10 steps forward, 2 steps back

“I also felt that way,” my friend told me this morning. “It took me a long time to process and two years later I still think about it. But it’s a big thing that I realized slowly my worth to my family, friends, and work. It’s a big deal that I know myself and what values and dreams I have.”

She continued: “If you know yourself and your values and dreams, it’s a big factor in accepting yourself and you are both different–it will be easier for you to rise from this challenge. It’s not because you found someone else but because you know who you are and you are happy with who you are.”

“You need to look at yourself and appreciate what you have and what you are. Because he cannot take that away from you, unless you let him.”

Words of encouragement from friends are what keep me from falling off the rails.

That’s why I tried to find myself because I lost so much…I lost almost everything. But he can’t take away my essence.

I clearly remember him asking me, “Will you be my home?” I offered him a home. Then he threw it back to my face. He must have been play-acting at that time he asked me.

In any case, I am still home to friends and family. K says that he loves it that my apartment feels homey and I’ve always cooked for friends when they’re here. My friends are always welcome to stay when they are weary. This is where my cousin runs to when she needs to. Because I am home to many of my loved ones. My arms are always open to those who needed a hug, love, and assurance. And as my friend told me this morning, be happy that you have that capacity to give because many don’t.

J admonished me one time. “Why do you keep on saying these positive things when things are bad?” he told me bitterly while we were walking around University Avenue for exercise. He was having a hard time at work. I told him, “because you need support and I believe in you,” I said.

I guess he didn’t value that.

He didn’t value anything about me.

But he will no longer dictate my value.

I am somebody a guy would be proud to walk hand-in-hand with and I don’t have to dress like a hooker to be viewed as beautiful. I am somebody who makes government officials think and sit up on their chairs when I quiz them on national television. I am somebody who can be a panelist in an international investor conference, quizzing global CEOs and CFOs on stage to extricate important points and not just go through uninteresting questions. I am one of the resources tapped by our global HQ to train employees on public speaking. I’ve been training reporters for more than a decade. I inherited my parents’ brains and I’m not just some bimbo pretending to be more important than I really am. My job title is not empty. People take me seriously and when I speak, they listen. As one Finance official told me, I am a no nonsense journalist.

And my team values me. Somebody who left the team wanted to come back when he learned I would soon be heading the team. I have lifted others from other teams to expand their horizons and with my encouragement, they have shifted roles, climbed up, and are now discovering their true worth.

I am a good friend, a good daughter, and had been a good partner. I have many imperfections but it’s ok, at least I am not evil. I can still drink like a sailor and I’m cool to have around–that’s why my guy friends voted to make me as one of their co-hosts because I can understand whatever rocks their boats and they feel safe with me.

To my children, I am their world–for now.

I had worn so many hats for J: a lover, a nurturer, a domestic goddess, a cheerleader, a business partner, a friend, a sounding board, an adventurer–and so much more. I understood his interests and hobbies without any effort at all because my interests run along the same course. I don’t find his geekiness weird or a quirk; I’m a geek as well. He didn’t have to pretend with me at all even if he did because I accepted him as he was. Pity he didn’t see all these.

He will never find another one like me. And he just threw me away.

I am down in the dumps again. I have taken 10 steps forward, two steps back with this latest setback.

But I will rise again. This mental breakdown was just caused by so much trauma. I’m stronger than this.

Since I slept at past 5 am today, I was more useless today than previous days. I still managed to have several calls, got some leads, and worked on some stories with other colleagues from other parts of Asia. But basically the writing part is still stuck because my brain is half asleep. I was supposed to have dinner at 6 pm tonight in Makati with some journo friends (from competing international news agencies) but I was too sleepy to drive so it was a no-go.

So I just turned to my garden, to make my hands busy.