I know it’s so fake but in order for life to be tolerable, especially during this time that we’re facing a global financial crisis with an incompetent and corrupt president, it’s better to pretend that everything is pretty. Romanticizing life, just like what those content creators do on Youtube and Instagram. Because what can you do? These things are beyond my control and stressing over them is a health hazard. What I can control is how I react to them and my actions on how to ease the burden—-or anticipate the bad things that will happen so I can protect myself and my kids.

I have a very strong internal locus of control so I get stressed over a lot of things, thinking I could change so many of them. I should loosen up and practice having some external locus of control; recognize the things I have little control over–kinda like make lemonade when life throws lemons at you.

So I will just trick my brain into making it believe that things are hunky dory in my neck of the woods, that my mornings are pretty and that troubles don’t go my way. Like I will just make my life beautiful and pursue all things bright and beautiful.

But in a way, it helps to make me less angry with the world. God knows that there are so many things to be angry about. There had been so much sadness and bitterness in my life the past two years and I no longer want to live like that. I no longer want to think about the actions of other people towards me and all the wrongs done to me. I will just let the universe do its thing.

Meanwhile, I realized that for 33 years I had been busy documenting my life, since Grade 5 until tonight. Writing my schedule, budgets, and to-do lists help me organize my life. But I do not understand why I am very diligent in recording things when I should be throwing away my planners and diaries from years past. However, as a journalist, I find archives like that helpful especially when I need to write my testimonial for my annulment case.

But then, why do I keep holding on to my diaries, these notebooks just take up space? No one would really be interested in reading them, not even my children. I’m not going to be famous that people from the future would be digging through my archives to write my biography.

I just thought about it today because I am mulling whether I go to Ikea to buy bins to store my diaries or just put them in a bookshelf. And my brain just rolled into questions upon questions why I’m doing this.

*I also want to check out some light fixtures or modern chandeliers.