I shouldn’t be hard on myself. If things are not going as fast as I want them to be, then I should be patient. Pushing too hard may cause me to choose the wrong path for me. Anyway, no one is putting a deadline on me except myself. Like all my interview requests aren’t coming back to me immediately and it has taken them weeks to reply about a date and time. Just like the gigs I want to get; initial meetings aren’t getting scheduled as soon as I want them.

So having two clients by June may not be that easy.

I should be less emotionally involved with my work. The editor who I once had skirmishes with a few years ago told me in HK that in order for me not to go crazy because my boss is being insufferable, I should get away from my desk figuratively after 5 pm. He told me the problem with me is that I am too invested, too emotionally tied to my work. “You take work seriously,” he said.

Yeah, that’s the problem. I’m too passionate about work. I also identify myself too much with my profession. My identity is too much tied to what I do.

Because I loosened up my timetable, I allowed myself to spend on big-ticket items the past few days. My reason is that when I have already transitioned into a new role while still building up my name/income, I wouldn’t be able to afford to replace my mobile phone and that of my daughters. So this past weekend I replaced Twin A’s four-year-old phone, which she inherited from me, with a new but entry-level one. Then yesterday, I bought myself a new, mid-level phone and passed on my two-year-old but higher end phone to Twin I.

They take turns in inheriting higher end phones from me so everything is fair and square. They’re good kids; they haven’t caused me too much grief (of their doing) and they help me with chores. They know now how to be responsible for themselves and the house. In terms of academics, I wouldn’t ask for anything more. I expect them to get the highest honors and high honors by the end of the school term in June.

Since I already pushed back my timetable from June to yearend—I initially thought I could step down from my management position and go freelance by then—my budgeting for expenses has become more flexible. I still have time to have surgery on my osteoma and have another executive check-up while Twin A is winding down her therapy. I may step away from my job and be independent by next year, 1Q25 instead of end-2024.

Work slowly and live gracefully. No one is chasing me. If something is for me, then it will find me. Just like when finding a partner, the more you pressure yourself and not take things easy, the worse it’s going to be. You will choose the wrong person. It’s like eating fruits before they are ripe… Hinog sa pilit.

So my message to myself is: be patient, work hard on it. It will work out in the end. God has always been kind to me.

I’m not a millennial (a young GenX or Xennial) but this article from the Guardian embodies what I’ve been feeling all along: wanting a “softer life”. However, the interviewees here are all single and childless so they can afford to halve their salaries and be underemployed for a kinder life.

Increasing private school tuition puts a lot of pressure on single mothers like me. I can’t just do what they did but it seems like that’s my direction. The big thing weighing on my mind is, I would be sacrificing financial freedom for mental health when I have dependents still in school.

So what am I to do?

At this point, I really don’t know.

Probably, just work and give the bare minimum—the quiet quitting—until I can become an independent contractor or consultant.

All my life as a mother, I always had a million and one things racing through my head that’s why I always seemed like a scatterbrain or negligent. But they don’t know I had to balance so many things and I always needed to think ahead. I couldn’t live in the moment because there were so many people and things dependent on me. My mental and physical health suffered. It is exhausting. If only I could choose the “soft life” this article is talking about.