One of my favorite songs to sing in the past 14 months has been “Burnout” by Ebe Dancel but the version I’ve been singing is the one by Ben&Ben and Clara Benin. In appreciation of the artist/songwriter, I sent him a message, just to let him know that his work is important. I also happened to be the sister of one of his high school friends and we went to the same high school. He also struggled with depression after the breakdown of his marriage…so sometimes it helps if we send some kind of appreciation to the artists that we like since it gives them affirmation that what they’re doing makes sense even if the world doesn’t. It’s like when I receive Twitter direct messages from my readers, saying I was spot on with my last story or the stories coming from Southeast Asia are good, while I personally struggle keeping it together. Kind words are salve to a wounded soul.
Today I was in the mood to be a little extra so I made bacon-wrapped enoki mushrooms with the leftover homemade “Swedish” meatballs (the Ikea version recipe I found online) for brunch. The girls were happy.
We didn’t go out today so we can rest and I can attend to my container garden that has been partly destroyed by the torrential rain earlier this week. I replaced the ones that drowned and trimmed the damaged foliage. Despite the damage, some blooms made me smile. For several months I struggled to make the mini roses bloom again. Which they did today.
And against all odds, some flowers survived the rain. Gives me some kind of assurance that I will somehow bloom again, too.
Just more tender loving care (constant watering, trimming, and fertilizing and re-potting) is needed and they will bloom again. Like I needed to attend to my needs and paid attention to myself (self-care), I will bloom again. It may take a long time but I just need to be patient. Once established, a torrential rain will not wash me out that easily.
This is Mochi (whom our neighbors call Whitey). He has healed really well after his neutering and he will soon receive his rabies and 4-in-1 vaccines c/o my neighbor. He loves the bed that we made for him just outside our door. He no longer bothers our cats by the window.
Once he has been vaccinated, the girls and I will attempt to give him a bath. Our cats hate baths.
Stories of two women scorned
I was chatting with the mother of the epileptic child who just died last month (my colleague’s ex-wife/scorned wife) and she was asking me about the annulment procedures and how much it costs. I told her better prepare half a million pesos because it’s that costly. I told her I am writing the check for the acceptance fee of my lawyer and I need to raise the other funds for the billable hours of my lawyer when hearings start. She got discouraged but then she said she will not file now since the father of her child is still grieving…too torn because he is being eaten up guilt and regret. I said she still has time to save up for the annulment.
Let’s call her N. She said her scoundrel of a husband (my colleague) had been having sex with this young journo in Sogo motels while she is in the hospital taking care of their child after every epilepsy episode. Just thinking about it makes her blood boil, she said. She said this husband was always absent and didn’t give time to their daughter when she was still alive and now he’s paying the price. He lost so many moments he could have been with their daughter but now she’s gone, he can’t bring back the lost time. It was her brother who assisted her every hospitalization of her daughter. She said she wants to be happy and find someone who will respect her and love her that’s why she’s making the separation legal.
I told her that’s the best move than we can make for ourselves. We shouldn’t just be accepting loose change for affection. That’s the problem with me (and her); we just accepted the bare minimum, thinking it was normal that it should be us who should be giving more into the relationship. “The next time,” I told N, “if I should choose to have a next time, the next person should treat me as if I was the best thing that happened to him. That I am precious to him. That he will appreciate me and love me and not treat me like a human appliance, as you termed it.”
J’s thank you doesn’t mean anything—it’s more of a move to soothe his conscience than pure gratitude—considering how he treated me like a rag and how he cheated on me while I supported him in all aspects. As N termed it, I was a human appliance and an ATM. Imagine, the slut moved into his condo unit a few days after he broke up with me. I could have learned about it a year ago given that I am well connected with real estate companies, especially this particular developer. Plus Jo worked at this company. But I chose not to because I wanted a clean cut. It is only now I learned all about this shit. Now everything fell into place for me—everything was premeditated. What he said about he wasn’t even thinking of breaking up with me that night of Dec 17, 2020–it was a lie. He was just waiting for the right time that I give up so that the break up will not be on his conscience. The reason why he was so angry at me for possibly dropping by unannounced was because he may be found out. If he really was thankful for everything I did for him, he should have treated me more kindly when we were together. I wonder if that’s the kind of treatment of women he had seen growing up.
