I’m trying to start the week right by boosting serotonin through thoughtful consumption of breakfast (milk tea + mantou) while watching the early morning sun being filtered by trees. The breeze was lovely and I could hear various bird calls.

When I was done with morning chores, I had to pick up Kimchi from the roof of the laundry area because she just didn’t want to come back inside. I don’t fault her though. Who would want to be locked up inside on a beautiful day like this?

But oh well, off we go to the hospital.

Twin A had low grade fevers last Friday and Saturday afternoon or early evening. I wouldn’t have been worried about it but my sister pointed out that Twin A also lost weight. My worst-case scenario was dengue but my sister told me that our youngest nephew contracted primary complex (pediatric tubérculosis) before and the early symptoms were fevers in the afternoon to early evening and weight loss.

But the new pediatrician (recommended by their old pediatrician who is my older sister’s best friend) said Twin A’s lymph nodes were not swollen (no infection) and weight loss is not that significant since my daughter “still has a stomach.” Still she is screening her for primary complex and Type 1 diabetes. Unexplained weight loss + family history = better screen for Type 1 diabetes before it’s too late.

Twin A said in days prior, she had low grade fevers and sluggish constitution because of dysmenorrhoea. (Poor kid, she’s going to spend some days off from school every month, just like I did in high school and college. That malady is horrible). But that couldn’t explain the ones she had on Fri and Sat and it’s puzzling that she stopped having them yesterday and today without paracetamol.

Weight loss can be explained probably by the absence of Ate C, who was force-feeding her until we went on our separate ways on May 16. Plus they go to bed later than usual. Somehow they escape me because after I check on them every night, I usually fall asleep soon after that. Then they may have gone back to doing what they were doing before pretending to go to bed. Proper bed time is not enforced when I’m away. 🤦🏻‍♀️

So there, xrays, blood tests (including RBS), urinalysis…

Let’s see what tomorrow brings, or when we do the follow check up on Wed.

While I was in Singapore last week, my fairy gaymother K messaged me to ask if I was happy in Singapore after he reacted to one of my Instagram posts. I said, no, it’s actually lonely here. I’m happiest in my own home, I told him.

He then told me to go use Tinder while in SG. I told him firmly that, “loneliness cannot be cured by random sex and you know what my stand is.”

“I believe that sex binds your soul to your partner, one-night stand or not. That’s why I don’t do it casually or without a relationship,” I had told him once. He wouldn’t understand it because when he goes on a holiday, he always has random sex, one after another, like clockwork—in one day. Like he can have at least five different partners in a day. Just the same I don’t understand the kind of fulfillment he gets from that kind of lifestyle.

I believe that if you keep changing partners, you will end up torn up and feel like you have pieces of yourself all over the place without belonging anywhere. I don’t know how fuckbois and wündersluts can manage it. Or are they really happy and feel at home, like they belong somewhere with someone? Don’t they feel like there’s something missing and they keep on searching for what it is?

It was really a mistake having to imprint myself with someone who turned out to be a fuckboi. Correction—fuckbois since the dad of my kids is similar. Healing is long and hard but that’s the price I have to pay. It’s hard to find peace and my place in this world after making soul tie mistakes.

Maybe that’s the reason why I feel lonely in SG…it’s because I am not home—as I have already found the place where I belong: My forever home. I have peace now in my forever home. I finally belong somewhere.

I may have not yet cut the last soul tie I made because I was still triggered by what I wrote about Udders ice cream. I haven’t forgiven myself, that’s obvious, based on what I wrote two days ago. I must forgive myself for allowing myself be treated that way, for getting duped because I believed the lies.

Forgive myself.

Because I didn’t know any better.