Yes of course, there was a trigger. There is always a trigger. But this time, it’s very much needed. I needed to be triggered so I can get my shit together.
I needed to detach myself from everything that I had been doing. I lost my way. Whatever am I doing with my life in the last few months? I don’t know. I lost focus. Since I finished my house, I didn’t have anything else to expend my energy on. I drifted and obsessed on things I shouldn’t even pay attention to.
What am I trying to prove? Why did I even think that the universe will do me favors?
Schadenfreude.
Someone’s laughing now.
They said that your desk reflects your state of mind. For months I had let my table be messy. I just pushed crap around to give me space to work on, just like when taking down notes.
Then I cleared my desk yesterday.
I hope it will stay that way for a long time.
Other things that kept me grounded in the past few days were my kitties.
These pets remind me of the things that I should be focusing on and be thankful for. It’s not about the past nor the future, but the now. Cats don’t live as long as humans; they live by the day and do not care about the past although they harbor traumas as well (Sushi) and also not worry about the future. All they care about is us, their family. As long as we’re around, they feel everything is ok. They hide from strangers (Sushi) or bite and scratch them because they’re scared or annoyed (Kimchi) but when they’re with just family, they expose their most vulnerable spot because they’re so comfortable and they feel safe. We are everything to them; we are their world.
When I was praying for guidance, a voice told me that I should focus more on my children and not on things that have come to pass and things that are yet to happen or may not happen. When my eyes opened, I saw Twin A for what she is now—losing weight rapidly. She’s so gaunt and weak. Despite the multivitamins and guarding her calorie intake, she has not improved since our last visit to the pediatrician.
Good thing our pedia gave us the order for thyroid tests in advance so I will bring Twin A today to the hospital for this. If she has hyperthyroidism, then it should explain everything. If not, I am stumped by whatever is causing this.
