After one week of drama, I’m a little bit better today. Writing down all those feelings and processing them helped me regain my confidence and self-worth. I should never lose sight of that. I may be fat and unglamorous, but at least I’m not a bimbo or a bitch. I think I’ll be fine in the coming weeks.
As part of my purging, I finally used the Dr. Jart face mask that J gave me from his trip to S.Korea in 2019, which I had been saving for some unidentified special occasion. Well, there’s no more reason to hold on to the only thing he deliberately gave me as a present. It’s done. It’s gone. And my girls facilitated the application. Actually, it was their idea to finally use it.
I finally gave up the pretense that I will be productive today. I just finished one edit today and the rest are admin tasks. Then I brought the girls to Centris for their Covid jabs.
I expected more chaos since we’re talking about kids 5 years-11 years old but the QC admin did a great job of facilitating a sane vaccination program for children. There was some kind of entertainment, food, and giveaways so the children can be distracted. It took us 2 hrs since there were a lot of kids. At least the venue is airconditioned and had enough seats for both the children and parents/guardians.
We have to be back on March 4 for the second jab. Then we can go diving!!!
After the vax, we went to Manila Seedling Bank (again!) to buy more plants/flowers. The girls had been inspired now that the front of our apartment is now pretty. Even our neighbors admired my flowers. It’s much more pleasant now within the compound and you tend to forget the mess that my neighboring unit has.
Don’t ask me how much I’ve spent on my plants–I think enough to buy me a brand new Nintendo Switch. I don’t know which hobby would benefit my mental health though.
Among the long-neglected chores I did today is to have my car washed after months of letting it get dirty. After dropping off the plants, I went to the car wash and distracted myself with a milkshake.
It was ok. Enough sugar to keep me going because I wasn’t able to compensate for the lack of sleep today. Even though I took alprazolam last night, I still woke up at around past 4 am and God knows at what time I fell back to sleep. I was so sleepy all day. I now took melatonin but only 3 mg. It’s not knocking me out yet. Maybe I should hike it to 10mg.
This is the consequence of having a hyperactive brain. Can’t stop thinking even at night, hence, the sleeplessness. I haven’t had deep sleep for a long, long time now.
Some friends from Philippine Star published this on Facebook and I tweeted it and tagged one editor of Philstar.com. “Hey, @xxx, who did this? (laughing emoji),” I tweeted. He tweeted back, “We’re still searching for the culprit.”
Then I posted this on IG and said “We’re the ones whose hearts are being broken all the time.” An ex-journo-turned-lawyer friend commented with a lot of laughing emojis. Ahhh, she is one of the many journo friends I had whose heart got trampled on. After the big split, she went to law school.
If she went to law school to heal, then maybe I should go for that CIIA exam instead of CFA. A colleague told me this is more relevant to our work (she’s preparing for her CFA level 2 exam) and investments in general if I want to jump into fund management. Or should I finally pursue my PhD? I was about to apply for graduate school in 2009 under a Reuters scholarship program in NYU and internship in Washington, D.C. I didn’t pursue it because my new (now ex-) husband then didn’t want to come with me. I knew if I left, I wouldn’t have any husband to come back to.
Maybe I should have pursued it then. But then my girls told me if I did, then I won’t have them. They have a point.