in calming her down, massaging her tummy, and basically taking the colicky baby away from me because she was screaming her head off and I had the strong urge to shake her. Actually I did shake her and I realized that I was killing her, I put her on the bed and screamed for help and told them to take her away from me before I killed my baby who wouldn’t stop crying. I was only sleeping an hour every night, I barely ate, it was difficult to take showers because I had a CS birth, I was aching all over but I had my village to help out.

My cousin-in-law had none of that support system. She was left alone with two infants, with her hormones crashing, barely sleeping, barely eating, unwashed, dealing with a messy home, and a husband who is always at the hospital. She didn’t have a village. She didn’t have anybody.

That’s when I knew my decision to stay in this poor, third world country, ten years prior in my twenties, is the right one. Everyone was leaving the Philippines and I got ridiculed for staying behind. I did plan to study abroad but I knew I would always be coming back home. I have my village here. My support system. I wouldn’t have made it without them.

A friend (who may no longer be a friend) told me to transfer to Singapore to give my kids a better education because it’s more advanced there. I told her, at what price? She never had kids so she wouldn’t understand that it’s difficult to be a single mom abroad without that support system. My children will be subjected to too much pressure studying, with cram schools and standardized tests to measure intelligence, which will be the basis for their value in life. The kiasu mentality there doubles the pressure. I had to weigh the pros and cons like, academic excellence vs healthy, well-rounded childhood. Mental fortitude and higher emotional quotient are more important to me so my children can survive the rigors of life. My kids can always go abroad for higher degrees and they can get scholarships like many of my friends and siblings did. For now, I’m thankful that my children aren’t jumping off balconies due to depression, school and societal pressures.

Just last night, I fed six kids dinner, including my own, because they decided to hang out our house after school. That would have been next to impossible in east Asia where kids had to study for another four hours in cram school then vege out infront of their screens to play video games to decompress.

Now why am I talking about this? People are flooding Tiktok with videos about their discoveries. They realized that US is not the greatest country in the world as they were led to believe. The Europeans had been telling them, “we told you so, you just didn’t listen.” Yes, in the comments.

I didn’t buy that belief actually. My relatives were ready to finance my plane ticket to the US and were prepared to host me (provided that I worked in their deli in Chicago while I figure out life). I didn’t. My other cousin took the offer and she and my sister lived with each other for quite a bit but cousin left to live with her other relatives (her maternal side) in other states so she can see more. My sister also went to our relatives on our paternal side to check their neck of the woods.

My sister lived there for half a year and came back. She said didn’t like the life my relatives were living and everyone else’s trajectory. It’s just work, work, work. America is founded on the Puritan belief that work is a moral good and a way to express their belief, so the work culture is their way of life. This mindset has redounded even to the non-religious and to people of different religions. She and this cousin both went back home. They both have choices, while some Pinoys in the same deli didn’t and they needed to stay in the US for a better life compared back home. My cousin, on the other hand, said she would die in the US because insulin is USD 100 or more per unit for the uninsured whereas in the Philippines it can be PHP 500-PHP 1,200 at that time. It can also be free through Department of Health Insulin Medicines Access Program. (As a side note, the PH DOH also gives free TB meds for the poor under the TB DOTS program. Imagine, a third world country giving free medicines to its people…I don’t think the US government gives away anything for free).

My sister lived in Australia but came back. While she said she liked it there, there was little incentive for her to stay there for good. Right now she travels the world to give talks in conferences and whatnot. She is one of the few in experts in her field and she doesn’t have to live away from family to do her own thing. Besides, her dollars as a consultant to a global organization go a long way here.

We are the privileged ones so we can afford to stay home. Those who aren’t are forced to seek their fortunes elsewhere but many said on chat groups and on social media, if they had a choice they still wanted to be with their families and friends. Yes we have a shitty government and the electorate is dumb but US is the same. The UK is the same. Elsewhere is the same, it’s just that the degrees vary. It’s just a matter of choosing your own poison.

Others opted to go away because of the said shitty government. Can’t blame them and very valid. Again, choose your own poison.