The main reason why I traveled to Ortigas and brought my girls with me was that I was invited to a special block screening of the movie Inside Out. I just added some meetings on the side to make my trip worthwhile.

And ohhhh boy, this movie made me tear up. My girls are the same age as Riley Anderson and they could relate to her on the surface level, like the struggles of trying to fit in, the initial feeling of losing friends because they won’t go to the same high school after being together in middle school…

But the entire movie is about what makes a PERSON human. Overwhelming emotions, like anxiety, controling us do not define US. Life is not about just keeping all the good stuff and erase all the negative ones by suppressing them. What make us the persons we are now include all the horrible memories, all the bad feelings, and the experiences that you would rather forget.

It’s just like this song:

I’m not gonna fight back what I’ve become
Yeah, I’ve got bruises where I came from
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars
I’ve been going way too hard on myself
Guess that it’s the reason that I’m feeling like hell
But I wouldn’t change if I could restart
I ain’t gonna hide these beautiful scars

Joy (voiced by Amy Poehler) has been trying to suppress those, kicking all the negative memory balls to the back of Riley’s mind, thinking that Riley is just going to be comprised of all the good stuff. Anxiety (voiced by Maya Hawke) has other plans.

As we grow older, more complex feelings creep in and all these try to control our brains, our lives. They fight for their right to define who we are. Maturity is about how we embrace and at the same time master all these.

Riley repeating the statement, “I am not good enough,” is very familiar to us who have been paralyzed by this mantra, causing us to doubt ourselves after getting beaten down  by life. For Riley, this self-doubt pushed herself to the limit because she desperately wanted to be accepted. She got fried instead. For me, however, this self-doubt took hold of me for a long time after a seismic shift and caused me to completely break down.

When Riley was experiencing panic attack, with all the hyperventilation and repeat of “I’m not good enough” over and over inside her head, something clicked within me. I HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE. During those times, anxiety and depression owned me.

Since Riley is just 13, she was able to snap out of it because she had a good support systen. But for us who had experienced the earth shifting beneath out feet and destroyed the walls we have put up, anxiety can indeed short-circuit our brains and stay for a long time.

My eyes began to water when Joy saw the negative memories that she had been working hard to banish began flooding the brain pool then started shooting multicolored strands. She realized that all the suppressed memories were important to make a beautiful crystalline tower of Riley.

It’s hard to explain everything if one hasn’t seen the first and then this second installment of Inside Out. The script was brilliant and mental health professionals approve.

Speaking of panic attacks, I remember having one while I was driving along C5 and I thought I was having a heart attack. I had reflux and palpitations—I called my cousin-in-law who was an OR nurse at that time at The Medical City. He told me to go to stop and leave my car and head straight to the ER.

I was reminded of my father who vomited when he had a massive heart attack.

My ECG showed I was normal and they diagnosed it was just acid reflux. I was sent home with an Rx for antacids. However, my sister’s friend told my sister that what I was experiencing was clearly a panic attack.

It wasn’t the only time I had a panic attack. I had several of those thereafter, while I was still married.

I couldn’t understand at that time why I was having those. My first psychiatrist made me realize that it was trauma response to the great burden of being with my ex-husband who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I didn’t realize that the anxiety of having him around was already eating me alive.

I thought my panic attacks left me when we separated.

I was sooo wrong. They returned with a vengeance everytime I discovered or had bad realizations about ex-J. I clearly remember clutching my chest because of palpitations and while having an acid reflux when I was at the intersection of Kalayaan Ave and V. Luna. Luckily traffic was not bad and I was able to stop by the nearest curbside where I could temporarily park. I was hyperventilating. That was the time when I discovered about the transwoman-like (Twin I’s and my friend L’s term) gf whom the ex-J cheated me with. I called up my friend, B, and talked to her, crying-screaming at her. B just told me to let it out.

Just like Riley in Inside Out, a voice inside me kept echoing that I wasn’t good enough. It was anxiety talking to me.

And I quote myself from that time:

“I could never measure up and will never be enough.

I’m just me. Simple. Earthy. I live by my wits. I don’t have the body, I don’t have money, and I only just have my brains to live on. I live by my hands, I want to create things, I’m not glamorous and will never be.”

Yes, Riley, anxiety gets the better of us. But don’t worry, it doesn’t define you. A little anxiety is good to guard is from harm or prepare us from challenges but it shouldn’t take control of who we are.