I overslept because Sushi had been pestering me at 3 am, scratching my bedroom door, wanting to be let in. And out. And in. And out. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m trying to limit my meals to twice a day but today I broke my calorie-intake limit because my chicken rice is 👌. It’s still twice a day but oh no, look at that bowl of rice 🤦🏻‍♀️!

So we walked to go to church and walked back to burn those calories. My girls went straight home while I walked a bit further to catch the golden hour over the bridge near our house.

I couldn’t go any farther because I was not wearing athletic shoes and my leather shoes for church was hurting my feet. Gotta go home.

Need to go to the supermarket now.

For several nights now, I have been having these weird dreams. First was about Edward Norton, whom I had been crushing on ever since I watched him on Keeping The Faith (with Jenna Elfman and Ben Stiller) and American History X. Anyway, in the dream I still had a big crush on him but I passed up the opportunity to date him and eventually he ended up with my friend, Mdz. I was so remorseful and regretted my dilly-dallying.

Then this morning before I woke up, I had a dream about a college friend—a good friend—whom I had friendzoned in real life. In my dream, I didn’t friendzone him and we started dating. However, we had to do it behind our common friend’s back because she was in love with him (in real life she became his gf). And you know what, I missed that kilig feeling, that exhilaration, when something new and wonderful is starting. Isn’t that what youthful romances are all about? And in my dream, I knew I wouldn’t have a hard time because I didn’t have to put my best foot forward because this was a friend who had been with me since when we were freshmen. No pretensions, no lies. And I was spoiled by this person.

However in real life, I kept choosing people whom I had to bend backwards for so they will like me instead of going for people who chose me for me, snot, haggard face, and all. This friend had hung around me in real life during our college years because it was beyond platonic for him. I was unaware and also when he confessed, I wasn’t into him at all because I valued the friendship more. There was no spark.

That person no longer exists because he has evolved into a different person and he’s a happy family man now. The person that was me 19-23 years ago no longer exists as well.

It seems like my subconsciousness brings me back to things that I could have done differently, hence, those dreams…maybe because what I’m feeling now is regret. Just like that dream with Edward Norton. Regret for not being wise, regret for being stubborn. I dunno.

Maybe I should train myself not to let this loneliness eat me and not think about what could have been. I should look forward to the days coming ahead because not everyone is given a second chance to have a new life like this.