I messed up the sky. It was just supposed to be a few “stars” but I sprinkled too much white gouache onto the sky, so there…I can’t undo it since that velvety sky is made up of layers upon layers of different hues of blue.

I’ll just have to make another painting to wash the shame away. 🫠

I was just mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, searching for gouache paintings/inspiration when the memories function of IG slipped this on my feed, this photo I uploaded on Feb 6, 2022 :

I had already forgotten that two years ago around this time I was so crushed.

I didn’t realize that it has already been two years since my last major breakdown. Two days before this IG post, I received a painting from the ex, which had an opposite effect of what he probably intended. After so much digging that day, I learned about the woman whom he cheated me with. The digital creator wanna-be who didn’t have any other content on her page but selfies, showing off her boobs, and her multi-level marketing whatever (and as a business journo, I know MLMs are scams). A friend asked me seriously, “Is she a transwoman?!” I said, “you’re so baaaaadddd!” He said, “no, really, she looks like a transwoman!” My girls also said the same, on different occasions. 🤣

Another friend said, she looks like comedienne Ai-Ai delas Alas.

I know we shouldn’t put down other women to feel good about ourselves but at that time, what my friends were pointing out was I shouldn’t feel worthless “because you’re waaaaaaaayyyyyy beyond her. Don’t try to measure yourself against her.” Of course, I wasn’t listening at that time. I felt so ugly, fat, and unworthy. For a long time.

I was on medication and was still in therapy that time that’s why I didn’t crash but it was a very, very tough climb from the bottom of the barrel.

To ease the pain, I turned to drawing, to express whatever I had inside. Everybody was asking how I was but words were not enough so I sent them drawings to capture how I was hurting.

Because I had to heal myself, I was able to unearth my old hobby, laying dormant for 25 years.

Should I be thankful for this episode because I began to draw and paint again? Nope, I’m not yet at that stage but I’ve already gone so far in terms of being able to forget significant dates, being able to tell myself that nah, I’m better than her, and that I’m finding more value in myself than what he (the ex) used me for.

As for the art, I’m still so far. Watercolor is much harder to use than gouache. Getting the colors right and making the paint behave as you intended them to behave is extremely hard in watercolor. I mess up so much, like those stars in that painting above, but hey, that’s gouache so…that means I’m also bad at gouache.

But I’ve come far because now I paint not because I hurt, but because I love it.