People look different when viewed from afar. When you’ve taken a step back and took a good look at your self and are able think clearly.

My bff (BFF T) and I went to our common friend’s 40th day commemoration since her death, which was hosted by her family. All along the way and while there, BFF T and I had been talking about how do we keep ourselves from falling into the trap of dating wrong people again and again, because this is what my friend in SG is having problems with.

Our stand is, BFF T and I don’t make finding a partner front and center of our existence. Unlike this friend of ours in SG, she is really making it her priority, a central thing in her life. She keeps on using various dating apps to stave off the loneliness in Singapore so she always ends up with the wrong guys.

She asked me, how does BFF T do it, it seems like she’s super ok being single? I replied, she is not super ok. She just accepted it. Like I have accepted my state of affairs.

*Well, in my case, I was never actively seeking a partner ever since I became solo 3 years ago. I actually have a distaste for it.*

I told our friend in SG that when BFF T gets burned, she deletes her dating apps, turns her attention to other things like chasing Kpop concerts in Asia, traveling, and shopping. When the serotonin boost from those activities wanes, that’s the only time she activates her dating apps again. Then she goes through dating shit again. Then go chase Kpop concerts again, etc. Wash, repeat. It’s just training herself how to get better at this without getting broken.

There’s some kind of level of acceptance already, I told BFF T over coffee this afternoon. It’s not something I have to seek. It just happens. Or does not happen. I’m just too broken at this point and I must take my time to heal and repair the brokenness or else I will end up with another asshole.

For BFF T, she said she understands why our friend in SG is actively seeking: she is trying to fill the void left by a broken marriage. That she cannot live without a partner. BFF T said she herself wouldn’t understand that because she hasn’t been married so she doesn’t have that kind of void to fill.

I said, well, I have been married and I had lived with a partner after that, but I didn’t feel like I needed to fill a void after all that. Maybe because 1) I was busy healing; 2) I am busy raising children. It helps that you have something else to focus on.

BFF T said that maybe, we have arrived at an equilibrium…we are not really ok but we’re fine accepting things like maybe relationships with men aren’t something central to our whole being. Or maybe we have accepted that we’re already old and random dating is not really going to work for us anymore, like in college.