… I’m just dating myself.

I was having this conversation with my sis-in-law about surviving and  how I would fare if I happened to be childless. I said I think I would still be the same. I can survive on my own since in the beginning I had always been an ambivert (party girl + tsundoku hermitess). As I age, I tend to be more introverted and enjoy my own company. She agreed. I’ve watched concerts on my own, movies at the cinema alone, and always traveled alone. It’s lovely, actually. I can hear the voice inside my head.

Why did we have this conversation? We were talking about a friend of mine (this one in SG who split from her husband while she was taking up her MBA in NTU), who insists she is not looking for romance and she just wants companionship, someone to watch movies with, to pray with, to go coffee dates with but not necessarily all of these would be just one person.

In my head I was like, yeah, you say that but you always fall and then demand from the guy *something*. But I didn’t say it but instead I asked, why don’t you rest first? But she insisted that she’s not pursuing, etc etc.

Anyway, we just don’t see eye to eye. So I just said that, I’m sorry if I can’t comment further because maybe I’m built differently because I would have done things differently. I would have tried to heal first on my own, which is what I’m doing now.

My SIL said that my friend, L, (she knows her too) cannot survive without attention and affirmation of another person, especially of the opposite sex. And she hasn’t really healed, my SIL said.

I can’t say I’m healed. I’m not. I still hurt. I still get lonely. I still get angry. But I’m waaaaaaaaay better than I was 6 months ago. Better than a year ago.

When the world falls apart, sometimes I just wanted a hug and have someone tell me, it’s going to be all right. I allow myself to wallow in that loneliness and curl on the bed in a fetal position because I hurt. However, I pull myself up and I push myself back on the saddle. Whisper to myself, “You have to toughen up.”