The raindrops kept tap-tapping on the rooftops outside my window, in a rhythmic pattern in sync with my heart—the heart that has been pounding with such force that i was afraid my veins would just burst.

After a few seconds this lump of muscle broke into a canter and it slowed down to a cadence an old man could follow.

Then it exploded and tore into a million pieces.

I wonder if I should pick them up from the floor. Should I try to put it back together? I stared at the ceiling above me. The fat raindrops outside morphed into a deafening downpour. The raindrops somehow found their way into my eyes and cascaded down at the sides of my temple. The flow just wouldn’t stop, much to my annoyance.

“I got it! I got it! I am finally moving to Switzerland!” I remembered him telling me at lunch break. We had just finished a really difficult training session that morning.

“Oh my gossssssssshhhhh! Finally! I’m so happy for you!” I gushed over my spaghetti alfredo.

I was really happy for him, that’s the truth. But sad for myself. The words echoed within the hollow depths between my ears. The words were like an ice pick that lodged itself somewhere between my heart and lungs. I couldn’t breathe.

Brandon finally got the promotion. The parent company is moving him to the headquarters.

I guess this was God’s reply to my prayers. I’ve asked Him to take away whatever I was feeling towards my friend and colleague because it was killing me.

I broke off an engagement that was going nowhere because of Brandon. Because I thought–just a hopeful thought–that he will see me. Really see me.

Of course he doesn’t know. No one knows. He will never know. Only I know.

And I will take this fact with me to my grave.

“So when will the move be?” I almost choked on my pasta. I pretended to squeak in delight instead.

“December. Boy, am I so excited by this!” Brandon squeezed my shoulders. It was painful, the squeeze. I just couldn’t decide whether the pain emanated from his over-enthusiastic arm or from the ice pick that stabbed my gut.

“Good for you!” I said. “As for me, I am finally making my way to Davao with my new assignment.”

I lied. I was just making it up. But I guess it will become a reality after today. I will raise this to my boss.

“Yeah. Probably it’s for the best, after you’ve been through,” Brandon said, pertaining to my sham of an engagement. Sham of a relationship that was just floating along in the Dead Sea of relationship hell.

Maybe, just maybe, I should’ve let my engagement go on as planned? Maybe I should have…

No. I was flogging a dead horse.

I stopped staring at the ceiling and flicked open my mobile phone. I read and reread all my past Viber exchanges with Brandon.

I resolved never to read them again. Never. Even though these made me happy, even though these became my raison d’etre, I had to stop this illusion.

The gray matter inside my head should take over. It has saved me a million times from disaster in the past. It will keep me alive still.

What about my heart? Shall i pick up the pieces on the floor? Probably I should leave it where it lay.

Because my heart does not understand. Mi corazon no entiende.

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