Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me (2 Corinthians 12:8-9)

One day I will find it in my heart to forgive myself. I need to be kind to myself. I was told that after I have forgiven myself, I would be able to to forgive him.

It’s really not healthy to be harboring this anger, the kind that even the heavens could not tolerate. It’s eating me up alive.

This anger is fueled by the past that I should have let go that day he left. But you know, the heart is stubborn; it clings to things that make it feel alive. It does not understand, especially when its eyes are clouded. What I should tell my heart is: what is done is done. You cannot change the fact that he used you and ditched you after your usefulness has expired. You cannot do anything about it, you cannot control the past but you can control your actions to avoid that in the future.

I’m still very angry. Heaven knows how angry I am and I don’t think I’m near boiling point yet. I think there will be some trigger some time in the near future that would me make boil over. I want to get back at him. I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me or probably more. But where will it get me? Will I get my peace? Will it make me move on quicker?

One day I will become indifferent. I long for the day that I will become indifferent towards him. Hopefully it’s just around the corner.