They were selling frozen strawberries at Save More today so I bought a bag. I was hankering for milkshakes so this is what I came up with.

Condensed milk, full cream milk, ice cubes, and frozen strawberries. That’s it. Refreshing. 😘

This heat makes me want to go to the seaside and dive. But I can’t in the next two months because I’m too busy with work and with moving houses. Going to Plunge Dive in Pasig can’t satisfy my desire to dive in a natural environment. I even had a dream of diving in Caliraya Lake…my desperation manifested itself in my dream. And I didn’t care that the lake was murky. When I woke up, I was scratching my head and laughed at my insanity.

As part of my “love thyself” therapy, I had been using scents in my room to make me feel cozy and happy. I ran out of lovely-smelling oils and water-based scents for my humidifier so I shifted to candles. When I was solo in my 20s, I surrounded myself with scented candles. It was the few affordable luxuries I could have at that time. But then I had partners so I had to ditch those because they don’t like scents. Or the scents that I choose. I had to prioritize their preference over mine. Always had to consider their needs over mine, their wants over mine.

In the process, I lost myself. What I like. What I am.

But now, to hell with it! I’m doing what pleases me. No need to consider anyone else.

So this is what annoys me last Thursday with my colleague. It was like he was playing matchmaker with me and his friend. I outright told him that, “JC, you’re out of line. You know my situation and what I’ve been through so cut that out. I like what I am right now.”

He backtracked and said, no no no, I have no intention blah blah blah. “If something happens, great. If it doesn’t then it’s just a night out with my favorite people.” Good thing I had my SIL with me so I had an excuse to leave early.

So yesterday, JC and I were talking about his plan to buy a flat in Makati that was repossesed by BDO so he could rent it out either long-term or for AirBnb. He kept interjecting the name of his friend into the conversation and I kept on bringing back the convo to that original subject matter. I’m so annoyed. I stopped talking to JC and kept quiet until he leaves for HK tomorrow. He’s such an idiot.

I just agreed to go out in Poblacion because when I’m in HK, he and G treat me to lunch or a night out at Junel’s. But I don’t think I will do a repeat of this. I don’t want my space be invaded.

I realized that I hate it when people do that to me. My fairy gaymother always pesters me about dating and sleeping with other people. Like hell no.

At times I’m lonely but I value this freedom more than the need to be less lonely. I like this freedom to put my needs and wants first before anything else. To choose things I prefer, not because it’s what my partner likes. I finally have a voice.

It was really exhausting having a partner. Catering to his needs, wants, and caprices. Bearing his burden, his problems, his irritations. It was never about me, what I liked, what I needed, what I desired. It took quite a while before I found myself again. To have time for myself and to listen deep inside to follow what I love.

So no, thank you. If I become a witch with a dozen cats, then so be it. Until I meet somebody who will love and respect me for what I am and not for what I can give, recognize my wants and needs and that I am not a human appliance, then I will stay as what I am now. Because I finally found myself again and I will not lose her for the sake of a partner and be dragged around again.

I just wish other people would leave me be. I’m fine. If I want to, I will. I will even have a red neon sign on my forehead that says “I am single, ready to mingle.” But no.

Go away.

So in the meantime, I will be busy doing homey things because those are ME. The things that I like. I don’t have to pretend that I’m a girl about town. I don’t want and never have wanted to hang out at Poblacion–it’s not even my kind of crowd 😑. I’m done with that kind of night out. We can talk about anything under the sun, from black swan events to Brendan Fraser factoids over coffee or craft beer. But I’ll never pretend what I never was and never will be.

And right off the bat, somebody will have to accept and love the things I love the most so that I don’t have to choose. I will not add nor I will not shave off any part of me to accommodate another person. And if and when it comes down to that, I will always have to choose me and my sanity. The fact that I had to choose means that person doesn’t accept me, my loved ones, and in short—doesn’t love me.

So go away.