I don’t understand myself; the entire day I was just procrastinating and I couldn’t push myself to write the trend/analysis piece due this week. I spent almost the entire day reading the Alexander McQueen/John Galliano biographies (still not done with the book) and the reviews of Prince Harry’s tell-all book, Spare (<<< it is so talked about that even The Economist weighed in, that’s why I started reading about it).

It was only at 8:30 pm did I begin finishing the trend/analysis piece. By 10:30 pm I was done.

Writers do have strange writing hours. I’m not one to write during the early hours. However, there are some writers who are so disciplined that they can block time for writing (like JK Rowling). When I was still in the faster news cycle phase (during my newspaper and online news/TV network days), I could sit down and write in a snap. Not so much nowadays. Age? Or maybe because I have a slower news cycle; the things I write are no longer the by-the-hour kind of stories.

I’ve had some wins today. My APAC boss agreed with my 8-point action plan for staffing and salary review. FINALLY, there will be a salary review and we would have raises. It was a gutsy move on my part and I was in danger of alienating my bosses. Internship for undergrads has not been successful at the parent company-level so I may have an uphill battle regarding this item. I have to check out the hiring process for graduating communication students in SG, among other things.

As for the jarring events of today, the diesel engine calibration center where I brought my car yesterday called me. I have to fork out PHP 50k for the overhaul of my engine (after having a calibration two years ago, in January 2021). I brought my car to Ishimoto (which is advertised as a specialist in Japanese diesel engines), thinking that they would do a thorough job. As far as I know Isuzu’s diesel pumps are made by Bosch, so might as well go to the brand specialist. I thought of having my car’s diesel engine re-calibrated because its exhaust has become black again and I don’t want to flunk my emission test prior to registering my car with the Land Transportation Office.

But there you go, I will be 50k poorer. It was like being punched in the stomach since I’m still periodically writing checks to my contractor. I am scheduled to issue another check this month 🥴

Hopefully, the next re-calibration will be done after five years, not two years. Initial reason given to me by the secretary is that usually engines like mine are overhauled when these get fed with contaminated diesel. I told her, it’s annoying because I only load it with the higher end diesel like the Petron Turbo or Shell V-Power Diesel after the 2021 calibration (even during the height of the diesel price spikes). 😤

I would get the full picture once I claim my car on Friday when I talk to the engine mechanic.

For some reason that I haven’t asked yet, a friend sent me this hugot this morning:

I told her, it was a hard lesson I learned in the past two years. This is why I learned to love myself more. To listen to myself more, and never second-guess myself anymore. I told her, this is why I adopted the things written in this card below:

There is something fundamentally wrong with how media and literature portray love. Like making yourself into a doormat will give you happiness, bring you to happily ever after. Like there is something noble about continuously fighting for love when that person will never love you back, when he didn’t in the first place.

Wrong. There are things that you just have to give up on and this above is one of those.

To regain my self-confidence and reinforce this self-love, I am reminding myself this quote everyday:

I am more than what he thought I was. I am worth more than what I thought I was worth. I may be lacking in some departments but that shouldn’t diminish who I am and what I offer. Too bad, he didn’t see that before because I can be more as I mature and learn.

To the person who I will meet in the future, I will be a rose that will bloom if I am loved for the sum of my parts, no ifs and buts. I will be the sun to his clouds; I will be rain to his desert. I will be the brightest star in his darkest nights, the moonlight that will lead him back home.

I will be his home.

Some day.

But not yet today.