It’s hard to find inner peace when there are so many stimuli to spark anger. Then this weekend (I hate weekends!) all of a sudden I got hit by nostalgia and began missing him. I thought I’m done with this–I was wrong. I told my friend that I’ve sunk again. I tried doing everything in my power to forget, so my friend said is I should do the opposite: I should confront this head-on one night and be done with it instead of running away, trying to cover grief by busyness. “I really wish you peace,” they said.
I’m at the stage in my life where I no longer want fancy titles and management positions. What I want right now until the day I expire is inner peace. What is success? I was already an editor of a newspaper before the age of 30. I thought I would be climbing up the corporate ladder, if not the media ladder, and become middle manager before I hit 40 (which happened). I had thought of earning a CFA badge and move on to finance after earning my master’s degree. But all that changed after having my girls. Having them pulled me back to what is essential in life.
To live simply so my income would be enough for our needs and a bit of luxury like travel. Saving enough so that I will be able to retire comfortably and not worry too much about tomorrow. Investing enough so I can send my girls to college. To dive more, to go on more roadtrips (just like I used to do before when I was younger) either on four wheels or two wheels. To hike again (which I used to do a lot and I even documented one of my hiking/camping trips for a newspaper I used to write for in college) like what I did when I was single, happy, and free.
I don’t think I’m meant to have a partner. I am too independent and very opinionated for anybody’s taste. I shouldn’t make myself small for someone who refuses to grow up and I’m fed up being like that for almost 18 years with the girls’ dad. And I shouldn’t mourn somebody who despises me, which J does; I have to constantly remind myself of that. Have some self-respect, some dignity. I deserve better.
So these two women are teaching me how to achieve inner peace, little by little, by living slow. I will soon find my own place in this world.