So I told N I’m so done with men, especially Asian men. There’s something in the way they were raised by their Asian moms that made them so self-centered. She agreed since her ex (my colleague) is such an asshole and he was raised by a supermom who catered to him head to foot. Even J himself told me that his mom (who eventually became a solo parent) had a hard time with him, with his expensive tastes (i.e. his demands for cheeses and exotic food).
My journey has been so exhausting. So I told N that it was good that she’s still open to having another relationship after her scumbag of a husband. While me, I think I’m so done with it.
This other story is about my childhood friend who is now a lawyer in Singapore (who talked to me on FB messenger while on a cruise yesterday). She is paddling in three rivers–three different men, including her soon-to-be ex-husband. Long story short, she is looking for affection and running after them/looking for affirmation because she is a co-dependent like me. She grew up in a co-dependent household with her mom being the rag (co-dependent) and her dad the abusive husband (dependent). Anyway, she is justifying her actions because of her co-dependency issues. I told her she is just making herself more miserable and making her co-dependency syndrome an excuse. And exacting revenge on the woman her other guy is seeing will only fire up her anger and not give her peace.
“You are more than this. You are above this. Please, stop digging yourself into deeper shit. Heal yourself first because this will be a never-ending cycle,” I told her. “You are so messed up!”
I told her that I am also aware of my co-dependency issues but instead of using this as an excuse to fuel my desperation, I used this as a weapon against myself.
“I had desperately wanted to talk to him (J), I desperately wanted to be with him. I was already dying inside, but no, I chose not to act on it. I did not chase. I stopped all communication because all I had was my dignity. Imagine if I acted on my desperation for love, I would have been more humiliated and crushed today learning that he had been cheating on me despite giving him the world,” I was shouting and crying at the same time when I told this to my childhood friend. “It was my self-respect that saved me. Give yourself some self-respect. You are more than this person who is desperate for affection and seeking it in the wrong places/persons. Please, lift yourself out of this mess,” I cried.
This need for love, trying to fill the void by chasing affection from other people, can be cured by giving yourself the love, respect, and appreciation you deserve. You need to fill up the void yourself before you can find real love because you will discover your true worth, I told her. And you will now have a gauge for the next person, to know if he is enough, if his love is worthy of you. It’s hard, I know. It was an uphill climb for me. It has been 14 months but now I am slowly realizing that self-love is the best treatment I can give myself. “Please love yourself first. Appreciate yourself first. You are not a rag,” I said.
It’s true. I had been healing myself by giving myself the love that I had given J. I’m not there yet (as the unconditional love I gave him is still beyond my comprehension), but getting there…
I told her: Go up the ship’s deck. Watch the sunset. Put on make-up and dress up. Have nice cocktail on your hand while you lounge on the deck. Treat yourself. Pamper yourself. Love yourself. Put all your energies on yourself instead of exacting revenge on some woman or on R. Or trying to bait H. Or letting M dangle. Believe me you’ll be happier in the end.”
I told her I could have exacted revenge on J, I could have messed him up and told the Bureau of Immigration stuff so he could be blocked from renewing his tourist visa. I could have messed his business/es. I could have destroyed him among the rest of Philippine media and corporations but I chose not to. I could have stalked and made a mess with all his women (I could have researched and do some sleuthing because I’m an investigative journo by training) but I chose peace. I took the high road. I chose to heal. I’ll just leave it to God. As my colleague-friend said, expend your energies on more productive pursuits instead of wasting it on a worthless person.
I thank all the women friends who have supported me and empowered me. I’m in a much better place right now. I’m still messed up, still going through therapy, still hurting but I am slowly healing.
That’s why I’m helping these two women in my stories above. I’m paying it forward.