I just booked our hotel for New Year’s celebration. Because we can’t light our own fireworks here in the university campus (prohibited) so we’ll just watch the fireworks in the city.

Later today I will try to drive with my kids to Lake Yambo. Why? I don’t know. Need to change scenery, maybe?

Yesterday afternoon I went to see bff to give her my Christmas gifts. I spent some time at the park infront of our college waiting for her, just to watch people…because I had been cooped up inside the house for almost the entire day.

I lack sleep. I woke up at 5 am because I forgot to put off my daily alarm. Now because of habit, I couldn’t go back to sleep anymore. 🤦🏻‍♀️

The other day, I had the conversation with fairy gaymother K about varied things. He touched on the topic of me finding a bf (again) but I told him (again and again) that I’m happy with what I have become now, where I am now. I don’t want a relationship because it exhausts me; I am just the one giving but I just get loose change of a love in return. “I like this freedom. No need to consider another person’s opinions, feelings, and input on things that are immaterial to him. No need to take care of another person other than my kids,” I said.

What I was telling him was that I initially planned to order a TRex costume from Lazada and roam around the campus wearing that on Christmas day because there are no people anyway so we can take pictures with me doing silly things. K asked why did I think of doing that (but he said it’s hilarious and he loved the idea). I said life is too short not to do funny things. We have to laugh and do silly things.

I haven’t ordered the TRex costume yet and Christmas is just 4 days away.

Anyway, I told K that I’m so relieved that I didn’t have a partner when Twin A was in critical condition for almost a month. I can’t imagine having to take care of Twin A and my hypothetical partner, whose needs I have to balance with that of my sick daughter and my other daughter who felt neglected.

K: But wouldn’t your problem be halved if you have a partner to shoulder half of your responsibility?

Me: Funnily enough, it didn’t think of it that way.

Yes, it’s funny but that’s the truth, I didn’t think that yeah, the partner could help ease my burden by providing emotional or logistical support. Maybe because I have never felt I had a partner in the truest sense. It’s always they get more of me, demand so much from me, and I end up giving so much that nothing is left of me. I felt like a melting candle, with the wick burnt nearly to the end.

They were with me just because they need something from me, not because they genuinely want to be with me, that because they love me.

Just thinking about it already exhausts me.

Come to think of it, it has been exactly three years ago last Monday since I became solo. I was such a wreck at that time, three years ago. I couldn’t think that I would be able to reach this stage, at that time everything was so dark, like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I have come so far since then but I’m still healing. It takes time and I am not rushing myself. Because if ever I get into another relationship, I want to be truly healed and not bring my traumas into the new relationship. By then, I should have forgiven myself for allowing things to happen like that. That I should be nicer to myself and I shouldn’t blame myself because my only fault was that I loved too much.

One day.