I had drinks with my industry friend, L, at Uva Wine Bar last Saturday night. She dropped by my apartment first to see my girls and off we went for non-stop gabfest over three cheese pizza and craft beer.
At one point, our conversation drifted to our common friend M and we talked about her conversation with him about his rich parents. His parents had been separated for a long time but never got around to having an annulment because his dad didn’t want to sign the papers, thinking that the mom was just playing hard-to-get. The mom told the ex-husband, OK I will get back together with you but you have to turn over all your assets to me. Of course the dad didn’t so that’s the end of that. Clever mom.
I remember M telling me that I remind him of his mom, since we’re both strong women who single-handedly raised the children while living a fruitful life on our own. She’s the mom who would just fly to Switzerland because she wanted to hike. Or she would travel with friends or just do a solo travel because she can. She didn’t find it necessary to have a partner just because she’s not afraid of being alone.
But his dad was a different creature. He was the one who had infidelity issues (got caught cheating by his own son/M’s brother) and never seemed to have grown up. He had a long-time socialite gf but never committed to marriage until she left him. Now the dad asked M to figure out a way so that the dad and his mom will get back together. The dad told M that his mom might still be in-love with him because she never had another partner or remarried. But of course M knows it’s the farthest from the truth since he knows that his mom is done with crap and enough is enough for her. He knows that mom is happy with her life.
L told M, nhooooooo, your dad is so wrong! That’s not the way how we think! Just because women have not embarked on another relationship after a breakup does not mean we are still pining after the ex. It’s just that we are 1) enjoying our freedom; 2) do not need to have a partner to be fulfilled; 3) taking our time so that we won’t be picking another asshole. Well, this is true in general, especially for strong independent women, but of course not for all.
M told L, yeah right, my dad is such as narc. He is just afraid of growing old alone that’s why he’s being like this about my mom, M said.
L and I then talked about how men and women think differently. Men who have become divorced or widowed are 90% likely to have another partner because they cannot live alone; somebody else always has to take care of them. Women, on the other hand, can stay single, especially if they have the capacity to earn, when they get widowed or divorced. This is anecdotal on my and L’s part but maybe I’ll search for the empirical data on this later.
I wonder if my exes think that I’m still in love with them (if they still bother to know/research) because I still don’t have a partner years after breaking up, especially since I was the one who was the aggrieved party. 😂 I haven’t thought about that until this conversation with L.
That’s so narcissistic! And M (during a separate session with him at Uva before) agreed that male narcs think that their exes still pine after them and are very into the thought that they might still occupy a huge real estate on their exes’ minds. Of course, he is speaking as a son of a narc and as a guy.
L and I laughed at this because it was so silly. I told L that, yeah, I still write about exes but it’s more of a garbage in, garbage out kind of thing. Sort of like a regular purging then I go on with the daily grind. Besides, I’m allowed to write about it because the trauma is still there. I may still be angry but it’s no longer a central theme. I told L that yeah, there was a time I entertained the thought of allowing some guys enter my protective wall, tried chatting, but it was like—it didn’t feel right. One guy was particularly attentive but I didn’t show any interest. He once remarked that he didn’t believe in dating apps because it’s better to meet people during personal encounters, “just like this.” I could have taken the hint, I could have made a move to show I was interested to take this casual meeting to another level. I could have followed up, like hey I’m in town, maybe we could grab a drink with so and so, but I told myself, nah, I wouldn’t want to exert that kind of effort. The most that we did was we connected on FB and IG after we met. If he likes me enough, he would do more. We’re just content looking at each other’s IG Stories. Hahahahaha! That’s the thing with IG, you see who looks at your Stories.
I figured I am happy with this freedom that I have and that I no longer have to consider somebody else in every action or decision I make. I get lonely at times because I had a hard day or I was low on serotonin (and I have a history of sinking into episodes when trauma response is activated) but that is not enough for me to seek a partner or worse, try to get back together with the two recent exes.
Like M’s mom, I said enough is enough.
L said that she has learned that she also feels the same way and that she became comfortable with her single-blessedness. And research shows that single women are the happiest sub-group of people.
And just like M’s mom, I will go to Switzerland to hike if I feel like it. Because I can.