I don’t know why but I bought a new tea set from the second-hand ceramics pop-up store at the weekend community market last Sunday. Maybe because I drink hot tea more now it’s colder. Right now it’s 24 degrees C and in the coming days we will be registering lower temps, around 21 to 20. When I was in high school it there was a time it reached 18 degrees.
It’s also a form of relaxation for me. The act of bringing a tiny cup to my lips and savoring a hot brew is meditative.
Last Friday, I counseled a friend who cried to me because she couldn’t see where her relationship with her partner is going. Differing approaches to financial management really does break a relationship and it’s not a petty issue. Financial management is a reflection of your values and how you approach life in general. Financial dishonesty is a serious offense.
I told her, one of the most eye-opening things told to me by a fellow married woman was this: you do not have to mix your finances with your partner. This person was a lawyer-columnist with whom I shared rooms during a junket trip abroad. I was just two months married then and she told me that 1) I shouls always have my own money because when shit hits the fan, I can always walk out; 2) I can keep our finances separate and just agree on the household expenses that we can split and jointly pay for.
My erstwhile roomie told me that she and her husband, who is also a lawyer, split the grocery bills. Her husband bought the meat because he was very much a carnivore and there were expensive cuts that he favored. She, on the other hand, spends on—I can no longer remember—but the rest on their grocery list is jointly financed between the two of them. That is just one example. She pays for this, he pays for that. She told me it’s totally fine not to follow the traditional way of managing household finances where one controls the money and the other juat receives an allowance. Having expenses split according to what you’re willing to spend/splurge on will lessen resentment and animosity between couples.
We did that and before we had children, ex-husband was paying for utilities while I paid for the groceries. Shortly after things flipped over and I had borne all kid-related stuff and groceries. Later on, I was paying for all of our expenses except cable TV because he’s the one addicted to TV while I couldn’t be bothered by it. And yes I was the only one paying for our kids’ private school tuition. I had too much resentment boiling inside me because aside from I was working myself to the bone, I was paying for everything, and yet he couldn’t even help in taking care of our kids.
On hindsight, this was the reason why I was always tired, stressed, and unhappy.
He was so financially dishonest that it was only when my kids and I left him did I learn that he wasn’t even paying rent. His sister let us live in that house we were living for 8 years for free. He led me to believe he was paying rent as part of his contribution to household expenses.
So I told this friend that she and her partner should keep their finances separate since they’re not even married. There’s no way to protect her when shit happens. She’s stressing her partner is financially irresponsible and the ironic thing is this person is in banking. 😬 I told her that it’s up to her how long she can wait until the partner wisens up. I mean, some people can be taught financial responsibility and they’re not beyond redemption. Until that happens, she should keep her finances separate or else the resentment will boil over.
In my case, I compromised so much. I was like a melting candle and in the end I was so spent that I could no longer had anything to give. You cannot pour from an empty vessel.