I found this on my cousin’s reels. It seems like she just split from her husband—has been posting cryptic messages on her IG and has deleted her Facebook. That’s her coping mechanism, I guess. Poor thing. 💔

It’s hard to have your heart breaking at this time of the year. A time when your world shouldn’t be falling apart and pretend everything is all right in front of your parents and sibling. Been there.

I remember writing this shit three Christmases ago. How can I had been so wrong? I guess that’s my coping mechanism back then, telling myself lies, intellectualizing it when it was just a simple case of cheating and all that crap that came with it. Oh the amount of lies I believed!

Then this was followed by writing about the concept of home. It’s still true that I no longer feel like my mom’s house, the one I grew up in, is home for me. What I created in QC was home—for a while—and as I said in a post a week ago or so, I’m still conflicted about my feelings about that apartment.

But what I have now is my own little space in this world. This is home now.

The day after Christmas 2020, I walked for 2 km or so at 6 am and contemplated about what to do with my life after it has fallen apart. I asked myself where do I go from here?

Is it the pursuit of happiness? Umm, probably not. Happiness may be incidental, something that happens. You cannot be constantly happy because life fucks up. And chasing happiness is…fucked up as well. Maybe the best thing I can think of right now is the pursuit of contentment. Being content is not equal to being mediocre. Contentment may be reaching a high bar that you have set for yourself. But never being content may be equal to unhappiness and may launch you into this endless pursuit of nothingness.

So where do I go from here? I don’t know. And it’s ok.

The next day (Dec 27), I made up my mind to move to the province and build a small house. At that time I said I will be building it by the sea and have a condo in the city. But I guess that will take a while. I have to build wealth first instead of going into debt for a house that is unnecessary.

But at least I have my own place now where I can build a homestead and live sustainably. My goal came into fruition somewhat. After I’m finished with Twin A’s treatment and be cleared of anything (reserving my cash for in-case scenarios), I will be saving up for a solar power hybrid setup while building my vegetable garden. The goal is to be self-sufficient for a bit so when zombie apocalypse happens, we can hold on for a while.

From the ashes of 2020, I had built a simple dream. That’s how I coped with heartbreak. Even though I was so lost, at the back of my mind I knew what I was going to do and where I would be going. I didn’t have any idea how I would be able to do it but by the grace of God I was able to achieve something.

I had been cooking the entire day yesterday and I only had one hour to get ready for church. It’s funny that our family was split going to different churches but—ah well, my mom has accepted that we’re happier with our faith than the one foisted upon us by tradition.

Merry Christmas!

Meanwhile, I’m gonna be like this today until I get back to work on the 27th.