As I mentioned in my last post, around this time four years ago I was in a different plane of existence. The pain I carried was so unbearable; it seemed like I couldn’t see the light at end of the tunnel.

These days I sit contentedly in my small living room, marveling at the dark and cool December morning outside my window. I reflect on the painful and arduous journey I had to be where I am now.

Four years ago I couldn’t imagine I would be where I am now. I’m getting better and I can say I’ve healed but I still got a lot to work on. Like for example, when I was in Singapore last month, I had a dream where J was trying to butter me up for whatever reason, trying to flirt with me, which made me so uncomfortable. I thought he was trying to win points because he needed something, to use me again. Then I discovered on his phone that he was doing the same thing to several women, including the one who bullied me in high school.

I pushed him back and screamed at him, threw invectives that I should have thrown at him when I had a chance four years ago. I spewed all my pent-up fury that I didn’t realize that I still had inside.

When I woke up, I was sweating and my heart was pounding. I only slept for 4 hrs that day.

That was a sign that I am not ready to cross paths with him and this world is so small. I encountered some people who knew him and some knew about the sexual harassment case lodged against him that’s why he was fired. Suffice to say people in his former firm aren’t happy that he still moving about in the same space.

That got me thinking again. The thought entered my head before that the reason why he jumped at the chance to transfer here in the Philippines and left Singapore in a huff was because he knew he would get fired because of that case. Not because he wanted to be with me. I was just an instrument who enabled his escape, an exit option.

How gullible I was. 🤦🏻‍♀️

So maybe, what I need to work on is I need to learn how to forgive myself for being gullible and for making that mistake of giving so much to a person who duped me into thinking he cared. I put him first before my children. That guilt probably hasn’t been washed away, I guess.

So while I am working on myself, I vowed I will never put anyone before my children ever again. That was made clear to me in August last year.

When I was praying for guidance, a voice told me that I should focus more on my children and not on things that have come to pass and things that are yet to happen or may not happen. When my eyes opened, I saw Twin A for what she is now—losing weight rapidly. She’s so gaunt and weak. Despite the multivitamins and guarding her calorie intake, she has not improved since our last visit to the pediatrician.

And now that I’ve learned how to love myself and love the life I have now (except for my boss), I know now that I shouldn’t chase butterflies and rainbows by having a partner. I can have peace and contentment this way. I just have to forgive myself for falling for a person who just used me and didn’t care a fig about me. I attribute that to my being unwell. I wasn’t in a good place that time. I haven’t healed from the trauma of my marriage when I jumped into a relationship that I thought would heal me.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. In so many levels. That’s how children of divorces end up getting screwed growing up. So much pain and wounds get inflicted when the mother jumps into a relationship quickly and force the children to have a relationship with a stranger and expect to form a family. It’s a selfish move on the mom’s part, in my opinion and I fell into that rut.

But of course, I can’t fault moms in my position then because we want to feel loved and validated. But that really creates more problems because you need to grow and love yourself first at the same time you need to love your children while they grow. You grow with your children. I had to walk through hell before learning that.

So yes, I’ve come so far from where I was 4 years ago. I need to forgive myself to have complete healing. Until then, I’m not yet ready to encounter my demon in person.