I woke up from a terrible dream. I was working. Chasing a story. I was preparing to go to an event when my former boss in my former life as a local reporter appeared and wanted to give me pointers. I was so annoyed with him because I felt like he was holding me back when I was already running out of time. In my dream I felt so bad for having scooped by rival media outlets.

When I opened my eyes, I realized it was just a dream and I’m already on holiday.

This means I’m so stressed about work because I still dream about work.

I told Kr yesterday that I had been feeling bad for quite a while again even after figuring out a way how to ignore my boss by filtering whatever she is saying. Maybe I’m already exhausted that’s why I could no longer filter her, Kr said.

I told her our boss is wearing me down; she has been treating me like I know nothing. She even joined my call with a Singapore PR firm that was pitching stories from their clients like I don’t know how to handle such. She has been scolding me almost every week for every little thing. She even gaslighted me into thinking that it was terrible of me for taking a long break when many editors are going to be off. I said I just was taking 7-8 days off but it just so happens that there are many public holidays in the Philippines during the Christmas season that it looked like I would be off for more than two weeks.

I felt so ghastly—thinking I was being selfish—that I didn’t start my holiday yesterday. I was still replying to chats and emails, still coordinating with journos, getting comments from parties for a story I was doing with another reporter. I shaved off a day from my official holiday because I felt awful. Or rather my boss made me feel awful.

Kr told me to ignore my manager. She asked how many times have I held the fort almost by myself when all of Asia shuts down during East Asia festivals, especially during Lunar New Year? “No, you deserve this break. Go, ignore her,” Kr told me.

Why is she doing this to me?!

Two Koreans in this lifetime have been horrible to me and made me feel dreadful about myself, made me feel like I’m less of a human being. I’m starting to hate Koreans now.